TRANSCRIPT:

0608 (113)

GOD’S SHOES

 
Regular Cast:
 
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Marcy D’Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Jefferson D’Arcy...........Ted McGinley
 
 
Guest Cast:
 
Scary Mary.................June Foray
Dr Blue....................Larry Jacobson
Bob........................Brad Parker
Lola.......................Megan O’Hara
Sidney Rimhollow...........Tim Kazurinsky
 
 
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
 
The Bundy Living room.
Kelly is sitting on the couch watching T.V.
Bud rushes in.
 
BUD: [excitedly] Dad’s coming, Dad’s coming.
 
Kelly laughs.
 
BUD: Don’t giggle, you’ll give it away. [he walks over to the couch and sits] He’s not
 supposed to know Mom commissioned a painting of herself for $2500.
 
Kelly laughs louder.
 
BUD: Really, don’t.
 
Bud and Kelly both laugh hysterically.
 
BUD: Ok, ok. Did you leave the price tag on?
 
Kelly nods.
 
BUD: No really, really, don’t. This could kill him you know.
 
They both laugh.
 
KELLY: Wait Bud, don’t we have a loyalty to the man?
 
They both laugh again.
 
BUD: Shh! I think he’s coming. Keep a straight face.
 
They both stop laughing and sit quietly on the couch.
 
Al enters.
 
AL: Hi kids.
 
Bud and Kelly burst out laughing.
 
AL: What? WHAT??? [he checks the sole of his shoe]
 
KELLY: [still laughing] Nothin’. I guess we just love you so much.
 
AL: I’ve had a rotten day and I’m in a foul mood. A fat woman came in and said she was a
 size five. I shoved her hoof in a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe,
 she panicked reared up and galloped round the store dragging me on the floor behind
 her. Thank God a stick of butter popped outta her purse and I was able to grease my
 way outta there.
 
Al heads upstairs.
 
KELLY: [to Bud] You know we can’t do this to the man, we have to warn him. [to Al] Daddy.
 
Al stops on the stairs.
 
AL: What?
 
KELLY: Nothing.
 
Bud and Kelly laugh.
 
AL: By the way, is your Mom upstairs?
 
KELLY: No Dad.
 
AL: Good. Thank goodness I don’t have to look at her tonight.
 
The scene changes to Al and Peggy’s bedroom.
Al enters.
 
AL: Feet, women, women’s feet, women. Painting?
 
Al notices a large painting of Peggy hanging on the wall.
It still has its $2500 price tag attached.
 
The music from the Psycho shower scene plays as we cut from Al’s horrified face, then to the
painting, then to the price tag and back to Al’s face.
Al is so shocked he loses control of his limbs and staggers backwards towards the window.
 
The scene changes back to the Bundy living room with Bud and Kelly still on the couch.
 
BUD: I don’t understand, surely you think he’d be screaming by now.
 
KELLY: Well, maybe we don’t give Dad enough credit. I mean maybe he realises he’s being
 neglecting Mom lately and he’s probably pondering that now as he gazes fondly upon the
 face of his one true love.
 
Outside the patio doors we see Al fall head first into the ground.
 
AL: [falling] Oh no!
 
Bud and Kelly look around.
 
KELLY: Or maybe not.
 
 
SCENE TWO
 
The Bundy living room.
Al, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch. 
Al has an ice-pack on his head.
 
KELLY: How do you feel Daddy?
 
Al takes the ice-pack off his head.
 
AL: Like any man who’s just fell two stories and landed on his head, grateful not to be
 with your mother. How long was I out?
 
KELLY: Two hours.
 
AL: Why didn’t you call 911?
 
KELLY: I couldn’t remember the number.
 
AL: Well it doesn’t matter. You know what happened when I was unconscious?
 
BUD: Yeah! Kelly opened a Coors bottle with your teeth.
 
KELLY: Don’t listen to him Dad, it was only a soda. [she slaps Bud’s arm] You had some too.
 
BUD: Shut-up. Right in front of Dad.
 
KELLY: You started it.
 
AL: Oh please! It doesn’t matter what you did. It only matters that I actually saw God.
 
BUD: Ok. [to Kelly] Kel, he may not be able to sell shoes anymore but maybe we can get him
 a gig going cuckoo for Coco-pops.
 
AL: But I really did see him.
 
BUD: Look Dad, please don’t tell any one else about this, because no one is dumb enough to
 believe you. Actually...
 
KELLY: [cutting Bud off] What does God look like, Dad?
 
AL: I don’t know. I couldn’t take my eyes off his shoes.
 
BUD: You saw God’s shoes?
 
