Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill.............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal............Peg Bundy
Amanda Bearse..........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino.........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley...........Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog..........Lucky

Guest Cast:

Harold Sylvester.......Griff
Jennifer Lyons.........Ariel
Donna Pieroni..........Sandy
Christine Moore........Gorgeous Woman
Steven Shenbaum........Scarecrow


PROLOGUE

 Peg is sitting on the couch spraying the air with an air-freshener. Peggy claps her hands and
 the lights dim. Al enters through the front door.

AL     Hey, Peg. [closes door] A fat woman hedgehogged her way into the shoe store today...
       [smells the air-freshener] Pop-corn air freshener? That could only mean one thing!

 Al sits next to Peggy on the couch.

AL     Bundy night at the movies!
PEGGY  Bundy night at the movies!

 They laugh and cheer. Al lifts his arms, Peg sprays his armpits with the popcorn scented air
 freshener and then she sprays her cleavage. 

AL     Ah Peg, you even got the floor sticky, [stomping his feet] just like at the theatre.

PEGGY  [pressing herself onto Al] You know what else we do at the theatre?

AL     You're not gonna put M&Ms in your lap and make me hunt for 'em? By the time I get there
       they've melted and it gets all gooey.

PEGGY  Well y'know, if you get there sooner, they'd melt in your mouth...

 They laugh.

AL     Oh Peg, it just doesn't get any better than this. I owe you one.

PEGGY  Well, maybe after the movies, Al.

AL     I said owe, Peg. As in "not pay".

 Bud and Kelly enter from the garage. Bud has electrical cable hooked over his shoulder and he is 
 carrying 2 fans. Kelly is also carrying a fan.

KELLY  Hi.
BUD    Hi, Dad.

 They put the fans on the floor near the couch. Kelly sits on the armchair.

BUD    Look, do you have anything I can use to create the impression we're having a terrible
       windstorm?

PEGGY  Yes, but he's sitting on it.

BUD    See, my date really gets turned on by scary situations.

KELLY  Apparently taking his clothes off isn't enough.

 Kelly smiles.

BUD    [trying to ignore Kelly] So I decided to create a fake tornado. Y'know, my own little
       natural disaster.

KELLY  Ooh, [massaging one hand with the other] like one of your hand-lotion tsunamis?

 Bud gives her a look.

PEGGY  Now, let's not tease Bud. He might turn out weird.

 Al, Peg and Kelly laugh.

PEGGY  You know, I really did see something on Oprah that said women really do get turned on by
       life-threatening situations. I know I do.

AL     Me too. Now, why don't you go upstairs and slip into a dry-cleaning bag; see what that
       does for us. Ooh, I'm getting all hot just thinking about it.

 Peggy distances herself from Al and folds her arms, sulking.

BUD    [to all] And you wonder why I have problems with women.

 Al and Peggy look at each other in agreement.

AL     No we don't!
PEGGY  No we don't!

 Al and Peggy laugh hysterically.


OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Bud and his girlfriend, Ariel, run down the stairs into the basement.
 Bud is wearing a yellow raincoat and hat.

BUD    Looks like we made it just in time, Ariel. That tornado's gonna hit any second now.

ARIEL  But there's not a cloud in the sky.

BUD    Well, [takes off his hat] Haven't you ever heard of the calm before the storm?

ARIEL  No, but then, I just realised the Olsen twins are two people.

 It takes Bud some time to take this in.

BUD    Look, why don't you just look outside and you tell me what you see, OK?

 Ariel runs to the window. Meanwhile, Bud picks up a remote control and presses a button.
 The sound of thunder is heard and then a bright light flashes by the window. Ariel runs back 
 to Bud and kisses him passionately.

ARIEL  Wait a minute, doesn't lightning come before thunder?

BUD    Yeah, sure, [scratches the side of his head uneasily] except in... in very bad storms,
       when the positive and negative ions make everything... you know... kookie.

 Ariel walks back to the window and looks outside.

ARIEL  Wow, it's getting really windy out there, Bud. You'd better bring those fans in before
       they blow away.

