Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill.................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse..............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino.............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley...............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog...............Buck

Guest Cast:

Abraham Benrubi............Jimmy
Barbara Moore..............Dee Anna



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Al and Peg are sitting on the couch. Al's arm is around Peg's shoulder.

AL     You know, Peg, it's kinda nice sitting here like this with you.

PEG    How many beers did you have tonight, Al?

AL     Ten.

PEG    So I guess we're about a six-pack short of sex, huh?

AL     At least.

 Kelly comes in, smiling.

KELLY  Ooh, do I have juicy gossip. It's about cousin Jimmy.

PEG    Uh-oh. Did he find out our little Bud slept with his bride on their
       wedding day?

KELLY  [excitedly] He must have. I heard he's getting a divorce and he's coming
       to see Bud today. I think he's gonna squish the little love critter.

 Bud comes in, looking pleased with himself.

KELLY  Ah, well here's the footstool of love now.

BUD    Family, this is my lucky day. I was at school, and there was one of the
       great parties in all of history. A wet t-shirt contest. Large-hootered,
       mid-western farm girls were sliding down this beershoot half naked. There
       was dancing, there was loving... my first big frat party. Just a great
       bunch of guys having the time of their lives. And it took them a full
       fifteen minutes to see me peeking in the window and kick me out. Ah,
       Dad, you should've seen 'em. There were big 'uns, there were little 'uns,
       round 'uns, pear-shaped 'uns... here an 'un, there an 'un, everywhere an
       'un 'un.

 Bud makes clutching motions with his hands, then notices that the whole family 
 is looking at him oddly.

BUD    Ah, sure, like I'm the only Peeping Tom in this family.

KELLY  Well, I guess you deserve to know, tiny dancer. Cousin Jimmy is on his
       way over to have a little chat with you.

 Bud looks worried.

BUD    W-w-w-what do you think he wants?

KELLY  Your b-b-b-butt in a sling!

 The doorbell rings.

KELLY  Oh my god, that must me Jimmy. You better run!

 Bud starts to run towards the stairs, but Kelly grabs him by the back of his 
 shirt and pushes him to the door. She opens it and leaves Bud facing his huge 
 cousin Jimmy, whom is standing outside.

BUD    [in a high voice] Hi, Jimmy.

JIMMY  Hi cousin Bud. Hi cousin Kelly. Hi Uncle Al, Aunt Peggy. Hello, cousin
       Buck. Ah, it's too bad we only get together at weddings and funerals.
       Step outside, Bud.

 Peg nudges Al.

AL     Oh, all right, I'll handle this.

 Al gets up.

AL     Come on in, Jimmy. We heard the news. Congratulations.

JIMMY  Heh, anybody can eat a hundred Whoppers.

AL     No! I'm talking about the breakup. Now let's face it, you already had
       the honeymoon, that's the best part of the marriage. If it goes any
       longer, they turn into this.

 Al points at Peg.

AL     And if you're really unlucky, you get a couple of these.

 Al gestures towards Bud and Kelly. Kelly smiles, Bud looks very worried.

AL     Then you turn into... this.

 Al points at himself and sits back down.

JIMMY  Yeah, but she was the perfect woman. 

 Jimmy sits in the living room chair.

JIMMY  She was beautiful, she was rich and her parents are dead.

PEG    Boy, you must really wanna kill that guy.

JIMMY  Kill him? I want to rend him. I wanna rip off his arms, shove one of
       them down his throat and have him tear out his own heart. Anyway, Bud,
       I need to talk to you. 

 Jimmy looks around.

JIMMY  Bud?

 Kelly moves over to reveal Bud who was hiding behind her back. Jimmy chuckles.

JIMMY  You crack me up. Now get outside.

 Jimmy gets up and walks to the door.

BUD    Uh, I'll be right with you.

 Jimmy closes the door. Bud runs over to Al and sits on his lap like a little boy.

BUD    Aw, Dad, I don't want him pull my arms off and rip out my heart!
       All I did was sleep with his wife. What does he want from me?

