Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill.................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse..............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino.............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley...............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog...............Buck

Guest Cast:

Dan Castellaneta...........Funeral Director
James R. Sweeney...........Priest
Emilio Borelli.............Man
Laurel Lockhart............Lorraine
Robert Ackerman............Harry
Bill Applebaum.............Voice of Newscaster



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Bud, Al and Kelly are watching a western on TV. Al has made imaginary guns
 with both his hands and is "shooting" away happily. Bud and Kelly look glum
 and bored.

AL     Ho ho ho! Isn't this great? Ah, look at The Duke. One of his finest
       films: "I Shoot 'Em 'Cause They're Injuns". [to Kelly] As a woman 
       viewer, what's your opinion, Pumpkin?

KELLY  Daddy, I would rather be reading. Does that tell you anything?

AL     It tells me you're a girl, which means your opinion means less to me
       than the dog's. [to Bud] Bud, what do you think?

BUD    Well, Dad, I'm thinking this Duke guy walks a lot like you when you
       have to go to the bathroom.

AL     I copied that walk! 'Cause I figured the reason he does it like that
       was that no one in these movies ever goes to the bathroom. That's what
       the folks in show biz called subtext. You know, I wonder what kind of
       toilet paper they used to use in the Old West.

KELLY  [to Bud] Thank you for getting him started on this.

 Peg comes in and gives the TV a look.

PEG    Oh my God. It's The Duke. Now he's gonna start wondering where they went
       to the bathroom.

AL     And who invented the toilet bowl. I'll tell you, it'd make a better
       movie than that damn Columbus. I mean, after all, America was already
       here; it takes some thought to think up a toilet bowl.

BUD    Dad, does this Duke guy still make movies?

AL     [sadly] No, Duke is dead.

 Bud and Kelly let out a sigh of relief. Kelly points at the TV screen.

KELLY  What about that guy, Daddy? Does he still make movies?

AL     Hehe, Blackie Rabinovitz, king of the bad guys. Alas, he's dead too.

BUD    What about the white guy playing the Indian?

 Bud points at the TV screen.

AL     He's dead.

KELLY  What about the white guy playing the black guy?

AL     Dead.

 Bud points.

BUD    And him?

AL     Dead.

BUD    And him?
  
 Bud points again.

AL     Dead. They're all dead. Everyone in every movie I like is dead. Only me
       and Charlton Heston are still alive.

 A mule is heard bleating on TV.

AL     Wait! It's Fuzzy! See the way his hat's turned sideways? That's how you
       know he's a sidekick.

 Al laughs joyfully.

AL     Look at it, Fuzzy's riding his mule Dadgummit backwards. [chuckles]
       Fuzzy McGee, the greatest of the sidekicks. Now look, he's gonna chew
       then spit.

 On the TV, we hear Fuzzy McGee spit, and then we hear his mule bleat.

AL     He's hit that mule on the foot. Now watch, now watch, he's gonna go
       "Woah!"

 We hear Fuzzy McGee go "wooooah" on TV. Al laughs.

AL     Fuzzy McGee! He's still alive. Matter of fact, he's still working. He
       just made a commercial just the other day. You know, that one for adult
       diapers, "Soak 'Ems". You remember - "when you just can't quite say
       'woooooah' anymore." [chuckles] Oh, Fuzzy McGee. He'll outlive us all.

TV     We interrupt "Western Geezer Theater" for a special announcement.
       Chicago's beloved Fuzzy McGee, better known to our younger viewers as
       Sheriff "Soak 'Ems", died today. [Kelly and Bud high-five behind Al]
       Fuzzy is survived by his trusted mule Dadgummit.

 Al gets up and goes to sit at the kitchen table, next to Peg.

AL     I can't believe it. Everybody's dead. Makes you think about things, Peg.
       Life and death... where we're headed, what's it all mean... why when a
       woman's shoe size is 9, her sock size is 10-13? It just doesn't make
       any sense. I think that's the one that bothers me the most.

