written by
Katherine Green

August 8, 1994


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

(AL IS WATCHING TV. KELLY ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE. SHE IS WEARING A BRUNETTE WIG)

KELLY   Hi, Daddy.

AL      (NOT LOOKING UP) Look at that. The bad guys shoot Superman a dozen times, see the bullets
        bounce off, so they throw their guns at him. What kind of morons are they. Don't they
        know about negative kryptonite?

KELLY   Notice anything different about me?

AL      (STILL NOT LOOKING UP) No, son.

KELLY   Daddy, it's Kelly.

AL      Well, tell her to come in.

KELLY   I'm already in. And I'm wearing a brunette wig.

(AL STARES AT THE TV)

KELLY   Aren't you going to ask why?

AL      (LOOKING UP) Why... 

AL      (V.O.) ...didn't I wear a condom.

KELLY   Because I got picked to do a public service announcement to encourage reading instead of
        illigitimacy.

AL      You mean illiteracy?

KELLY   I don't know. I couldn't read the thing. Anyway, I think I should do it as a brunette
        since blondes have a reputation, albeit undeserved, for being dumb.

AL      (V.O.) She can't be mine. We had a blonde-headed mailman who used to put our mail in the
        bird feeder. You don't suppose...

AL      Look, pumpkin, Daddy just wants to be left alone, okay? I'm watching a very important
        program. It's called Superman.

KELLY   (LOOKS) Is that him?

AL      Yes.

KELLY   What does that big "S" stand for?

AL      Straight. You can't be too careful when you dress like that. Now go away. I'm studying
        this kryptonite thing. If it can stop Superman, it just might work on your mother.

KELLY   You never pay attention to me. Maybe that's why I seek the cash and affection of older
        man.

(KELLY EXITS UPSTAIRS)

AL      That's nice, pumpkin. (YELLING TO HER) And I do pay attention.

(BUD ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE. HE HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS HEAD)

BUD     Hi, Dad.

AL      Hi, Peg.

BUD     It's me, Dad. I've gotta tell you about my day.

AL      Wait a minute, Son. I can't hear.

(AL REACHES FOR THE REMOTE. HE TURNS THE TV UP. WE HEAR THE SUPERMAN THEME. BUD TAKES THE REMOTE
 CONTROL AND TURNS THE TV OFF)

BUD     I'm there at the DMV ready to give a driver's test when a fat woman pulls in who's so fat 
        they had to shoot her driver's license photo with the Hubble Telescope.

AL      Been there. Shoe'd that.

BUD     The other driving examiner runs away and hides behind a Haitian. So I get in the car with
        her. Now to some folks, like Fat Frieda, a yellow light means speed up. To other people,
        like the guy driving the cement mixer in front of us, it means stop. I came to staring
        into the Jaws of Life. Turns out they were actually the Jaws of Frieda. But who cares, I
        was freed. And after all that she still asks me to pass her.

AL      (V.O.) Didn't we use to have a TV repairman who looked like him? You don't think...

AL      (TO BUD) Uh, sorry, Son. I wasn't listening.

BUD     You never listen to anyone.

AL      That's because you turned the TV off. If I had x-ray hearing like Superman, I'd be
        listening to him.

BUD     You're a sick man.

(BUD EXITS UPSTAIRS)

AL      (YELLING AFTER HIM) A person isn't crazy just because he watches Superman. He's only
        crazy if he thinks he *is* Superman.

(AL LOOKS TO MAKE SURE BUD IS GONE, THEN STRETCHES HIS ARMS OVER HIS HEAD AND BENDS OVER LIKE
 HE'S FLYING. JEFFERSON KNOCKS AND ENTERS. HE'S CARRYING A CATALOGUE)

JEFF    Hey, Al...

(HE SEES AL "FLYING". AL PRETENDS HE WAS YAWNING)

AL      Wife kept me up half the night.

JEFF    She wanted sex, huh?

AL      Yeah, I finally had to yank her plug right out of the wall. (AL TURNS THE TV ON) Oh,
        look. Superman is on.

JEFF    You know, I was always intrigued by his super powers. For instance, if Superman hit
        himself in the head, would he knock himself out?

(BOTH GUYS THINK FOR A MOMENT. THEN)

AL      No.