AL     Now, Bud, just relax. I know how to handle this. I met a lot of big
       stupid bullies when I was growing up.

PEG    Uh-uh, Al. When you were growing up, you were the big stupid bully.

AL     [chuckling] Yeah, I was. I was good at it, too. But I wasn't just big
       and stupid. I was also mean. I used to scare people like your mother
       scares me.

BUD    Dad, can you ox around later? I'm facing death over here!

AL     All right, all right. Now here's what you do: as soon as he opens his
       mouth, you punch him right in the bread-basket with everything you've
       got. He'll drop faster than a sock after I buy it.

BUD    Thanks, Dad.

AL     All right, now go get him. All right! Go get him.

 Bud gets up and walks to the door. He looks back at the others with worry. 
 Al makes a punching motion. Bud gives him a thumbs up and walks outside.

AL     Peg, looks like there'll just be three of us for dinner.

 The camera moves outside to the veranda.

JIMMY  Bud -

 Bud punches Jimmy in the stomach with all his might. Jimmy doesn't even
 seem to feel it.

JIMMY  I've got a dilemma. This thing's really eating me up.

 Bud puches Jimmy in the stomach again. Jimmy laughs and pats Bud on the
 shoulder so strongly that Bud falls to the floor.

JIMMY  I've gotta kill the guy that did this to me. 

 Bud picks up the mailbox and climbs behind Jimmy, ready to hit him on the
 head.

JIMMY  If only I knew who he was.

BUD    So, you don't know?

 Jimmy turns around. Bud lowers the mailbox and takes a letter out of it.

JIMMY  All I know is that it's someone on this block. I need your help. Find
       him for me. It'll be just like when we were kids, someone was mad at
       you and I'd beat him up, when he was unconscious you'd come along
       and kick him... we were a great team then. Can I count on you?

BUD    She really didn't tell you anything?

JIMMY  No.

BUD    I mean, not even that this guy was the best she ever had? That he was
       good? Or at least even better than a really tight pair of pants?

JIMMY  Nah, she said it really wasn't worth mentioning.

BUD    That bitch!

JIMMY  You're really mad, aren't you, Bud? That touches me. You let me know
       when you find this guy, 'cause I want him bad.

 Jimmy takes the mailbox out of Bud's hands and squishes it.

BUD    Me too!

 Bud tears up the letter he's holding. Jimmy leaves and Bud walks back into
 the house calmly.

BUD    Jimmy doesn't have a clue. He doesn't even know it was me. And the
       greatest thing is he's never gonna find out. I mean, who's gonna tell
       him?

AL     Not me.

PEG    Not me.

 Kelly smiles and says nothing.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 Kelly is sitting in the living room chair, and Bud is brushing her hair.

KELLY  Now, remember Bud, that's one hundred strokes.

 Bud starts counting as he brushes.

BUD    Right, Kel. Eight, nine, sixteen, forty-four, ninety-nine, one hundred.

KELLY  Okay. You know, it's a good thing you didn't cheat, 'cause I was
       counting along with you. You're a good slave. And a damn fine eunuch.

BUD    You're not gonna tell Jimmy, right?

KELLY  Not as long as my little leprechaun keeps granting my wishes. 

 Bud sits on the couch next to Buck. Kelly gets up.

KELLY  Now, don't forget to pick up my cleaning, hang up my panty hose... oh,
       and, uh, try not to get tangled up in them this time.

 Kelly runs her hand through her hair.

KELLY  Hey, you do a good work. It's hard to believe you're straight. Very hard.

 Kelly goes upstairs. Bud brushes Buck's fur with the same brush he used to
 brush Kelly's hair.

BUD    Thanks for letting me use your flea brush, Buck boy.

BUCK   No problem. I've been using your toothbrush for years.

 Buck leaves. Al comes in and stands behind Bud.

AL     Son, are we alone?

BUD    Yeah, Dad.

AL     Good. Then you're the only one I have to get rid of.

BUD    Dad, I need to talk to you.

AL     Why is it always me? Get a friend.

 Al takes a beer out of the refrigirator.