PEG    Don't worry, honey. You know, men have confusing sizes too. I mean,
       look how big your thumbs are, and yet, uh... hmmm...

 Al looks irritated.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 At the graveyard. We see a close-up of a tombstone that says "Fuzzy McGee,
 1902-1992". The camera zooms out a bit to show the priest who is standing
 behind the tombstone.

PRIEST Fuzzy McGee. Fuzzy was married three times, he had 10 children and 22
       grandchildren. Not to mention millions of fans all around the world.
       Never was a man so beloved. Well, I guess we're all here...

 The camera zooms out and we see that only Al and the mule Dadgummit are
 attending the funeral. Al wipes his eye with a tissue, and then wipes the
 mule's eye.

PRIEST Anyhow, he died. So will you, so will I. I'm depressed. I'm going home.

 The priest leaves. Al walks over to the grave.

AL     Well, boy, I guess you and me are the only one who cares.

 The mule leaves. Al spits at it and the mule bleats. Al chuckles.
 
AL     Well, I guess it is up to I to speak at Fuzzy's last roundup. Fuzzy
       McGee. There was a man. And a great sidekick. Where are today's sidekicks? 
       Oh, the potential of a young Rick Moranis, or Steve Guttenberg or Martin
       Short. Oh, the goofy, limping, word-mispronouncing sidekicks they could
       be. But instead they wanna be stars. Well, good luck. Short couldn't
       even hold his own in "Three Amigos". But Fuzzy knew his place. He was a
       sidekick. He was a wuzzy wuzzy sidekick, was he? He really was. Well,
       Fuzz-man, this one's for you.

 Al starts singing.

AL     [singing] Happy trails to you, until we meet again. Happy trails to you...

 An Italian family walks over to Al. One of them addresses Al.

MAN    Excuse me, sir, my grandfather died. He loved "O Sole Mio". Two
       dollars, you sing to him?

AL     [singing] O sole mio, o so -

 Al stops singing.

AL     We're talking about cash, right?

MAN    Si.

AL     [singing] O sole mio.

 Al starts walking away with the Italian family.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Peg is at the kitchen, fixing a drink. She takes a milk carton out of the
 refrigerator, sniffs it, makes a disgusted sound and puts it back in the
 refrigerator. Al comes in.

AL     Peg! Good news.

PEG    They've raised minimum wage for the bald?

 Al walks over to the refrigerator.
 
AL     You don't deserve it, but I'll tell you in a second. I've been singing
       all day, my throat is parched.

 Al takes the milk carton out of the refrigerator and drinks from it. Peg turns
 away in disgust. Al offers her the milk carton but she declines.

AL     Does the body good. Mmm, mmm, got some milk stuck in my teeth.

 Al wipes his mouth on the back of his hand.

AL     Peg, I need to talk to you. After watching that movie the other night,
       it made me think about where I wanna spend my final resting place. So I
       went right out today and I bought a plot. I couldn't wait, 'cause I've
       decided that I want to spend eternity next to someone that I really
       really love.

PEG    Oh, Al.

AL     So I decided to be buried next to old Fuzzy.

 Peg laughs bashfully. Al looks baffled.

PEG    Oh, honey!

AL     And the mule!

 Peg laughs harder.

PEG    Oh sweetheart. You know, honey, they really don't need their own plot.
       Very sweet of you to think of 'em, though.

AL     The hell are you talking about? I'm gonna be buried next to Fuzzy McGee
       and Dadgummit the mule.

PEG    Well, what about me? Ah, come on, Al, let me be dead with you. You know,
       we never do anything together anymore.

 Al and Peg sit on the couch.

PEG    If this is the way you re-pay my love, when you die I'm gonna bury you
       in a dress. With white hose that make your legs look thick.

 Marcy and Jefferson come in.

MARCY  Hi.