JEFF    Hey, speaking of nostalgia, I'm on my way to a memorabilia auction. You want to come with 
        me?

(AL STARES AT HIM)

JEFF    I mean after the show is over.

AL      What kind of memorabilia?

JEFF    All kinds of stuff. Marcy's birthday is coming up and I have to get her something.

AL      You could get her the hell out of the neighborhood.

JEFF    Naw, I'm going to buy her one of those original Barbie dolls for her birthday.

AL      No. This is my night off. Peg's out playing bingo and the kids haven't come home yet.
        Besides, I don't care much for memorabilia. I live in the present. Ooh! Dragnet's on.

(PEGGY ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR)

PEGGY   Al, guess what? I won at Bingo.

AL      Money?

PEGGY   Better. Look! A concertina!

(PEGGY TAKES OUT A CONCERTINA AND STARTS PLAYING "BLOW THE MAN DOWN")

AL      (TO JEFFERSON) Well, let's go. We'll be late for that auction.

(AL AND JEFFERSON EXIT)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. AN AUCTION HOUSE - A FEW HOURS LATER - NIGHT

(AL AND JEFFERSON ARE SITTING NEAR THE FRONT. THE AUCTIONEER IS HOLDING A SMALL DISPLAY CASE)

AUCT    I have nine hundred and fifty dollars for this piece of tile from the Space Shuttle
        Columbia. Do I hear a thousand. Going. Going. Gone.

AL      Nine hundred and fifty dollars for a piece of crappy tile? Who are these people?

JEFF    I just hope the Barbie bidding stays low. I only brought two grand.

AL      No Barbie doll is worth two thousand dollars. In fact nothing on God's Little Acre is
        worth two thousand dollars.

AUCT    The next item up for bid is the first issue of "Big 'UNs" in it's original wrapper.

AL      (JUMPS UP) Twelve hundred dollars!

AUCT    Well, I was going to open the bidding at twenty five bucks, but sold to the... shoe
        salesman?

(AL HANGS HIS HEAD)

JEFF    Al, where are you going to get twelve hundred dollars?

AL      You just said you had two grand.

JEFF    That's for Marcy's birthday present.

AL      But, Jefferson. The original "Big 'Uns" were forty pages. That's eighty Uns. And back
        then they didn't waste space showing their faces.

JEFF    But I took this money from Marcy to buy her a present.

AL      Who loves you more, buddy. Me or your wife?

JEFF    I hate it when you put me on the spot like that. (BEAT) Okay. Maybe I can find a Barbie
        for eight hundred.

(THE MAN SITTING BEHIND THEM, A BARBIEPHILE, LEANS OVER)

BARBPH  (OVERHEARING) You won't be able to get Woodstock Barbie for that. She comes with Elephant
        Leg bellbottoms and a Poor Boy top. I'm prepared to go as high as ten thousand.

AL      Ten grand for a Barbie? You could get a real woman for a year for that. Or a redhead for
        life. Of course, Barbie is mute and can still get into her clothes.

BARBPH  But this is Barbie! Aren't you Barbiephiles, too?

AL      No. I'm a Big 'Uns-phile. In fact I have a "Big 'Uns" file. (TO JEFFERSON) Ten grand for
        a doll. How sick is that?

AUCT    Next item going up for bid. Hopsing's ponytail.

AL      (EXCITEDLY TO JEFFERSON) How much money did you say you had left?


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE 

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT

(AL AND JEFFERSON ENTER. JEFFERSON HAS A BARBIE IN A BOX. AL HAS HIS "BIG UNS." AL STARTS TO TEAR 
 THE WRAPPER OFF HIS MAGAZINE)

JEFF    Al, you know if you break the seal the value goes way down.

AL      Every married man knows that. (HE TEARS THE WRAPPER OFF) See you next week.

(AL STARTS OFF)

JEFF    Wait, I need some help wrapping this. I need your finger to hold the ribbon tight.

AL      My fingers are busy.

JEFF    That "Big 'Uns" still technically belongs to me, you know.

AL      Oh, all right. One finger. But hurry.

(THEY SIT DOWN. JEFFERSON STARTS WRAPPING)

JEFF    I was lucky to get this Nurse Barbie for eight hundred. (LOOKS AT IT) Ooh, look. They put 
        a belly button on her.

