Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck

Guest cast:

Joey Lauren Adams.......Janie
Andrea Elson............Heidi
Sara Melson.............Corky
Robin Killian...........Natalie



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Al is sleeping in bed. He wakes slightly to hear a sexy voice calling him.

VOICE   Al...

Al turns to find a beautiful girl, Natalie, beside him.

AL      [smiling] I knew you'd come back. They always come back.

GIRL    You're poison, Al. But you're my kind of poison.

AL      I'm hip! Pleasure me, baby.

He and the girl start getting it on.

 THE SCENE BLURS 

Al is now cuddling Peg; it was all a dream. Al doesn't realise it yet.

PEGGY   Oh, Al!

Al's smile fades. Moments later, he look cautiously at Peg and reacts in horror.

AL      Aa-rgh! How dare you wake me up that way?

PEGGY   Who'd you think you were kissing?

AL      [pausing before answering] You.

PEGGY   I want you to tell me the truth.

AL      Oh, alright. I was kissing my dream girl. She was a magnificent young beast with a 
        great body and luscious hooters.

PEGGY   Oh, Al. You do dream of me!

AL      All too often.

They both chuckle.

PEGGY   [sitting up] Now, honey, you might want to freshen up. We're going to your cousin Jimmy's
        wedding. [grabbing a toothbrush off her bedside table] All right, open up.

Al opens his mouth and Peg brushes his teeth. 
Al then lifts his arms and she brushes the hairs in his armpits.

PEGGY   Oops, missed a spot. 

She brushes Al's teeth again. 

PEGGY   There you are. Now you're all minty fresh.
 
AL      No tartar under my arms!

Peg laughs.

AL      Where's my suit?

PEGGY   Oh God. Men never know where anything is. [gets up] A woman always knows.
        [she walks around to the foot of the bed, to where Buck lies] Get up, Buck. Go on! [Buck
        gets up] Good boy. 
        [Peg picks up Al's suit from underneath him and hands it to Al] Well, at least it doesn't
        smell like you were wearing it.

AL      Where's my dress shirt?

PEGGY   Where it always is, honey, at the bottom of the hamper. 

Peggy goes to bathroom hamper, tosses out four items of clothing, finds Al's shirt and hands it
to him.

PEGGY   There y'are. You know, I swear, if your head wasn't attached to your body -

AL      Yeah, Buck'd be sleeping on it. [Peg gives him a look] The shirt needs to be ironed, Peg.

PEGGY   I don't feel like ironing.

AL      But it's a wedding, Peg.

PEGGY   Oh, all right.

Peg lays the shirt on the bed, then sits on it. Al holds Peg by the shoulders and moves her
around, bounces her up and down - using her butt as the iron - then helps her up.

PEGGY   There. I hope you're happy. [picks the shirt up] I'm exhausted. Now get dressed.

AL      What for? You're just gonna go in there and make yourself over for three hours 'til you
        look exactly the same way you do know. Where's my socks?

PEGGY   Right here, sweetie. Here ya go. 

Peg hands Al two mismatched socks. One has a big hole in the toe.

AL      But Peg, they don't match. And look here, look at this! [he puts his hand through to the
        tip of the sock with the hole in it]

PEGGY   All right, well... [picking up scissors from the dressing table and then cutting the top
        off the other sock] There you go. Now they match.


SCENE TWO

The lounge room.
Bud and Kelly are nicely dressed in their wedding clothes, Kelly in an off-white bridesmaid's
dress. There is a clock-shaped present wrapped up on the table. Kelly puts a bow on it.

KELLY   Feels good to give someone something nice for a wedding.

BUD     Yeah. They're gonna love this clock. It's an antique.

Marcy and Jefferson enter.

MARCY   Have you seen our antique cuckoo clock?

Kelly and Bud stand and try to conceal the clock behind them.

KELLY   Do you have a warrant?

BUD     If my sister could form a thought, what she meant to say was, we are sick and tired of
        being accused of stealing every time someone jimmies open your back door with a crowbar
        and takes a clock and a pastrami sandwich. Now we demand an apology!

KELLY   Yeah. Yeah, and it wouldn't hurt to have pickles in your refrigerator either!

Bud looks at her.

BUD     In other words, it wasn't us.