JEFF   Hi.

MARCY  We were just wondering: do you know where Seven is?

PEG    [indifferently] No.

MARCY  Well, let me put your mind at rest. He's been living with us for the
       last three days. He walked in and wouldn't leave.

JEFF   He's improving slowly. He still can't read, write or use a knife and
       fork, but he has learned how to chant "Kill the Bundys" with the other
       neighbors.

MARCY  If you don't mind, we were thinking of renaming him Henry, after my
       father.

PEG    Sure, that's okay. Whatever.
AL     What do we care? Do what you want.

MARCY  What we want is for you to come and get him. He's irritating. He calls
       us "dad" and "little dad".

PEG    Marcy, we don't have time for this now. We're in the middle of an
       argument. Al doesn't wanna be buried next to me. Isn't that the most
       ridiculous thing you've ever heard?

MARCY  Well, frankly, yes. I think when two people take the marriage vows, it's
       sacred. That's why I'm going to be buried next to my husband Steve.

JEFF   Uh, my name is Jefferson, and I'm your husband now. And oh, by the way,
       we are not in bed so there's no excuse for calling me "Steve". He is
       your EX-husband.

MARCY  Oh, don't take it personally. Every woman screams out "Steve" during
       sex, don't they, Peggy?

PEG    Not me. It's too long a name.

MARCY  [to Jefferson] Oh, now, don't pout. You've got all this now, you're
       already in heaven.

 Al shivers.

AL     Ew, God.

MARCY  Why worry about later?

JEFF   Oh, so I'm just the one whose sharing a bed with you in these, your
       declining years? Marcy, I want you to take care of me when I'm dead.
       I want my hair done by my own hairdresser, not the guy down at the
       mortuary. You know, the guy who does Al's hair. I'm warning you, Marcy:
       I'm not gonna soap up and dance for you until this is provided for.

MARCY  You have to tonight. My mother's coming!

JEFF   Marcy, I made that video tape for her so she wouldn't have to come over.
       Oh, I'm telling you, I think I feel a headache coming on.

MARCY  Oh, all right. You know I can't say "no" to you.

 Marcy and Jefferson kiss.

MARCY  Oh Steve.

JEFF   "Steve"?

 Jefferson takes Marcy by the hand and leads her towards the door.

JEFF   All right. We are going home, and I am gonna rock the Steve out of you,
       baby.

 Jefferson leaves.

MARCY  [smiling] It always works.

 Marcy leaves and closes the door.

PEG    Why don't you ever rock me, Al?

AL     'Cause I'd rather stone you. You know, Peg, I've been thinking. I've got
       one pair of clean underwear from that three-pack you bought me in the
       spring of '79. I'd like to be buried in that.

PEG    Fine. Impress Fuzzy with the underwear that I bought you for our 13th
       anniversary. You know, you male corpses are all alike. Never a thought
       for the women who spent her life getting you into that grave. You have
       no idea what it's like out there. A dead woman, alone. No man is
       interested in a dead woman. And if he is, he wants a dead young woman.
       Boy, my life is over. I'm gonna be a dead woman with children. Oh my
       God. Who will wanna marry a dead woman with children?

AL     Well, maybe Mickey Rooney.

PEG    By the time I'm dead, I'll be lucky if it's Andy Rooney. I'm not
       kidding, Al. I wanna be buried with you.

 Al shakes his head.

PEG    I feel a whine coming on.

AL     Oh God, no.

PEG    Yep. Yep. I feel it coming.

AL     Peg, don't.

PEG    [whining] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal! Aaaaaaaaaaaal! I don't wanna be alone!
       You don't love me!!!

AL     All right, Peg. You've already ruined my whole life. May as well ruin my
       death.

PEG    Oh, Al!

 Peg chuckles.

AL     [glumly] "Oh, Al" indeed.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 At the funeral house. 
 The funeral director is showing some caskets to a couple named Harry and 
 Lorraine.