AL: They were perfect, kids. Close fitting, surrounding each toe individually, probably a
 soft worked kid leather.
 
KELLY: What did you say to God?
 
AL: I said, ‘Where’d you get those shoes?’.
 
BUD: You had one chance to talk to the eternal creator of time, space and the infinite
 universe and all you asked is where he got his shoes.
 
KELLY: Well did you tell him your football stories?
 
AL: It was God you idiot, he knows my football stories. Actually I asked him something
 very important. I said what socks he wore with those, you know what he said? ‘You
 don’t need them, they’re sewn in’.
 
KELLY: [with amazement] Zowie!
 
BUD: Must I be the meat in an imbecile sandwich?
 
Kelly slaps Bud on the arm.
 
KELLY: [to Bud] Bud, this is important. [to Al] Now Daddy, next time you speak to God ask him
 who’s really buying Dockers.
 
Bud looks at the tag on his jeans guiltily.

AL: Come on. God can’t be concerned with these trivialities, we’re talkin’ shoes here. [Al
 stands up] Kids, I now know what my mission in life is. God chose me to make the
 perfect shoes, God’s shoes. Kids, bring me pen and paper at once.
 
Bud and Kelly just sit and stare.
 
AL: Thank you. Take this down quickly. Thou shalt have shoes with toes stitched in, thou
 shall have socks attached to yon shoes and thou shall have a lot of other stuff that
 will come forthwith. [he starts to walk up stairs] So it’s I, I Al Bundy who shall
 shod the unwashed masses, I shalt not rest until every foot sings the praises of thine
 shoes. Halleluiah I say, Halleluiah. [he heads up stairs]
 
KELLY: I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of him.
 
BUD: Well God created both of you, think of the pride he’s feelin’.
 
 
SCENE THREE
 
The Bundy living room.
 
Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch.
Marcy is sitting on the back of the couch, Jefferson stands behind her.
 
MARCY: So, let us understand. Your father has locked himself in his room to build God’s
 shoes.
 
Bud and Kelly both nod.
 
MARCY: And Peggy?
 
BUD: Well sensing Dad’s delicate condition she took back the painting, kept the money and
 went to the Mardi Gras.
 
JEFF: He’s really been up there 40 days and 40 nights?
 
BUD: Actually 40 days and 39 nights. He took a break to watch ‘Planet of the D-cups’.
 
KELLY: He said God told him to.
 
BUD: Think he’ll be alright, Mrs D’Arcy?
 
MARCY: How much worse could he be?
 
Al appears at the top of the stairs. He is wearing a blue bath robe and a laurel wreath on his
head. In one hand he has a pair of extraordinary shoes that look like large gold feet with
leather sandals on, he holds up his other hand like a biblical prophet.
 
AL: Behold, I hold God’s shoes.
 
BUD: [to Kelly] But who holds Dad’s brain?
 
Al walks down the stairs.
 
AL: Yay! So it cometh to be that I laboured 40 days and 40 nights. Let the rains come,
 thou shalt have shoes.
 
MARCY: This should do wonders for my property values.
 
AL: Are thine worthy to gaze upon yon shoe?
 
MARCY: Oh brush your teeth. Nobody cares about your stupid shoes and nobody for a minute
 believes that...
 
JEFF: [bowing in front of Al and holding the shoes] Let me gaze upon the shoes. [he kisses
 the shoes]
 
Marcy rushes over to Jefferson and pulls him away by the ear.
 
MARCY: Surely you can not be serious!
 
Jefferson frees himself and stands up.
 
JEFF: Marcy, don’t you understand? Don’t you see the glory and the majesty of what I just
 saw? The perfect marketing hook, and I’m in on the ground floor. I can see the
 billboards now. ‘Al knows God and God knows shoes’. It’s a sales bonanza Marcy. How
 much money do we have? 
 
MARCY: Well, I have several thousand dollars, you have change for coffee.
 
Al opens the front door and starts to leave.
 
AL: [in the style of a prophet] I shall go forth to the people to reveal God’s shoes and
 multiply upon them.
 
Jefferson walks over to Al.
 
JEFF: Let me come with you Al and learn. How much are we gonna charge per pair?
 
AL: I will hear nothing of price. That’s your job, you’re the marketing guy.
 
JEFF: Right.
 
Al strikes a ‘prophet’ pose. Jefferson lifts up the tail of Al’s robe and they both walk out.
 
 
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
 
The Bundy living room.
Bud is in his ‘Grandmaster B’ guise and is talking on the phone.
 
BUD: [on phone] I was wondering if you would like to join me in the back seat of a moving
 vehicle for a ride so wild you gots to be twenty-one. [as Bud listens to the answer we
 see his smile fade] Eh, yes that was my father walking the freeway in his robe.
 [pause] Goodbye.
 