JEFF    Well, you know Marcy, we really don't have any proof...

The clock's bird suddenly pops out, breaking through the wrapping paper, making cuckoo noises.
Marcy runs over to it and sees that it is her clock. She rips open more of the wrapping.

MARCY   It's Petey! See, I told you they stole my clock. Jefferson, they must be punished. 
        Something cruel and highly unpleasant.

JEFF    How 'bout you sit them down and talk to them for a while? That's something they'll never
        forget.

MARCY   So you don't like our little talks? Well, we'll just have to talk about that. Admit it,
        you've always hated Petey!

JEFF    Now, why would I hate something that pops out every 15 minutes screaming "Cuckoo! 
        Cuckoo!" Every hour, every day, every week, "Cuckoo! CUCKOO!" Keeps me up half the
        night. I've seen Dionne Warwick and her damn Psychic Friends Network a thousand times.
        Because of that clock. And look at my eyes. [he shows Kelly and Bud his eyes] Look at
        them. Do you know how many cucumbers it takes to keep the puffing and the swelling down?
        Well I do.

MARCY   So, last spring, Petey really didn't just "fall" into the toilet bowl, did he?

JEFF    I hated that clock. YES, I TRIED TO KILL HIM! I wanted him out of my life. Along with
        your Elvis plates. And your whips and your paddles and your big...

MARCY   Okay, honey, I don't think this is appropriate talk to have in front of the little thieves.
        Where are your parents?

Kelly and Bud shrug just as we hear Al and Peg's voices from upstairs.

AL      [o.s.] Peg, leave it alone. It happens to be mine!

PEGGY   [o.s.] But it just hangs lifelessly. Let me fiddle with it, I'll straighten it out!

AL      [o.s.] For God's sake, Peg, you're gonna pull it off!

Kelly, Bud, Jefferson and Marcy all look disgusted.  
Then we see Al and Peg -- they are fiddling with his tie.

AL      [holding up his tie] Now it's too long!

PEGGY   Most women like it that way.

AL      I don't care what women like. [swinging it about] I'm the one who's gotta lug it around!

Back to the lounge room.

MARCY   How can these children possibly know right from wrong? They need a strong male figure in
        their lives.

JEFF    What are you gonna do, Marcy, move in? [laughs]

MARCY   What exactly do you mean by that? Do you think I'm bossy? 'Cause I don't think I'm bossy,
        not bossy at all, Missy. Or are you calling me masculine? 'Cause I'm not masculine, I'M
        FEMININE! [she puts her hand on her hips] Now, if you don't want a hook [punches the
        air] to the liver, little man, you'll pick up the clock and march on home!

Marcy looks insane as she points at the door. 
Jefferson sheepishly gets up and attempts to pick up the clock, but fails.

JEFF    It's kinda heavy, Marcy.

MARCY   [sighing] Just get the door.

Jefferson opens the door. Marcy picks up the clock with ease and carries it out past Jefferson.

JEFF    [to Bud and Kelly] I can lift it. Yeah, and I can lift it when it comes time to dump Ol'
        Petey in the toilet! [closes the door] Hey Petey. Surf's up. 

He walks off.


SCENE THREE

The Bundys' bedroom.
Al is sitting on the bed, clearly bored. He is dressed in everything but his suit jacket. 
Peg comes out of the bathroom wearing a black dress and is carrying two pairs of shoes, one gold,
one black.
 
PEGGY   [holding out the shoes] Which shoes do you like better?

AL      I don't care.

PEGGY   Which shoes do you like better?

AL      I don't care.

PEGGY   Come on, Al, I'm your wife. I'm a reflection of you and I wanna look good for you.
        Besides, you are a shoe professional and I'd like your opinion.

Al feels privileged by Peg's comment.

AL      Well, considering the color of your hair, the color of your dress, the time of day and
        the nature of the event, it is my professional opinion that... I like the gold.

PEGGY   Fine, then I'll wear the black. [she throws the gold shoes on the bed] Now hook me up. 

She points to her dress and turns around. Al obeys and does up her dress.

AL      You know, why is it that women buy clothing that fastens in the back so they need help to
        get dressed? I mean, you don't hear men in the locker room say, "Hey, Fred, gimme a hand
        with this zipper."