AL      That's because they want little girls to know how the human body really looks. That's why
        Married Ken has no genitals.

(PEGGY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. SHE HAS JEFFERSON'S CATALOGUE. AL QUICKLY HIDES HIS "BIG 'UNS" UNDER 
 THE COUCH)

PEGGY   Hi, Honey. Here's your Barbie catalogue, Jefferson. I was just looking through it. I
        can't believe how much some of Barbie's clothes cost. Why, they're almost as much as the
        clothes I... see in the window but don't buy.

JEFF    Yeah, Marcy's really going to love this. She's crazy about Barbie. Sometimes when we make 
        love she likes me to call her Barbie.

PEGGY   Gee, Al just calls me "Hurry Up". (READING) Wow! Look how much they get for these
        Barbie's who were mistakes. A Barbie head on Chris' body goes for eight thousand. A
        Siamese twin Ken is worth fifteen thousand. And look at this one... fifty thousand
        dollars for a Nurse Barbie with a belly button.

(AL AND JEFFERSON BOTH LOOK UP IN DISBELIEF. PEGGY TOSSES THE MAGAZINE DOWN)

PEGGY   The things people spend money on. Well, I'm going upstairs to bed. I left my bun warmer
        on.

(PEGGY EXITS. JEFFERSON QUICKLY TAKES THE DOLL OUT OF THE BOX AND LOOKS AT IT AGAIN)

AL      What should we do?

JEFF    *We* say goodbye to *you* and catch a plane to Aruba.

(JEFFERSON GOES TO THE FRONT DOOR. HE OPENS IT. MARCY IS STANDING THERE. HE SLAMS THE DOOR IN HER 
 FACE AND LOCKS IT)

JEFF    (PANICKED) What do we do?

AL      *We* laugh our ass off and go read our "Big 'Uns".

MARCY   (KNOCKING) Jefferson Millhouse D'Arcy. Open this door right now.

JEFF    I can't give *this* Barbie to Marcy. It's too valuable.

(JEFFERSON QUICKLY CROSSES TO THE STAIRS, PUTS BARBIE BEHIND BUCK AND TAKES HIS RAWHIDE BONE. AL
 OPENS THE DOOR)

AL      Oh, Marcy. I thought I heard some pecking.

JEFF    Sorry, honey, but I didn't want you to see your birthday present before I got the price
        tag off.

(JEFFERSON HANDS HER THE BONE)

MARCY   Ah, a rawhide bone. And it's all wet and slimy. Thanks, honey.

JEFF    Well, it isn't everyday you have a birthday.

AL      Peg doesn't even have one every year.

MARCY   Jefferson, if this really is my present you'll rue the day you were ever born. If you
        think *this* thing is gnawed on, wait'll I...

(BUCK WALKS OVER WITH THE BARBIE IN HIS MOUTH AND DROPS IT AT HER FEET, THEN BARKS AND LEAPS
 THROUGH A FIERY HOOP)

BUCK    (V.O.) Now give me back my bone or I'm ripping *everybody* a new bellybutton.

MARCY   Oh, Jefferson! It's an original Nurse Barbie. She's beautiful. This must've cost you a 
        fortune.

JEFF    It's about to.

MARCY   I knew you wouldn't let me down. I've wanted this doll all my life ever since I was
        little and my parents wouldn't let me have a doll. They bought me a Chinese backscratcher.
        I put clothes on it but it wasn't the same. That's why this is so special. Thank you
        honey. I'm never letting her out of my sight.

(MARCY EXITS)

JEFF    Me, neither.

(JEFFERSON EXITS. AL GETS THE "BIG 'UNS" FROM UNDER THE COUCH)

AL      Me, neither.

(JUST THEN, PEGGY COMES DOWNSTAIRS, BUD AND KELLY COME FROM OUTSIDE. AL HIDES THE MAGAZINE AND
 SITS FORLORNLY AS THEY ALL PLOP DOWN ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY   Isn't this nice. The whole family together.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING

(AL ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR, TENTATIVELY)

AL      Peg? Bud? Kelly?

(NO ANSWER. HE HOLDS OUT A DOLLAR. NO RESPONSE. HE SMILES AND TURNS ON THE RADIO. "BOLERO" COMES
 ON. AL REACHES UNDER THE SOFA AND GETS HIS "BIG UNS." BUD ENTERS)

BUD     Hi, Dad.