Bud hangs up the phone and takes his baseball cap off. He walks over to the couch to join
Kelly.
 
BUD: [to Kelly] Boy, they talk about an illiterate society, well it seems to me everyone
 reads the newspaper.
 
He sits next to Kelly.
 
KELLY: Well I don’t, and I still believe in Dad. Well not quite as much as I did with his
 failure to walk across Lake Michigan and spread the shoe to Canada. But he is going
 into production on these shoes, five thousand pairs. I wonder where he got the money?
 
Marcy enters.
 
MARCY: Did I leave my new Rolex over here?
 
Marcy walks over to Bud and Kelly and sits.
 
MARCY: God, I’m just so scatter-brained lately. I mean, first I misplace my watch and then I
 can’t seem to remember this $25,000 cheque made out to cash that I seem to have
 written in someone else’s handwriting. By the way, has anyone seen my soon to be late
 husband?
 
Jefferson enters carrying a shoe box.
 
JEFF: Well, who wants to touch the prototypes? [he holds up the shoes] We got thousands of
 these babies rollin’ off the assembly line now.
 
Marcy stands up and walks over to Jefferson.
 
MARCY: Hu! Jefferson, before I tell the baby why his father is buried in four or five
 separate graves. Can you tell me where every cent I have is?
 
JEFF: Advertising baby. [he and Marcy sit on the couch] We contacted all the big talk shows
 too about having Al on. He should be on any minute.
 
MARCY: Just what big-time talk show did you book him on to?
 
Jefferson picks up the remote and turns on the TV.
We cut to a view of the TV, it is showing the ‘Scary Mary’ show. Scary Mary is a low budget
horror show fronted by a cheap sock puppet dressed like a witch. The set has all the typical
horror show items, cobwebs, candles, skulls, etc.
 
S MARY: [cackles] He he he he. Welcome back to Scary Mary’s real scary mummy movie matinee.
 Now before we get back to our feature called “What’s that in the bathroom? ” we have a
 special treat for you kids. Our special guest is Al Bundy shoe salesman.
 
We pan back to see Al, still wearing his blue bathrobe and laurel wreath. He is holding a pair
of God’s shoes.
Scary Mary turns to stare at him.
 
The scene cuts to the Bundy living room.
Bud, Kelly, Jefferson and Marcy are watching the ‘Scary Mary’ show on TV.
 
KELLY: I’ve seen this show, it’s excellent.
 
MARCY: This is what you booked him on???
 
JEFF: Well every time I called Oprah it seemed to be lunchtime. We’re on our way baby, we’re
 on our way.
 
We cut back to the ‘Scary Mary’ show.
 
S MARY: Kids, Al here says that he was scared out of his bedroom window by a picture of his
 wife. [she cackles] He he he he. Al says he saw God after he hit the pavement. [Scary
 Mary stares at the camera] Then what happened Al?
 
AL: Well Scary Mary, I saw God’s shoes.
 
S MARY: Tell us all about it Al.
 
AL: Well Mary, believe it or not, people mock me for me having seen God’s shoes. They
 throw things, shoot pellets at me, set dogs at me, [to camera] and don’t think I don’t
 know some of you kids out there are the ones responsible for it I’ll get you I swear.
 [to Scary Mary] But I just persevere with my message.
 
S MARY: A-ha, well there you have it boys and girls. Al Bundy, you might wanna check under
 your beds for him tonight. And now back to our movie.
 
AL: Wait a second. I was told I could sell my shoes an this show, your producers
 promised me.
 
S MARY: [in puppeteers normal voice] Look buddy, what do you want from me? I’m just a hand in
 a crummy sock.
 
AL: Well you’ll be a sock full of Bundy knuckles if I don’t get to pedal my shoes here.
 I’m on a holy mission.
 
S MARY: [trembling] Hey stage hands, stage hands, help out Scary Mary here.
 
As the stage hands move for Al he stands up and talks directly to the camera.
 
AL: God’s shoes, they’re real comfortable, see the socks are already built in.
 
The stage hands start to grapple with Al as he desperately tries to get his message across.
 
AL: See they’re great. I wear them my self.
 
The stage hands pull Al back to his seat, Al grabs Scary Mary’s throat and she starts to
scream.
Across the bottom of the screen a message reads, “TO HELP SCARY MARY CALL 911”.
 
We cut back to the Bundy living room.
Bud, Kelly and Marcy are watching with disbelief, Jefferson is very enthusiastic.
 