BUD    Dad, cousing Jimmy's going crazy. He says if I don't find out who it
       is he's just gonna go up and down the block and beat everyone up. I
       put the whole block in danger. Am I doing the wrong thing by lying?

AL     Don't ever say that, son! The Bundy proud name was built on a philosophy
       of lying. Well, lying and owing money. And perhaps beer. Yes, lying,
       owing money and beer. Only thing that seperates us from the Kennedys is
       they have the money. 

 Al sits next to Bud.

AL     Son, always remember the Bundy credo: "Lie when your wife is waking, lie 
       when your belly's aching, lie when you know she's faking. Lie, sell shoes 
       and lie."

BUD    So, that really is our family credo?

AL     No. No, actually the family credo is: "Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum,
       hooters, hooters, on a girl that's dumb." But the father in me felt that
       you needed a wholesome message at this time. So lie to anyone you want
       as long as nobody gets hurt.

BUD    But Dad, I'm afraid somebody will get hurt.

AL     Well then, someone in the family doesn't get hurt.

BUD    Well, cousing Jimmy is family, and I hurt him.

AL     Well, then the immediate family - see, this is why I don't like talking
       to you! So, do anything you want, with anyone you want, just as long as
       you don't wear a dress.

 Jefferson comes in with a black eye.

JFRSN  Your cousin Jimmy beat me up. And he tore my little horsie.

 Jefferson points to a small horse patch on his shirt which is almost ripped off.

JFRSN  He thinks I slept with his wife.

AL     Well, let him sleep with yours, that'll be the end of him.

JFRSN  Hey, look, he's your relative. Do you know anything about it?

AL     Son, the Bundy credo.

BUD    [to Jefferson] Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum, hooters, hooters on a girl
       that's dumb.

 Jefferson looks at Bud oddly. Al smiles at Jefferson.

AL     [chuckling] No, no. See, the boy means that we don't know anything. 
       [to Bud] It was the other credo, you idiot.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Al and Bud are sitting on the couch. Jefferson is sitting in the kitchen, 
 pressing an ice-pack to his black eye.

BUD    Are you okay, Mr. D'Arcy?

JFRSN  Never underestimate me. I can handle myself, I'm an athlete. I run a
       lot. You know, to stay in shape. So after he hit me a couple times, I
       took off. He chased me, but I was too much man for him. Left him in the
       dust. The last time I saw him, he was puffing and panting. Yeah, you pay
       when you go up against Jefferson D'Arcy.

BUD    What made him think you were the guilty one?

 Jefferson gets up.

JFRSN  He said he was looking on the block for a great-looking guy women find
       irresistible.

 Jefferson gestures at himself and shrugs.

JFRSN  Sometimes I wish I looked like you two.

 Jefferson looks at Al and Bud and bursts out laughing.

JFRSN  No, that's not true.

 Marcy comes in and stands just inside the door, glaring at Jefferson.

MARCY  You slut! [walks over to him] Tramp! Hussie! Libertine! I heard the whole
       story from that young man. How dare you do the good and plenty with
       another woman?

 Marcy tears off the horse patch from Jefferson's shirt.

MARCY  And this is not the last thing you're gonna lose.

JFRSN  Look, I'm innocent, Marcy. Think rationally. If I wanted a young,
       pretty, sexy girl, I never would've married you!

AL     Yeah. Why go out for a succulent steak when you've got a dried up strip
       of beef jerky at home?

 Marcy starts to charge towards Al but is held back by Jefferson. Al gets up
 threateningly. Peg comes in.
 
PEG    I just had a couch-off with Marilyn Stravitz down the street. [chuckles]
       She was telling everyone that she could out-sit me on the couch. But
       after about twenty hours, she started cramping and crying about
       wasting her life. Punk.

 Al and Peg high-five. 
 Peg walks into the kitchen with Marcy following her.

MARCY  Peggy, Jefferson cheated on me.

PEG    Well, when you age and lose your beauty, men cheat.

AL     It's not your looks that keeps me here, Peg. It's mine. I don't think I
       can get anybody.