AL      Of course.

BUD     Well, today at the DMV I learned that windshields are made from stuff called safety glass 
        so no one will get hurt when I go flying through it.

AL      Son, do I ever come home and bore you with stories about my day at work?

BUD     Once.

(AL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND BUD)

AL      I'm sorry, son. It isn't that I don't care -- oh, sure, that's part of it. But the main
        thing is I've got some important things to do.

BUD     "Big 'Uns?"

AL      Yes. Some even larger than your entire body. Now, you've got two choices: get out or get
        the hell out.

(BUD GETS UP TO EXIT)

BUD     You never pay attention to me. Is it any wonder I seek the affections of sleazy barmaids
        and twenty five cent movies?

AL      (TO SELF) Now I feel bad. (LOOKS AT THE COVER OF HIS MAGAZINE) Now I feel good.

(KELLY ENTERS WEARING A BLONDE WIG)

KELLY   Look, Daddy. I changed my mind. I decided it is not the color of the hair but the head
        it's stuck to that's important. Ergo, I've decided to do the public service announcement
        proudly wearing this blonde wig.

AL      But your real hair is blonde.

KELLY   Ah, but they don't know that.

(AL STARES AT KELLY AS HEARS PEGGY'S V.O.)

PEGGY   (V.O.) Al, do you think it's okay to sit this close to the TV while I'm pregnant.

KELLY   See, if I'm wearing a blonde wig, I can dye my real hair brunette. That way I can think
        like a brunette while still looking like a blonde.

AL      (V.O.) Or look like a blonde while thinking like a tree.

AL      An excellent idea. Now leave Daddy alone.

KELLY   Okay.

(AS KELLY EXITS UP THE STAIRS)

KELLY   (V.O.) I don't think Daddy was listening to me. I bet he's got a "Big 'Uns" under the
        couch. Oh, well the important thing to remember is I'm going up the stairs, up the
        stairs...

(JEFFERSON ENTERS)

AL      (TO THE HEAVENS) It's those buttons I put in the collection plate last Easter, isn't it?

JEFF    I've got a problem, Al. Marcy hasn't let go of that Barbie since I gave it to her. She
        even clutched it between us all night in bed.

AL      Why do you let her do that?

JEFF    I couldn't get it away from her.

AL      I mean sleep in the same bed with you.

JEFF    Look, buddy, I need you to do me a favor.

AL      Can I do it reading my magazine?

JEFF    No.

AL      Then forget it.

(JEFFERSON SNATCHES THE MAGAZINE AWAY)

JEFF    You know, this is still my magazine until you pay for it. Of course, I might be willing
        to forget the debt permanently for a certain favor.

(AL GRABS THE MAGAZINE BACK)

AL      Okay. What's the favor?

JEFF    I need you to sleep with Marcy.

(AL GIVES THE MAGAZINE BACK)

JEFF    I don't mean *sleep* with her. Just sleep next to her so I can have time to switch that
        Barbie with another Nurse Barbie. I called that Barbiephile we saw at the auction and
        he's willing to give me fifty thousand and a less expensive Barbie. But I need someone to 
        take my place in bed for an hour while I make the trade. So how about it? Surely you've
        done worse things then lie down beside Marcy for an hour.

AL      Well, I killed a man once, but still... (BEAT) What about your niece? Isn't she still
        staying with you?

JEFF    She'll be out on a date. I'll be home long before she is.

AL      And who's supposed to take *my* place in bed.

JEFF    That's the easy part. All you need is something big and hairy on your side of the bed. I
        thought that's why you got that dog.

BUCK    (V.O.) Eat my shorts.

AL      I don't know. If Peg woke up and found me gone it could ruin our otherwise sickening
        marriage.

JEFF    Hey, who do you love more, me or your wife?

AL      The truth?

JEFF    The truth.

AL      I love "Big 'Uns" more than both of you.