JEFF: [to TV] Sell it baby, sell it. [to others] Next stop Ted Coppell, I bet Coppell gives
 him the whole half-hour.
 
MARCY: Well maybe fifteen minutes. The rest will be taken up by the headless-man-found-in
 -lake story.
 
JEFF: When did that happen?
 
MARCY: Soon, honey!
 
KELLY: [to TV] Point your staff at them, Dad. Turn them all into snakes.
 
BUD: That’s not a staff Kel, it’s a branch one of the neighborhood kids threw at him.
 
JEFF: What’s the difference. [he points at the TV] He’s still got the shoes pointed at the
 camera. Way to go buddy.
 
MARCY: Idiot. You sunk all of my money into this man’s vision.
 
JEFF: Hey, trust me just a little babe. This is just to get him to loosen up in front of the
 camera. I’m gonna plaster his face all over the tube.
 
 
SCENE TWO
 
The scene starts with a view of a TV, on screen is the title caption for the programme “PEOPLE
TO LAUGH AT”.
The scene cuts to the TV studio.
The presenter [Dr Blue] is sitting behind a desk, to his right are a young man [Bob], a blonde
babe [Lola] and Al. Al is still dressed in his blue bath robe and laurel wreath, he is holding
a pair of ‘God’s shoes’.
 
DrBLUE: Welcome to “People to laugh at”, I’m Dr. Jonathan Blue. Today’s panel is made up of
 people who have had head injuries and claim to have seen God, let’s start with Bob
 here.
 
BOB: Well I was eating in this restaurant and this waitress hits me in the head with a
 tray, and I saw God in my highsour soup. He told me “Don’t order the meatloaf”.
 
DrBLUE: Good Bob, [to Lola] Lola.
 
LOLA: I fell off this table I was dancing on, and there he was. I gave him change for a
 five.
 
DrBLUE: Thank you Lola. And now not just a man who saw God but a man who’s actually gone into
 business with him, Al Bundy.
 
AL: Ladies and gentlemen, I will demonstrate the power of the shoes. I shall release them
 so you may see them hover and fly about me. 
 
Al holds up the shoes and lets them go, they fall to the ground.
 
DrBLUE: That’s great Al. Let’s get to some callers shall we? [he presses the button for the
 first caller] Our first caller is Gerry, a trucker from Iowa. What would you like to
 ask of those who have been touched?
 
GERRY: I’d like to see the girlie dance.
 
Lola stands up and starts a sexy dance.
 
DrBLUE: Let’s go to our next caller.
 
Lola stops dancing and sits down.
 
DrBLUE: Derrick from Peoria. Derrick, do you have a question about an out-of-body experience?
 
DERR: Yeah, I got this ’85 Bonneville and the side mouldings just won’t stay on...
 
DrBLUE: [interrupting] Derrick that’s out-of-body experience not auto-body experience.
 
DERR: Oh! Well can I see the girlie dance?
 
Lola stands and starts her sexy dance. She dances over to Dr Blue’s desk, he hands some money
to Lola and she puts it down her cleavage.
 
AL: Er doc, I think we got another caller.
 
DrBLUE: Okay, okay.
 
He waves Lola away and she sits.
 
DrBLUE: Go ahead, caller.
 
The voice of the next caller sounds remarkably like Bud.
 
CALLER: Yeah, this is for the insane guy with the shoes.
 
AL: Yes.
 
CALLER: My name’s Bu... er... Bu... Yeah Bu. Listen did you ever once think what your insanity
 is doing to your family, especially your son? Put on your pants for heavens sake. Go
 to work ya bum.
 
AL: Bud? Bud is that you?
 
CALLER: I’m warning you Dad, I will not live like this. Don’t you understand it’s hard enough
 to get a date without...
 
AL: [interrupting] These people are morons. Let’s go to the next caller.
 
Dr Blue tries all the buttons on his phone, there are no more callers.
 
DrBLUE: No more calls? [he looks over at Lola] Okay baby, dance.
 
Lola stands and starts to dance.
Al picks up a pair of God’s shoes and throws them into the air but they refuse to fly.
 
 
SCENE THREE
 
The Bundy living room.
Bud, Kelly, Jefferson and Marcy are sitting on the couch having just watched Al’s performance
on TV.
 
JEFF: All in all, not bad.
 
Marcy gives him a look.
 
JEFF: Come on babe, I still think this God angle is gonna bring in the suckers.
 
MARCY: Oh please! The only thing biblical about this is the proportion of its failure.
 
KELLY: Ahem, ahem. If I may be so old as to interject here. I will grant you that God’s shoes
 is... somewhat, well... silly. But not any sillier than the pet rock, the mood ring,
 or of course NBC’s Sunday night line-up. [the others nod in agreement] Now the point
 here is why don’t we just give Dad a chance? It might just work.
 