BUD    [laughs uneasily] I... I just put those fans out there to create a... counter vortex to
       the tornado.

ARIEL  Bud... [walks over to him] You are so smart and sexy [squeezes close to him] I don't know
       what you see in me.

BUD    [candidly] Hopefully, me in a minute.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 Gary's Shoe Store.
 Al is serving a fat woman named Sandy. 

SANDY  These shoes are too big! I'm swimming in them.

AL     Well, that would explain the life-preserver under your dress.

SANDY  I'm gonna go out on a limb here; you've never been employee of the month, have you?

AL     That's right, but if I were you, I wouldn't be going out on any limbs.

SANDY  [angrily] Look, I told you; I'm a five! And you are going to sell me a five if... if I
       have to sit here all night!

AL     So because you're mad at me, you're going to take it out on a perfectly innocent chair. A
       chair that has suffered enough already.

SANDY  Well, I have just about had enough of you!

AL     Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink! 

 Sandy looks at him angrily, and is breathing heavily.

AL     You know, "medium" - the size between small and you!

SANDY  [slowly] I'm not leaving here until you help me!

AL     Well, I don't know what I can do that God and Deal-A-Meal couldn't, but I'll give it a
       shot.

 Al gets up and walks over to the counter, where Griff is seated.

AL     Griff, you got any aspirin, or a, uh, harpoon?

 Griff stands up.

GRIFF  I'm not talking to you.

AL     I can't believe you're still whining about that little practical joke!

GRIFF  You sent me to death-row!!

AL     But you made a few close friends, and they gave you a cool nickname, "Black Beauty".

GRIFF  "Mrs. Black Beauty"?

AL     Well, you said you wanted to re-marry...

GRIFF  Yeah, but not to a 250-pound Philipino!

AL     Since when are you prejudiced?

GRIFF  [whining] Al, they strapped me in the electric chair.

AL     Well, we would've rescued you sooner, but when you order a burger "well done", it oughta
       come "well done".

GRIFF  Another few seconds and you could've cooked it on my lap.

AL     Yeah, but then, where would Mr. Black Beauty sit?

 Al smiles to himself. Sandy gets up angrily.

SANDY  Excuse me, but, am I invisible?

AL     Possibly from Pluto...


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Peg is sitting on the couch and Kelly is standing near the porch door, looking outside.
 The sound of the wind blowing can be heard. 

KELLY  [walking to the couch] Wow, the money Bud spent to get these trees to bend, he could've
       just paid for sex like any normal person.

 Peggy gives Kelly a funny look. Kelly sits down next to Peggy and they watch the TV.

TV     We interrupt Oprah for live coverage of a local twister. 

KELLY  You know, you gotta give Bud credit. I mean, [laughs] those live power lines really look
       like they hit that school bus.

PEGGY  Kelly, that really is a twister. Those kids really are trapped on that bus!

KELLY  [looking closer] Cool!

PEGGY  Cool? How could you be so insensitive? This storm could pre-empt Oprah!

 Marcy comes in from the storm holding a megaphone, wearing a high visibility vest and a
 rucksack.

MARCY  Peggy! Kelly!

 Marcy barely manages to close the door.

MARCY  As your civil defence block captain, I'm taking charge. You are to follow my orders
       without asking any questions.

KELLY  So we're supposed to act like Mr. D'Arcy?

 Peggy stifles a smile.

MARCY  [into the megaphone] I said no questions. [without the megaphone] First, unplug all of the
       appliances.

PEGGY  Oh, I did that when we moved in.

MARCY  Okay, then we've gotta get to the safest place in the house.

KELLY  Oh well, that would be Bud's room 'cause nothing ever happens down there.

 Kelly and Peggy get up. Marcy walks over to the basement door.

MARCY  Right, but hurry; you've only got time to grab your most precious personal possession.

 Kelly looks down at her breasts.

KELLY  Well, can I take two?

 Meanwhile, Peg is trying to lift the TV.

PEGGY  Somebody help me!

 Kelly and Marcy come to help her.