DRCTR  Here's a fine casket.

HARRY  Very nice.

DRCTR  And this one is top of the line. Solid bronze, with a comfy velvet
       lining.

 The funeral director opens the casket and we see Al lying inside.

LORR   Oh my God, there's a dead man in it. Harry, he looks like somebody dug
       him up.

 Al sits up.

AL     How long was I out?

 Harry and Lorraine run away, screaming. On their way out they pass by Peg, 
 Kelly and Bud, who are standing nearby.

PEG    Gee, they must've smelled your father's socks.

BUD    Mom, if I may be so bold: set aside the funds you were gonna spend
       today, and trust us to handle the details when the dark day comes.

KELLY  [to Bud] I thought you said that we were just gonna throw them on a
       grill and flush their ashes down the toilet. Have you changed your
       mind? What, are you getting soft?

 Peg looks at Bud and Kelly and laughs. They laugh too.

PEG    [laughing] You two scamps certainly have a fine sense of humor.

 Peg hurries over to Al. 

PEG    [to Al] Honey, we have to buy, and we have to buy today.

 She turns around and waves to Bud and Kelly, laughing. They laugh and wave
 back, but start scowling as soon as she turns her back to them.

PEG    So, you like this one?

AL     Yes I do.

PEG    Well, I don't. I'd like to see something else. We need a little more
       room up top. You know, for my hair.

DRCTR  Oh yes. Well, with a little customizing we can give you a bubble top,
       designed to bring big hair safely into eternity.

PEG    Gee Al, I have a bubble top.

AL     Hehe, and you will, as long as they make strong bras.

 Peg laughs.

PEG    You love The Guys.

AL     I do!

 Al and Peg play around with their hands.

DRCTR  I must say, you two are planning your funeral a bit early. You must
       have some terminal disease.

 The funeral director laughs wickedly, while stroking the coffin.

AL     Yes. Marriage.

DRCTR  Ah, yes. We get quite a few of those. Most people feel that marriage
       eases the transition to death. If you'll excuse me, I see some customers.

 The funeral director walks over to Bud and Kelly.

KELLY  [to Bud] So we are gonna burn them to a crisp?

BUD    Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you.

DRCTR  Say, you kids dying?

KELLY  No, virgins are just pale.

BUD    Thus the healthy hue on her face.

DRCTR  So, you're brother and sister. Well, it's never too early to plan your
       funeral. With the world being what it is today, let's face it: you kids 
       don't stand a chance. Can't say that I'm not pleased about it, though. 
       [chuckles] A lot of young people are planning their funeral nowadays.
       It's the "hep" thing to do. In the funeral business we say: "Can you dig
       it?"

 The funeral director laughs.

KELLY  Sir, you are one cool ghoul.

DRCTR  Yes indeedy, oh so. Let's talk coffins, shall we? Ah. This one just
       screams you, young fella.

 The funeral director leads Bud and Kelly to a coffin with a turtle-shell top.

DRCTR  This is our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle coffin. I understand Michael
       Jackson got one for Macaulay. Ssh, it's a surprise.

KELLY  Oh, my brother doesn't need a coffin. You can just put him into a Trix
       box.

BUD    [to the funeral director] She only says that 'cause I do it like a
       bunny.

PEG    Kids, don't you think that Daddy should wear his wedding ring when he's
       dead?

AL     I married you 'til death do us part. Which means when I'm dead, I'm free
       to date.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Al, Peg and the funeral director are standing in the graveyard, next to Al's
 reserved plot.

PEG    This is it? This is your final resting place? Well there's no spot for
       me!

AL     That's why it's called a resting place.

PEG    Well, it sucks. I wanna be buried above ground. I don't like all these
       insects bothering me. They always bite me. It's 'cause I'm so sweet.

AL     [to the funeral director] Maybe it's because of the 200 bonbons she puts
       away every week.