PEGGY   They're just saying, "Hey Fred, smell this. I don't need a shower do I?" [turns around to
        face Al] So how do I look?
 
AL      Hmm, you look nice.

PEGGY   Then I have to change.

Peggy goes into the bathroom. Al calls out after her.

AL      I was only kidding ya, Peg; you look terrible. I'm embarrassed to be seen with ya. Come
        on Peg, let's go!
 
He slumps to the bed, defeated.


SCENE FOUR

The living room. 
Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch, Kelly filing her nails.

BUD     Kel, I need some help. There's going to be some girls at this wedding and I'm planning on
        buttering one up. What do you think would be my best pick up line?

KELLY   All right, how 'bout this: "Hey Miss, I'm the Keebler Elf. Would you like some free 
        cookies? If you've got the time, I've got the hollow tree."

She laughs.

BUD     Yeah, maybe I asked the wrong person. You're used to responding to, "Yo. Here."

KELLY   Oh, okay, you little gibbon. How 'bout this. When you see a girl, but before she sees
        you, stand on her feet so she can't run... They you say to her, "I think you are the most
        beautiful girl I've ever seen. I'd like to share a night of incredible sex with you. No
        names, no questions, no regrets. Come be one with me."
 
BUD     You really think that's better than, "Let's do it. I have my own bedroom in my parent's
        house"?

Kelly does not look too sure about that approach. 
The doorbell rings and Kelly answers it. Two other ladies [Corky and Heidi] in bridesmaid dresses
are there, one in pale green, one in pink. They are all excited.

GIRLS   Hi! Hi! Everybody looks so great, so great...

Kelly closes the door.

KELLY   The three of us are going to make one beautiful bridesmaid.

They giggle.

KELLY   Hey, wait a minute. Are we in different colors?

They look at their dresses.

CORKY   Well, you'd know, you're the smart one.

KELLY   Let's color co-ordinate.

GIRLS   Okay.

The three of them run upstairs, Bud watching them. They stop on the stairs and look at Bud.

HEIDI   Who's he?

CORKY   I don't know. From up here he looks like an ant.

They laugh and continue upstairs.
The doorbell rings again. Bud answers it and there is an attractive girl waiting, dressed casually
in jeans and a t-shirt.

JANIE   Hi. Where did Corky and Heidi go?

Bud closes the door as Janie came inside.

BUD     Uh, one of them had an idea and the others are crowning her Queen.

JANIE   Well, they were supposed to come right back out; I'm driving them to the church.

Bud walks around Janie, studying her. Janie doesn't hate it.

JANIE   See anything you like?

BUD     'Deed I do.

Bud takes Kelly's advice and steps on Janie's foot so she can't run away.

BUD     I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I'd like to share a night of
        incredible sex with you. No names, no questions, no regrets. Come be one with me.

JANIE   What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was distracted by the pain. You're standing on my
        foot?

Bud removes his foot.

JANIE   Did anyone ever tell you how much you look like the Keebler Elf?

BUD     Well, you wanna come upstairs and see how cookies are really made? [beat] What am I saying.
        Of course you wouldn't.

Bud turns and starts to exit but Janie reaches out and grabs Bud's tie, whips him around and
kisses him.

JANIE   Let's go upstairs and bake.

Bud eagerly runs half way up the stairs, pauses, then comes back down and takes Janie's hand.

BUD     You should come too.

They both run upstairs.


SCENE FIVE

We see the exterior of the Bundy house. 

KELLY   [o.s.] Now thanks to me, we match.

Now the interior of the lounge room, as Kelly, Corky and Heidi come down the stairs dressed in
identical short black leather dresses, each with a different metal belt. 
Heidi goes to the front door to look out.

KELLY   I think we made an excellent choice. Nothing says "Bridesmaid or easy" like short, black
        leather.

HEIDI   Hey, Janie's not in the car.

CORKY   Well, we can't wait for her, we'll be late for the wedding.

KELLY   Relax, they can't start the wedding without her - she's the bride!



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The living room.
Kelly is on the phone. Corky and Heidi are sitting on the couch.

HEIDI   Well, she couldn't have gone anywhere, her car's still outside.

Kelly hangs up the phone and sighs.