 Marcy and Peg sit at the kitchen table.

MARCY  Oh, I know I was asking for trouble when I married such a good-looking
       man. I mean, what do I have to keep a man like that?

 Peg looks at Marcy and says nothing.

MARCY  This is where you, as my friend, are supposed to jump in and say that
       I'm pretty and sassy and spunky and, yes, sexy in that late 70's New
       York androgynus band way.

 Peg shrugs and still says nothing.

MARCY  Can't you at least say that I have a pleasing personality? You'd give
       that to any fat woman.

PEG    You have a very nice personality, Marcy.

MARCY  You bet your sweet ass! But I know Jefferson cheated on me with that
       girl. It had to be him. The only males around at the time were Jefferson,
       Bud and old man McGinty. The old man can barely walk or go to the
       bathroom by himself, but still there's not a woman on the block who
       wouldn't take him over Bud.

BUD    Hey, you wanna keep it down over there? How far away do you think I am?

MARCY  Peggy, what would you do if Al cheated on you?

PEG    Oh, that would never happen. He's like a big old faithful hound dog.
       [chuckles] Nobody wants him and he's not good for anything, but I've
       had him since he was a puppy and he has his cute little ways.

 We see Al with a big heart around his face. He takes something out of his 
 left ear, examines it and then sticks it into his right ear. Peg watches
 him lovingly.

PEG    Excuse me, Marcy. I have to go.

 Peg runs over to Al and kisses him on the cheek.

AL     Hey, now, what do you want?

PEG    You, you true blue little Pooh Bear. Take me. Take me in the rubble that
       is our bed.

AL     Well, I didn't do no -

 Peg pulls Al by the ear and leads him upstairs squealing. Marcy gets up and
 walks over to Jefferson.

MARCY  Well, mister, I'll tell you this. You're not gonna be getting into these
       pants ever again. And I mean that literally. I'm telling you, I'm not
       gonna let you wear these pants!

 Bud gets up.

BUD    Well, obviously you two people have a beautiful, healthy marriage, but
       I can't be responsible for breaking it up. This man didn't cheat on you.
       I'm the stud, the stallion, the king of 'em all, y'all. I, Bud Bundy, am
       the irresistible one who broke up my cousin's marriage.

 Marcy and Jefferson burst out laughing.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Bud is sitting on the couch eating something. Kelly walks over from the kitchen
 and sits next to him.

KELLY  Ring ring. 

 Kelly makes an imaginary phone receiver with her fingers and talks into it.

KELLY  Hello, Mr. Bud? Yes I do believe it's time for my hair appointment.

 Kelly tilts her head so that it's in front of Bud's face. Bud wipes his mouth
 on her hair.

KELLY  Eww. Now I've got dweeb goo in my hair. I'm telling Jimmy.

BUD    Save your breath, Hungry Man Dinner. You have no hold over me anymore.
       I decided to tell Jimmy the truth, and take what comes.

KELLY  Oh good, then I win twice. You were my slave and now you're gonna be
       dead. Yay me!

 Kelly gets up.

KELLY  But you know, this has been very educational for me. I always thought
       if you had sex, it would be the girl who died.

 Kelly leaves. Al comes down the stairs.

AL     [shouting] Uh, I'll be right back, Peg! I must speak to the boy about
       his sin. [to Bud, still talking loudly] Son, I must speak to you about
       the Bundy philosophy. You must always tell the truth.

BUD    Dad, I thought you said the Bundy philosophy was to lie.

AL     [whispering to Bud] It is, son. I'm lying to your mother right now. I
       have to get ready to go bowling, so every time I point at you, say,
       "Yes, Dad."

 Al walks over to the closet.

AL     [loudly] And so I feel that bla bla bla bla bla bla.

BUD    [loudly] Uh, yes, Dad.

 Al opens the closet and takes off his shirt.

AL     Bla bla bla.

BUD    [loudly] Yes, dad.

 Bud walks over to Al, who is putting on his red bowling shirt.

BUD    [more quietly] Dad, I think what I did was wrong.

AL     Bla bla.