The scene cuts to Al and Peggy’s bedroom.
Al and Kelly are sitting on the end of the bed, they are surrounded by boxes of God’s shoes.
 
AL: [rubbing his temples] Why didn’t it work?
 
KELLY: Because it was a stupid idea, Daddy. I mean, if you think about it God probably doesn’t
 even need shoes, he can afford good carpeting. And if he ever needed anything, like a
 Big Gulp or batteries or somethin’ I’m sure the 7-11s up in heaven don’t have that
 sign that says, “No shirt, no shoes. No service” . And even if they did, who’s gonna
 yank a slim-jim outta God’s mouth? Or is all this kinda goin’ over your head?
 
AL: No honey, no it’s not. It’s dancing around in there with some of your other
 ponderings. You know, like what would a chair look like if our knees where in the back
 of our legs?
 
KELLY: I made a teacher retire with that one.
 
They both laugh.
Al stands up and walks over to the window.
 
AL: Yeah. [looking out of the window] Oh well, at least there’s something.
 
Kelly stands up and walks over to join Al at the window.
 
KELLY: What, Daddy?
 
AL: They’re repossessing Marcy’s car.
 
KELLY: I didn’t know they had a hood ornament.
 
AL: Ha, no. That’s just what’s left of Jefferson. Well at least he’s out of his pain now.
 
KELLY: You know, I sense your getting down on your self Daddy and that’s wrong. I mean look
 on the bright side, most men with your string of failures would have long since tasted
 the cold, cruel blade of his own jinsu by now. But not you Daddy, you keep on trying
 and that’s what makes you Daddy Daddy. And as long as you don’t tell any of my
 friends, I love you.
 
AL: Well thank you, Pumpkin. That makes ol’ Dad feel a lot better.
 
Al leans out of the window.
 
KELLY: Thata-Daddy.
 
Kelly slaps Al on the back and he tumbles out of the window.
 
The scene changes to the Bundy living room.
Bud is sitting on the couch reading Playboy. In the background we see Al fall head first past
the patio windows.
 
The scene changes back to Al’s bedroom, with Kelly at the window.
 
KELLY: See that’s what I was talkin’ about. Most men wouldn’t bother to flap their arms but
 you keep trying... Daddy?
 
 
SCENE FOUR
 
The scene is the afterlife with the spirit of Al moving through clouds.
Al looks about with wonderment, through the cloud he sees a pair of God’s shoes.
 
Al: You again!
 
As the camera pulls back we see a man [Sidney] lying on the cloud. He is wearing God’s shoes,
White robes and a pair of very nerdy glasses.
 
AL: You’re God?
 
SID: No. I’m Sidney Rimhollow. [he sits up] I was a shoe salesman outside Tulsa. I got the
 idea for these shoes back in 1925, didn’t sell a one. But luckily I had a loving wife
 and two children who hired a hit-man to kill me.
 
AL: Why didn’t you tell me the shoes were no good?
 
SID: Well you thought I was God, so I went along with it.
 
AL: Well you’re not gonna get a way with it, ‘cos I’m tellin’ God. Where is he?
 
SID: No, no, no, no. He can’t be disturbed, he’s watching Knots Landing.
 
AL: I always wondered why that show was never cancelled.
 
Al sits next to Sid.
 
AL: Well where’s my cloud, my harp, and my virgin.
 
SID: Sorry Al, you’re not dead yet.
 
AL: [disappointed] Aww!
 
SID: But this time we’re not sending you back empty handed. Listen...
 
Sidney leans over to whisper in Al’s ear.
 
The scene fades to the Bundy living room.
Al, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch, Al has an ice-pack on his head.
 
AL: ...so you see kids there’s really no reason to worry about me any more. [he takes the
 ice-pack off his head] I have divine guidance now. Sid and I put our heads together
 and came up with a now idea, ‘Shoe Horn O' Plenty’. See kids it’s a combination shoe
 store and burger joint, while you eat you try on shoes. Oh! By the way, did I say the
 burgers coming down the chute will be shaped like a shoe-horn?
 
BUD: No Dad, you didn’t.
 
AL: Oh well. I can’t take credit for that idea, that was John Wayne. You know what our
 motto will be? “If you’re not shod the meal’s on God”. I guess that will put to rest
 the rumors of my insanity.
 
Al starts laughing insanely.
Bud and Kelly hold their heads in their hands.
 
AL: [insanely] He, he, he, he, he, he, he.
 
 
THE END
 
 
Transcribed By Ephraim McBundy

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