KELLY   I just called Information. They are morons. They didn't even know that Janie was getting
        married. They didn't know anything. They didn't even know who I was! God, they should
        call themselves "Stupidnation".
 
CORKY   Where could she be?

KELLY   [picking up the phone] She's in here with the time lady and the weather guy and that jerk
        who goes "beeep beeep beeep" when you leave the phone of the hook. 

She hangs up the phone and sits on the couch.

KELLY   Sometimes I wish I could yell real loud so I wouldn't need a phone at all.

CORKY   Uh, Kel, I was talking about Janie. God, what could a bride be doing before her wedding?

Janie then comes down the stairs, straightening up her clothes. Her hair is slightly tousled.

JANIE   Hi guys. Uh, Bud was just showing me around your house. Wow, cool outfits. Nothing says
        "Bridesmaid or easy" like short black leather. Well, come on, let's get me married.

The others get up. Corky and Heidi link arms with Janie.

HEIDI   Are you nervous?

JANIE   Not anymore, I'm loose as a noodle!

They leave.
Kelly calls upstairs to Bud because she knows exactly what Janie meant... 

KELLY   BUD!

Bud comes strolling down the stairs in his robe, smoking a pipe. 
When he gets to the bottom of the stairs, he chokes and coughs. He recovers, raises his head
proudly and sits on the couch.

KELLY   [angrily] What did you do?

BUD     A gentlemen never tells. [beat] I HAD SEX! With a girl! And I did it good!

KELLY   Oh my God.

BUD     That's what she said. Twice.

KELLY   What, once you got undressed and again when you put on your bunny slippers?

BUD     Save your barbs for someone who's not getting any, like Mom. I feel good. Yep I do. Talk
        all you want. Nothing can bring me down.

KELLY   You just had sex with your Cousin Jimmy's bride!

Bud's smile fades.

BUD     Well, that did it.


SCENE TWO

The bedroom.

Al is lying on the bed and Peg is standing near her dressing table. 
She now wearing a leopard print dress.

PEGGY   God, I look great. [looking in the mirror] I am so glad I'm not one of those women who
        needs a lot of make-up.

Al studies her a moment.

AL      Oh please. Only Tammy Faye, Cza Cza and Bozo use more!

He rises and moves over to Peg.

PEGGY   Oh come on Al, admit it. I look great.

Al moves Peg out of the way so he can look in the mirror. Peg stands behind him. 

AL      Hey, I'd look great too if I used make-up. I'd be one dynamite looking babe. In a
        masculine way. I could highlight my eyes, they're my best quality. Baby blue. Like
        Sinatra, Newman, the sea. Oh, that may be my second best quality, 'cause I'm known for 
        my killer butt.

Al flexes his butt in the mirror.

PEGGY   Oh yeah, it's very nice, honey. And has more hair on it than your head.

AL      That's 'cause my butt doesn't wake up in the morning looking at you.

PEGGY   That's not your butt?

She laughs and Al cringes.

PEGGY   [straightening Al's collar] Oh god, we have so much fun together. Especially when we're
        belittling you. [she laughs and shoves Al out of the way to look in the mirror again] But
        I really do. I think I look as good as I did the day we got married.

AL      Well, that's your opinion, you take the calls.

Peg turns to Al.

PEGGY   Now, come on, Grumpy. You know you love me. Go on, say it.

AL      I don't want to.

PEGGY   Come on, Al.

AL      I love beer. I love bowling. I don't wanna cheapen the meaning of the word.

PEGGY   All right then, don't say it. Just kiss me. And make it a good one.

AL      Well - I'd almost kinda rather say it. [off Peggy's look] Oh, all right.

Al embraces her and they kiss. 
Peggy then raises her hands to her lips.

PEGGY   Oh Al, now you've ruined my make-up. Oh, I'll have to start all over. I'd never thought
        you'd really kiss me. God, what an idiot!

Peggy goes into the bathroom. Al can't believe what just transpired. 

AL      [stuttering] Oh, Peg - Ah!

He stammers, then slumps to the bed, grabbing his tie like a noose around his neck.


SCENE THREE

The living room.
Bud is pacing, agitated. He sighs.

BUD     I can't go to the wedding. I must never see Janie again. Although the poor girl might
        kill herself if she find out she can never touch this again. [gestures to his body] I know
        I would if I couldn't touch me again. [runs his hand over one of his pecs] Oh God. [feels
        his bicep] Oh God!
 