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

 Gary's Shoe Store.
 Sandy is slumped in a chair. Al comes out of the stock room with a box of shoes. The wind is
 blowing lots of debris through the food court. Griff is standing outside the store in the wind.

GRIFF  [shouting] Hey Al, the wind is really kicking off on the food court!

 Griff jumps up and grabs a corndog. He jumps again and catches a drink.

GRIFF  This tornado is great!

 Griff takes a bite of the corndog.

SANDY  [to Griff] I'll take a falafel!

AL     [kneeling in front of her] I'll bet you would. [struggling to fit the shoe on her foot]
       All right, now look, all right, that's it, just a minute, a little bit leeward... [Sandy
       grunts] Ah, there. All right now, do me a favor; don't stand up till I get my...

 Sandy stands up. Al, whose fingers are stuck inside the show, screams in pain.

SANDY  Oh, oh, oh.

 She walks about, with Al's fingers still stuck inside the shoe. Al continues screaming.

SANDY  These feel great! Do they have a special gel lining?

AL     [in agony] Y-yes, that's the blood spurting from my severed digit.

SANDY  These are perfect for my flamenco class.

 Sandy does a little dance, stomping her feet and causing Al more pain and screaming.
 Meanwhile, Griff is standing at the window looking outside. He sees a man, playing a piano,
 being blown past the shoe store.

AL     Help me! Help me!

 Griff runs over to Al and grabs a can of WD-40 from the cash desk. Griff kneels down and sprays
 the oil onto the shoe to release Al's finger.

GRIFF  Al, we gotta go! It's getting real scary out there.

  Al looks up at the fat woman's butt.

AL     Not as scary as it is down here.

 Sandy continues with her flamenco dance.

GRIFF  Don't worry, I won't leave you, Buddy.

 Outside the store, a gorgeous woman is trying to cling to the window, crying for help.
 Griff looks up when he hears her plea for 'help'. The woman's dress gets blown away and she is
 left in her underwear.

GRIFF  Stay here, Buddy!

 Griff runs outside after her.

AL     I wonder what could happen to make this situation any worse?

SANDY  I have to go to the bathroom.

 She stamps her foot, and Al cries out in pain. Outside, a man flies by upside down reading a
 newspaper. Suddenly Al and Sandy get sucked up into the tornado's funnel.


ACT ONE

SCENE FIVE

 Marcy is testing the strength of the basement door, while Kelly and Peg are putting tape over
 glass in the backyard door. Kelly is working indoors and Peggy is working outdoors. 
 Jefferson comes in from the storm and, after a considerable amount of effort, manages to close
 the door. He leans against it, exhausted.

JEFRSN [staggering into the living room] Okay, Marcy, I opened all the windows, tied down the
       rose bushes, turned off the gas and cut your underwear into tiny little pieces.

MARCY  Why did you do that?

JEFRSN [whining] Because I wanted to be the block captain!

MARCY  [on the megaphone] Well, you're not!

KELLY  Hey Mom, do you think Dad's safe from the tornado?

PEGGY  Oh, Honey, I'm sure he's protected by his cone of smell.

KELLY  Yeah but, what if it's like the "Wizard of Oz"?

PEGGY  Kelly, what are you thinking; Daddy's gonna get sucked up by a tornado, spin around in the
       air and then land smack on some wicked witch?

 We hear Al screaming and then he crashes down on top of Peg. Kelly steps back in horror.
 Jefferson and Marcy look at each other in amazement.

AL     [to Peggy] I'm home!

PEGGY  Al, I guess all we need now is to have a house fall on us.

 The sound of branches snapping is heard. Al and Peg look up and scream.
 Sandy crash lands on top of Al and Peggy.

KELLY  [looks around bewildered] Cool.

 Kelly laughs. Marcy looks on in horror.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Kelly opens the backyard door. Al, Peg and Sandy get up.

SANDY  I told you I was a size five!

 Sandy walks away. 
 Al and Peg go inside. Kelly closes the door.

PEGGY  Well Al, so much for your little threesome fantasy.