(HE TAKES IT BACK AND PUTS IT BACK UNDER THE COUCH)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. D'ARCY BEDROOM - NIGHT

(MARCY IS ASLEEP IN BED. JEFFERSON IS NEXT TO HER. A LADDER APPEARS AT THE WINDOW. AL CLIMBS IN.
 JEFFERSON MEETS HIM AT THE WINDOW. AL LOOKS AT MARCY, THEN TAKES A SHOT FROM A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.
 HE TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND TRADES IT FOR JEFFERSON'S PAJAMA TOP. JEFFERSON STARTS TO PUT ON AL'S 
 SHIRT. HE REELS FROM THE SMELL. HE TAKES A SHOT OF SCOTCH, THEN PUTS IT ON)

AL      (ANNOYED) Are you *sure* she won't wake up?

JEFF    I'm positive. We just had sex three times. I did her real good.

(AL STARTS TO FAINT. JEFFERSON CATCHES HIM)

JEFF    I switched Barbie with a barbell.

AL      Okay, but I'm keeping my head under the covers.

JEFF    I wouldn't. She sleeps in the nude.

AL      (DISGUSTED) One hour, Jefferson!

JEFF    One hour. By the way, she likes me to sleep with my hand on her ass. It'll keep her from
        waking up.

(JEFFERSON EXITS QUICKLY. AL RELUCTANTLY CLIMBS INTO BED. MARCY STIRS)

MARCY   (SLEEPILY) Jefferson, where are you?

(AL REACHES OVER AND PUTS HIS HAND ON HER ASS. SHE SETTLES DOWN. PAN TO THE CLOCK. IT SAYS 11:00)

DISSOLVE TO:

(THE CLOCK. IT NOW READS 12:00. PAN BACK TO MARCY STILL ASLEEP. AL STILL WIDE AWAKE HASN'T MOVED)

AL      (V.O.) Jefferson isn't back yet. He's never coming back, you know. He's out there
        somewhere with fifty thousand dollars in his pocket while I'm here in bed with his wife.
        He's probably at the airport right now laughing at me. To hell with "Big 'Uns." I'm
        gettin' out of here.

(AL STARTS TO GET UP. THE PHONE RINGS. MARCY ANSWERS IT SLEEPILY)

MARCY   Hello? Peggy?

(AL REACTS. THE FOLLOWING IS A SERIES OF INTERCUTS BETWEEN MARCY AND PEGGY WHO IS IN HER ROBE AND 
 GOWN)

PEGGY   I'm worried about Al. He's missing. (BEAT) Of course I checked all the bathrooms. He's 
        disappeared. I thought maybe he was with Jefferson.

MARCY   (PATS AL) No. My Jefferson's right here. Al's not with him.

PEGGY   Well, he's not at the Nudie Bar or the Sports Club, either. Where could he be?

MARCY   Maybe he's with another woman.

(BEAT, THEN SHE LAUGHS. PEGGY ALSO LAUGHS)

PEGGY   Thanks, Marcy, now I can sleep. I realize I'm being silly.

MARCY   I'll let you know if we hear anything.

(MARCY HANGS UP)

MARCY   That was Peggy. She thought Al was in the arms of another woman. Can you imagine Al in
        the arms of anything?

(AL REACTS)

MARCY   (COYLY) Jefferson? Want to take me again? Oh, come on. I don't like to criticize, but you 
        didn't really satisfy me earlier.

(WE HEAR A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. AMBER ENTERS)

AMBER   Aunt Marcy? Have you got a heating pad?

MARCY   There's one in the bathroom. Are you sick, honey?

AMBER   I just have the cramps. You know how it is when you have unusually heavy menstrual flow.

(AL PUTS A PILLOW OVER HIS HEAD)

MARCY   I know the feeling. I've gone to the super tampons myself lately.

AL      (V.O.) The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

AMBER   Even my breasts are swollen. Want to see?

(AL RAISES THE PILLOW TO PEEK)

MARCY   Not here, dear. We don't want to wake Uncle Jefferson up.

(AL HITS HIS PILLOW WITH HIS FIST IN FRUSTRATION. AMBER GETS THE HEATING PAD AND EXITS)

MARCY   Jefferson, honey, wake up. I want some lovin'. (BEAT) Jefferson. (NO REPLY) I swear, 
        you're getting just like Al... you're even starting to smell like him. (BEAT)
        Jefferson... your hand?