PEG    I want another spot.

AL     Well, fine, Peg, get yourself another spot. But I have my spot. I'm
       going to be buried next to the Fuzzball.

DRCTR  You'd better let me know if you don't want it, because Fuzzy McGee was
       considered a genius in France. I believe they called him "Le Grande
       Fuzz". And when news of his passing hits Paris, this place will be 
       swarming with a lot ruder people than you two.

AL     I was smart to buy when I did.

PEG    Would you tuck that big hair back into your nose?

 Al grabs his nose. Peg pushes past him and walks over to the funeral director.

PEG    [to the funeral director] Now do you see why I ordered a bubble top for
       him too? By the way, I have heard that your nose hairs continue to grow
       after death, so could you bury him face up? That way, the nose hairs
       can sort of break through and it'll be like we have our own tree.

AL     And it'll be free.

 Al laughs.

PEG    Anyway, I wanna be buried next to Al, so this is what we're gonna do.
       We're just gonna move Fuzzy over. Who's got that one next to him?

DRCTR  That's reserved for his beloved mule.

PEG    Well, certainly we can move the mule. We'll just chop him up, and bury
       him in some crummy cans of dog food. That way, everybody's a winner.
       Then, we dig up the Fuzzter, put him into the mule-hole, and I will go
       here.

 Peg pats Fuzzy's tombstone.

PEG    Then Al and I can be together forever.

AL     Hasn't it already been forever?

PEG    Honey, just pretend we're in bed and let me take care of everything.
       [to the funeral director] How much for everything?

DRCTR  All right, let's see.

 The funeral director takes out a calculator and starts typing.

DRCTR  That's bubble tops, digging up dead man, ignoring deceased's last wish,
       grinding of mule into pulp... tax plus tip... let's say: 27,000 dollars.

AL     [chuckling] Well, we might have to cut out a few frills. How much is it
       if it's just for the two plots and you toss us in?

DRCTR  That depends. Are we doing the digging or are you?

AL     Well, I figured the wife would.

DRCTR  Let's cut to the bottom of the grave, Sir: what do you have to spend?

AL     A hundred dollars.

DRCTR  You looky-loos. It's people like you that take the joy out of death.

 The funeral director turns around and notices some other customers.

DRCTR  [to the people offscreen] Oh, say! You folks look real sick. And your 
       daughter looks like she'd be mighty greatful to save a buck. If you know 
       what I mean...

 The funeral director walks away.

AL     Peg, it's a shame. We don't have enough money to bury you. But I'm gonna
       be dead alone. Oh man, I can't wait!

PEG    Well, what about me?

AL     Well, Peg, I don't care about you. You work it out for yourself. Bury
       yourself wherever you want. I'm not moving.

 Al lies down on his plot. He rolls sideways to face Fuzzy McGee's grave.

AL     Well, Fuzzy, just me and you now. Thank God. She'd have driven you
       crazy. And by the way, in case you overheard, I never would've let her
       move Dadgummit. I love that damn mule. Hey, by the way, we might be
       getting a tree! Oh, man, the time we're gonna have. I'll tell you about
       all my high school football stories, and you can tell me where they used
       to go to the bathroom in the old west. My guess is it's by the horse, so
       you could blame him.

 Peg returns with the funeral director.

PEG    Okay, Al. We took care of everything. And it's only going to cost you
       a hundred dollars.

AL     It doesn't involve moving me?

PEG    Nope, you can stay right where you are, next to Fuzzy.

AL     Fine, then I don't care.

 Peg lies down on top of Al, so they're face-to-face.

AL     What are you doing, Peg?

PEG    Well, I'm just showing you where I'm gonna be. We're gonna share a
       grave. They're gonna stack us. Isn't that great? And whoever dies first
       is on the bottom.

AL     That'll be me!

PEG    I know!

 The camera zooms onto the sign: "Reserved For A. Bundy".



 THE END