AL     Well, that was no threesome, Peg, that was a fivesome. [Jefferson helps Al walk over to
       the couch] Oh why, oh why did I have to land here? Why couldn't it have been a nice toxic
       waste dump?

 Al, Peggy and Jefferson sit on the couch.

MARCY  [smiling] Well, it is.

AL     I think I might have cracked my pelvis.

JEFRSN Quit whining, Al.

AL     Hey you! I just survived "Operation Dumbo Drop", I don't have no lip from you!

JEFRSN Come on, Al! The women are depending on us for emotional strength.

 A tree crashes through a window at the top of the stairs and the lights flicker.
 Jefferson runs over to Marcy.

JEFRSN [in panic] It's - it's coming, Marcy! Do something quick!

 Marcy slaps Jefferson, and then Peggy does the same to Al.

AL     What did you do that for?!

PEGGY  Well, Marcy did it, and she's the block captain.

AL     [looking at Marcy angrily] Well, she certainly has the haircut for it!

MARCY  [into the megaphone] People, people don't panic. Everything will be fine, if we just all
       move into the basement in an orderly fashion.

 They all run to the basement door in panic, except for Kelly.

KELLY  Wait wait, wait a minute, wait a minute! Now, aren't we forgetting something?

AL     Wage earners before couch potatoes?

KELLY  No! I mean, Lucky, where is he?

AL     Same place we always put him during bad weather - outside! Come on, let's get in the
       basement!

KELLY  Well, I'm not going anywhere until I get Lucky.

JEFRSN That should take about 30 seconds...

 Al makes a threatening motion towards Jefferson. Jefferson backs off and hides a smile.
 Marcy walks over to Kelly and gives her a walkie-talkie.

MARCY  Kelly, you take this walkie-talkie with you and call us if you need help.

KELLY  Okay.

 Kelly starts to leave, but then stops and turns back.

KELLY  Well, you know, I'd better take this one, [takes the other walkie-talkie from Marcy] in
       case [holds up the first walkie talkie] this one breaks.

 Kelly runs out of the front door with the two walkie-talkies.

MARCY  [calling after her on the megaphone] Well, don't rush, and godspeed, and remember: we're
       all in this together!

 The basement door slams shut and Marcy realises she is left alone in the living room.

MARCY  Hey!

 Marcy runs to the basement door and tries to open it.

MARCY  [shouting] Let me in! I am your block captain, I am your leader, you will die without me!

 Al, Jefferson and Peg are standing on the basement stairway laughing. Al does an impersonation
 of Marcy.

MARCY  [shouting outside] I am in charge! You will die without your leader.

 Bud and Ariel emerge from beneath a blanket on Bud's bed and look around.

MARCY  Let me in! I'm gonna break this door down. ONE...

 Peg and Jefferson run down the stairs, while Al runs to the door.

MARCY  TWO... THREEEE!

AL     Here she comes! [laughs]

 Al opens the door just as Marcy is about to break in and she tumbles down the stairs and falls
 over the railing, screaming. Peg and Jefferson high-five.
 Al comes down the stairs, still laughing. Marcy gets up.

MARCY  [into the megaphone] Attention: I hate you people!

BUD    [still in bed with Ariel] Yeah? Well, imagine how I feel! [puts on his jacket] We're in
       the middle of something here!

MARCY  [on the megaphone, to Bud] This is an emergency. Please put on your pants, there's a
       twister coming!

BUD    No there isn't! I just rigged up some hoses and fans to trick Ariel into sleeping with me.

 Ariel slaps him angrily.

PEGGY  Yes, Bud, but in the meantime, a real storm blew in.

BUD    So I went to all this trouble for nothing?

 Ariel slaps him again.

MARCY  Bud, you're obscene. Who can possibly get turned on in the face of disaster?

 Thunder booms outside and almost instantly Marcy and Peg are all over their husbands, giggling.

MARCY  [holding Jefferson] Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, I'm not turned on, I just need shelter, you
       could be a tree, or a garage, or...

AL     A laundry folding wimp.

 A tree breaks the window. Peg and Marcy giggle and caress their husbands even more.
 Al picks up the megaphone, puts his hand on Peggy's forehead and holds her away at arms length.