(AL RELUCTANTLY PUTS HIS HAND BACK ON MARCY'S ASS. MARCY GOES BACK TO SLEEP. THE CLOCK SAYS
 12:15)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. D'ARCY BEDROOM - LATER

(THE CLOCK SAYS 1:15. AL IS LYING WIDE AWAKE IN BED. MARCY'S ASLEEP NEXT TO HIM)

AL      (V.O.) Damn that Jefferson. He's probably half way to Hawaii by now. He's left me here
        holding the bag. Literally.

SFX: PHONE RING

(MARCY ANSWERS IT SLEEPILY)

MARCY   Hello.

(THE FOLLOWING IS INTERCUT BETWEEN PEGGY, ON THE COUCH IN THE BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN AND
 MARCY)

PEGGY   Marcy, I hate to bother you again but Al still isn't home. He's never been out this late
        without me... or with me. I've even called the morgue. Four other shoe salesmen committed
        suicide tonight, but not Al.

MARCY   It *is* odd for him to be out this late without telling you. Imagine, Al could be lying
        in a gutter somewhere, bleeding and dying.

PEGGY   I know. If anything's happened to Al, I don't know how I'd go on.

MARCY   I know how you feel. There's noting worse for a woman than losing her husband. Are we
        still on for lunch tomorrow?

PEGGY   Sure, but if the check on Al's life insurance can come through that fast it's on me.

MARCY   Okay. Listen, if Al isn't back in another hour, you call me back and Jefferson and I will 
        go out and help look for him, okay? Okay. Bye.

(MARCY HANGS UP, THEN TAKES THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK)

MARCY   I wouldn't look for my dog at two o'clock in the morning. And they smell better and
        slobber less. Jefferson, baby. Wanna do it?

AL      Uhuh. Sleepy now.

MARCY   Well, at least rub my back.

(AL REACHES OVER AND STARTS TO RUB)

MARCY   That's my chest.

(AL GETS A HORRIFIED LOOK ON HIS FACE)


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. D'ARCY BEDROOM - LATER

(THE CLOCK SPINS FROM 1:15 TO 4:15 AS WE HEAR AL HEAVING OFF STAGE IN THE BATHROOM. AL ENTERS
 FROM THE BATHROOM)

AL      (V.O.) I can't get back in bed with her. If I do Peg really will be a widow because it'll
        be eight soon and Marcy will wake up and see me. She'll scream, jump up and I'll see her
        naked and drop dead. My hand already did.

(JEFFERSON ENTERS)

JEFF    Sorry I'm late buddy. I swapped the Barbies, got the fifty thousand and was on my way
        back when something hit me.

AL      A car?

JEFF    No, the urge to gamble.

AL      You've been out gambling?

JEFF    Hey, I'm not like you. I have streaks of *good* luck. And I felt one coming on tonight.
        So I decided to run my fifty thou into a hundred thou.

AL      Did you?

JEFF    No. I lost it all. But I met some neat chicks.

(AL STARTS TO STRANGLE HIM. MARCY STIRS. JEFFERSON QUICKLY RUNS TO THE BED, AL RUNS TO THE
 LADDER)


CUT TO: 

ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A FEW MINUTES LATER

(AL SNEAKS IN THE DOOR. PEGGY TURNS ON THE LIGHT. SHE IS ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY   Al Bundy where have you been? And where did you get that sexy shirt?

AL      Uh, it's my new bowling shirt. I've joined a gay league.

PEGGY   Don't lie to me. (SHE SNIFFS HIM) You've been at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack,
        haven't you? Here I've been. Up all night worried sick. Pacing, fretting, cleaning. You
        know, I should do that more often. I found a magazine under the couch that was forty
        years old.

AL      Oh, no.

(AL RUNS AND LOOKS UNDER THE COUCH)

AL      Where is it, Peg?

PEGGY   I threw it out. No, wait. I think the pizza boy took it with him when he left.

AL      You gave my "Big 'Uns" away?

PEGGY   Well, I had to give him some kind of a tip and Kelly was asleep. God, you look sexy in
        that shirt.

AL      I want my "Big 'Uns."

PEGGY   Oh, Al. You tiger. They want you, too. Come on upstairs. They're all yours.

(SHE DRAGS HIM UPSTAIRS)

AL      I said Big Uns not Old Married Uns.

FADE OUT:

END OF SHOW