BUD    [loudly] Good point, Dad.

AL     Don't ad-lib, son.

BUD    [loudly] Uh, yes Dad. [quietly] Dad, I really don't feel good about
       myself.

 Al starts buttoning his shirt.

AL     Aww. Bla.

BUD    Dad, I will never take something again that's not mine! I swear this to
       you and the heavens above: I'll never do it again!

AL     Son, I see you're hurting, so I wanna say this to you and I wanna say it
       sincerely: bla bla, son. Bladios.

 Al opens the garage door and starts to go in. Soon he is pushed back inside by
 Peg.

PEG    We are not finished yet. At least I'm not.

 Peg pulls Al into the garage. There is a knock on the door. Bud opens it and
 Jimmy comes in.

BUD    Jimmy! I'm glad you're here. I have something to tell you. God, you're
       big. I - I know who slept with your fiance. It was -

JIMMY  Who cares? The past is just a frown turned upside down. One must move on.
       I have found my one true love. Bud, meet Diana.

 A sexy blonde girl named Dee Anna comes in.

DEEANN Dee Anna.

JIMMY  Whatever. [to Bud] Isn't she great?

 Bud turns his back to Dee Anna and walks away from her.

BUD    I don't know. I don't care. I don't even look at girls. I don't know.

JIMMY  [to Dee Anna] Honey, I need to talk to Bud alone for just one second.

 Jimmy walks over to Bud.

JIMMY  [to Bud] Bud, even though I just met her, I'm gonna go out and get her
       an engagement ring. I don't know if I'm just in love with being in love,
       or if it's just that I'm so stupid I refuse to learn from my own
       mistakes.

BUD    Well, maybe you're just in love with being stupid.

JIMMY  Yet a third possibility. Listen, I gotta go, but I'll leave her here
       with you where she's safe. 'Cause I can trust you. You're my best
       cousin, you're my best friend, and you're gonna be my best man.

 Jimmy lifts Bud in his arms and rocks him.

JIMMY  Hey, you're getting pretty big. Pretty soon I'm not gonna be able to
       do this anymore.

 Jimmy puts Bud down, kisses Dee Anna and leaves. Bud sits on the couch with 
 his face turned away from Dee Anna. She sits next to him.

DEEANN How come you aren't looking at me? Don't you like me?

BUD    No, you're a girl. Yuck. Poo.

DEEANN I find your indifference intoxicating. Look at me.

BUD    No!

DEEANN This is thrilling. Take me. Take me now.

 Bud turns around to face her. A small Jimmy appears, sitting on Bud's shoulder.

JIMMY  You're my best cousin, my best friend and my best man.

 The small Jimmy disappears and a small Al appears on Bud's other shoulder.

AL     Bla bla bla.

 The small Al disappears.

BUD    [thinking] Dad's right! If she'll flirt with me, she'll flirt with
       anyone. She'll just hurt cousin Jimmy. I know what I have to do. [out
       loud, to Dee Anna] You're not good enough for my cousin Jimmy, but
       you're just perfect for me.

 Bud hugs Dee Anna and they start to make out on the couch. The frame freezes
 and the small Al reappears, sitting on the couch.

AL     Stee-rrrike!



CREDITS

DIRECTED BY GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY ARTHUR SILVER
CREATED BY RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR LARRY JACOBSON
ABRAHAM BENRUBI AS JIMMY
BARBARA MOORE AS DEE ANNA
AND BUCK AS BUCK THE DOG
CASTING BY TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A AND STEVEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISER/COMPOSER MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTION RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR JIM VARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS RICHARD DRANEY STEPHANIE SCOTT
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO J. MARK KING
CAMERAS MIKE CULP MARK LACAMERA BETTINA MYLENEK DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING ROY PAHLMAN JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF GABRIELLE TOPPING FRAN KAUFER HELEN PAI MARY E. STEWART
  ROCHELLE F. STATEN DON BECK GARRY BOWREN BERT L. COOK CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES MARTY M. SOUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP PATTY BUNCH
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ELP COMMUNICATIONS