AL     [into the megaphone] Women, be brave. There is no reason to lean on us or touch us in any
       way.

 Marcy takes the megaphone from him.

MARCY  [into the megaphone] For once I agree with Al. As your civil defence blok captain, there
       will be no sex during this storm.

 A loud clap of thunder causes the lights to flicker. Marcy puts down the megaphone and
 immeadiately jumps onto her husband and Peg does the same. The lights go out completely.

JEFRSN No, no! Don't!

 Only Marcy's high visibility vest can be seen hopping around wildly, as both couples are having
 sex. They can be heard screaming and shouting. 

JEFRSN Oh yes! Oh yes!

 The lights come back on. Al is asleep on the stairs and Peggy stands up, panting and holding her 
 back. Jefferson and Marcy are slumped on the floor and Marcy is stretching out her legs.
 Bud and Ariel are still on Bud's bed, but now Ariel is sitting angrily with her arms folded and
 Bud has his arms and legs wrapped around his rubber doll.

MARCY  Well, I guess it's safe enough to go upstairs now. [gets up] But be careful; there could
       be loose beams.

 Marcy goes up the stairs. Al snores noisily. Peggy whacks Al in the back with a piece of wood.

AL     Whoa! [stands up]

 Marcy tries unsuccessfully to open the door. 

MARCY  Oh, damn door is jammed.

AL     Move aside, Marcy. Let the men handle this. Jefferson, Bud.

BUD    All right, Dad.

 They go up a few steps and then Al and Jefferson turn to Bud.

BUD    What? What?

 Al and Jefferson lift Bud to use his head as a ram.

BUD    [screaming] No! No!

 Al and Jefferson ram Bud against the door.

AL     Damn door. Damn Bud's head, damn soft spot that never heals. Try it again!

 They ram Bud against the door again and he screams.

PEGGY  Al! Put him down!

AL     Ah, all right!

 Bud rolls down the stairs and falls over the railing.

MARCY  [to Peg] Furniture must be blocking the door.

PEGGY  [worried] I hope my couch is okay...

ARIEL  [getting up from bed] There must be another way out of here.

JEFRSN [quietly to Al] Hey Al, how about the secret way out?

 Al whacks Jefferson in the head.

AL     It's a secret! Now don't panic, Jefferson.

JEFRSN You're right. After all, Kelly knows we're down here.

AL     Right. And as soon as she remembers...

 Al stops and thinks this over. Al and Jefferson look at each other and then start shouting.

AL     Help! Help!
JEFRSN Help! Help!


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Kelly is running after Lucky with a tornado in the background.

KELLY  Come on Lucky, come here Lucky, please, come on Lucky.

 She glances behind her and stops.

KELLY  That's weird. [pants] I can outrun a tornado but I can't catch the damn dog. Maybe I'll
       try chasing the tornado for a while. Yeah! [starts running towards the tornado] Okay.
       Here, twister! Come on, twister!


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 The Basement.
 Jefferson, Peg, Bud and Ariel are sitting on Bud's bed. Al is sitting opposite them and Marcy is
 standing nearby holding a notepad.

MARCY  Well, since we're stuck here, we might as well play Mad Libs, okay? I need a verb.

AL     "Cluck".

MARCY  [writing] Okay... Somebody give me a command.

ARIEL  "Cluck you"?

AL     [smiling and pointing at Ariel] I like you.

MARCY  Y'know, perhaps Mad Libs is just a little too advanced for you people. So let's just play
       20 Questions, okay? Who'll ask the first question?

AL     "Go to hell".

MARCY  That's not a question!

ARIEL  "Why don't you go to hell?"

AL     [smiling] I really like you!

ARIEL  I'm good at games. Except I always lose at Strip Poker.

 Ariel gets up from the bed and sits down on the floor. Bud, Al and Jefferson gather around her
 and Bud starts dealing out cards.

MARCY  [into the megaphone] Game time is over!

 They whine unhappily.

PEGGY  Perhaps this would be a good time to hand out the food?