Janie enters wearing her wedding dress.

JANIE   Boy, that really is safe sex. Bud, there's something I have to tell you. I think what we
        did might have been wrong, you know, the wedding and all. Look, I made a mistake. I don't
        know how I could've done this.

BUD     Don't blame yourself. Blame god for giving me this body. 

Bud rips open his robe to expose his chest, blinding Janie. 

JANIE   No, it was my fault. I wanted a final fling with somebody I could never be interested in
        or attracted to, and you were perfect.

BUD     Thanks, baby. Knew it was perfect. But you're right. We can never do this again. For
        Jimmy's sake.

JANIE   And ours. Since we both know he was a psychopathic ex-con.

JANIE   [together] I mean, ten years up the river...
BUD     [together] Oh, that's right, he killed once, I heard he did a drive-by...

JANIE   Well, I gotta go now.

BUD     Good luck.

They shake hands.


SCENE FOUR

The bedroom. 
Al is asleep without his shirt or jacket on. He is cuddling a pillow. He smiles. He is dreaming
again.

AL      I knew you'd come back. They always come back. But they don't always bring their sisters. 

Al grabs another pillow and cuddles that too. 
Peggy comes out of the bathroom.

PEGGY   Al?

Al wakes up and realises where he is.

AL      Oh-ohh, you again.

PEGGY   Come on, honey, let's go. And they say women are the slow ones. You know, this is an
        historical first. We are actually in the bedroom and we're waiting for you to finish.

AL      Peg, if I need the time, I will take the time, because I care about what I look like.

Al puts on his shirt, jacket and tie [grouped as one] at the same time. 
He scratches his forehead but does not tidy his hair.

AL      I'm ready.

PEGGY   [half-heartedly straightening his tie] Honey, do you ever think about what it would be
        like if we never got married?

AL      Actually, I was thinking about that right now, Peg.

PEGGY   Seriously, Al.

AL      Seriously, Peg!

PEGGY   Oh, come on. Your life would be hell without me and you know it. You couldn't find anyone
        better than me. Come on, admit it. I'm your perfect mate, admit it.

AL      No.

PEGGY   All right then, why don't you give me a picture of what your ideal mate would be?

AL      Fine. A magnificent young girl, with a beautiful face, slim thighs, and a firm apple of a
        hiney... and a set of delicious scrumptious hooters.

They smile at each other.

PEGGY   Oh, Al, it's me! [they do their hand flapping thing] Oh honey, you would marry me again.

She walks out of the bedroom.

AL      [to himself] No.


SCENE FIVE [same scene continued]

The hallway.
Peggy and Al enter from their bedroom and start to head downstairs, but halt when Bud and Janie,
arm in arm, round the corner.

BUD     Hi Mom, hi Dad.

Bud and Janie stop in front of Bud's bedroom and start kissing passionately. 
Al and Peggy observe them for a moment.

PEGGY   What a beautiful bride.

Bud and Janie enter Bud's room, still kissing, shutting the door behind them.

AL      Looks like we'll have a little time before the wedding.

PEGGY   Good. I didn't like this dress anyhow.

Peggy goes back into the bedroom to change again. 
Al cringes and throws his hand on the doorframe in despair.


THE END


---
EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
 WRITTEN BY: ARTHUR SILVER
 CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

CO-PRODUCER: STACIE LIPP
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: KATHERINE GREEN
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RICHARD GURMAN
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KEVIN CURRAN
CO-EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: ELLEN L. FOGLE
CO-EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: ARTHUR SILVER
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A. & STEVEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS & MUSIC BY SAMMY CAHN & JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISOR/COMPOSER: MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARMID
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY & STEPHANIE SCOTT
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
CAMERAS: MIKE CULP, MARK LaCAMERA, BETTINA MYLENEK & DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: GABRIELLE TOPPING, FRAN KAUFER, MARY E. STEWART, ROCHELLE E. STATEN,
                  DON BECK, GARRY BOWREN, HELEN PAI, BERT L. COOK & CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: PATTY BUNCH
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
ELP COMMUNICATIONS 
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
A COLUMBIA PICTURES PRODUCTION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company