MARCY  Okay, but supplies are limited, so we're gonna have to pace ourselves. 

 Marcy holds open her backpack for Al, he takes out a black bag and starts eating from it.

AL     Mmm, that's good powdered turkey.

BUD    Dad, you're supposed to dissolve it in water first.

AL     [chewing] Yeah, I thought the turkey was a little dry this year. Peg! Open up the powdered
       yam.

PEGGY  Al, I can't believe you expect me to cook at a time like this.

 Jefferson turns on the radio.

RADIO  Well, it's not over yet folks. That tornado that hit Cook County is supposed to double
       back at force five.

AL     [to Jefferson] Force five?! That's five times harder than the last one!

 Peg and Marcy are putting on makeup.

JEFRSN Dear God no. I can't live through that again.

AL     Oh, the darkness, the cold, the awful suction!

JEFRSN I'm not talking about the tornado, Al.

AL     Neither am I!

 Another clap of thunder is heard and the lights flicker. Peggy and Marcy look hornily at their
 husbands.

JEFRSN Hey Al, I know we swore on a stack of Big'Uns to keep the secret way out a secret, but...

 They look at their wives, who are applying lipstick and pursing their lips at them.

AL     You're right, Jefferson. This is a matter of life... or sex!

 Al and Jefferson get up and run to the wall. "Mission:Impossible" theme music is heard.
 They open a hinged framed poster to reveal a secret door.

AL     You got your key?

JEFRSN Always.

AL     On my mark.

 Jefferson swipes a card across an electronic lock. Al presses some buttons and then a red light
 changes to green. The door opens.

AL     Okay, Jefferson, hurry up.

JEFRSN You realise we may never see our wives again.

 They look again at Peg and Marcy, who are now spraying perfume on themselves.

AL     [laughing] I know.

 They go into the secret passageway, and climb out into the nudie bar.

AL     I think we made it, Jefferson.

JEFRSN Yeah, all the way to heaven!

 They start dancing with the girls.



EPILOGUE

 Kelly is dressed as Dorothy from "The Wizard Of Oz" and standing next to a scarecrow.

KELLY  It's not fair. The cowardly lion got courage, the Tin Man got a heart, and you got a
       brain.

S.CROW Wh - what did the wizard give you?

KELLY  [unhappily] A physical.

 A branch of a tree, shaped like a hand, reaches from off-screen and touches Kelly's butt.

KELLY  Hey, cut it out!

 Kelly slaps the wooden hand and it recoils out of view.


THE END



Consulting Producer  Richard Gurman
Co-Executive Producers  Vince Cheung, Ben Montanio and
                        Russell Marcus
Executive Producer  Pamela Eells

Directed by  Gerry Cohen
Written by  Richard Gurman
Created by  Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
Co-Producer  Michael Greenspon
Produced by  John Maxwell Anderson

Creative Consultants  Alan Eisenstock and Larry Mintz
Executive Story Editors  Steve Faber and Bob Fisher
Story Editors  Valerie Ahern, Christian McLaughlin, Eric
               Abrams and Matthew Berry
Casting by  Rick Millikan C.S.A.
Associate Director  Sam W. Orender
Stage Managers  Richard Draney, Stephanie Scott, Stu Goldman
Music by  Jonathan Wolff
Art Director  Richard Improta
Assistant Art Directors  Heather Ross and Alex Fuller
Edited by  Larry Harris and Lee Gray
Production Associate  Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator  Carl Studebaker and Carson G. Smith
Technical Director  Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography  Dan Kuleto
Audio  J. Mark King, Robin Strickland, Scott Glickman
       and Alan Zema
Cameras  Steve Casaly, Bettina Levesque, Jim Lunsford
         and Dennis Turner
Re-Recording  Roy Pahlman and John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff  Peter Alexander, Garry Bowren, Bert L.
                  Cook, Cyndi Hogle, Christy Latusek
                  and Brandon Wainwright
Costumes  Marti M. Squyres
Property Master  Michael Semon
Make-up  Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist  Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer  Steven Ritt
Copyright (c) 1996 by ELP Communications