Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck.....................Buck the Dog


Guest Cast

Bobbie Phillips..........Jill
Frank Lloyd..............Norris
Sharyn Leavitt...........Harriett
Catherine Rusoff.........Betsy
Ellerine!................Nelvia
Gita Isak................Melba
Rick Scarry..............Melvin
Jeff Michalski...........Harry
Anthony S. Johnson.......Herb
Bill Cho Lee.............Sony



ACT ONE 

SCENE ONE

 Al, Peg and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table. Peg taps a glass with a spoon. 

PEGGY   Okay everybody. It's time for the Weekly Bundy Baby Progress Report.

 Al and Kelly put their heads down on the table in despair.

PEGGY   Well, I can sense your excitement, so even though one of us is missing, I think we
        should still begin. Uh, let's start with the reading of the minutes from our last
        meeting. Kelly?

 Kelly, sighing, stands up and reads from her notepad.

KELLY   At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings. It was
        seconded by Bud, my brother, and Dad, my daddy. We stared dully at Mom and then were
        forced into a chorus of "We Love The Baby." Then Mom left to pee, and Dad suggested 
        that we play a lethal round of "How Fat Is She?" [Al lifts his head, worried, and Peg
        glares at him] Dad guessed 415lbs. We all laughed, and Dad said "Don't write this down,
        Pumpkin." That concludes my report.

 She sits.

PEGGY   Let the record show your father is a weenie. [Kelly notes this] And now can we have a
        report from the treasury?

 Al stands, reaches into his pockets and pulls out the emptiness from within, then sits and puts
 his head on his folded arms again.

PEGGY   Let the record show your father has nothing in his pants.

 As Kelly notes this, Al looks up at Peg, who smiles smugly at him.
 Bud enters, walks towards the stairs, only to look up to see the other Bundys at the table and
 he stops in his tracks.

BUD     Oh my God, baby meeting!

 He tries to sneak back out the door, but Peg stops him.

PEGGY   [standing] Get back here, young man!

KELLY   Yeah, pay your respect to the feotus just like the rest of us.

 Bud reluctantly walks over to Peg and leans down to talk to her stomach.

BUD     Oh most glorious inhabitant of the womb, please accept the blessing of this unworthy
        one. I love you more than I love myself. Hail baby.

 Peg puts a hand on her belly.

PEGGY   The baby is pleased. You may sit.

 Peggy sits back down.

BUD     Listen, I have great news. As the only intelligent living male Bundy [Peg and Kelly nod
        their agreement] I am proud to announce that I have gotten a scholarship and am going to
        junior college.

PEGGY   And uh, just how does that pertain to the baby?

BUD     Thank you. So I decided to start college across town instead of in this neighborhood,
        where I seem to have been accused of being a total social failure.

KELLY   Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, Bud. I mean, I'm sure lots of cool guys spend their
        Friday nights watching Star Trek reruns hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage.

BUD     Let the record show that I was wetting the screen with my tongue to clean it. To 
        continue, chicks love new blood, so I'm assuming a whole new identity. As of now my 
        story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York. Goodbye Bud Bundy,
        hello Grandmaster B.

KELLY   What does the B stand for?

BUD     "Brother of an idiot."

 Kelly nods.

BUD     Anyhow, if anyone asks, my parents sent me out here to clean up my act because I either
        killed a guy or spray-painted a tree or a bum or something.

PEGGY   Uh, excuse me, but isn't that the plot for "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"?

BUD     Well, that's an NBC show, so who would know that? [Peggy nods] So, if anyone asks, I'm
        not related to any of you. And I'm coolly dangerous. [the others stare at him] I am not
        going to be dateless this year!

PEGGY   Now, if you're finished, Bud...

BUD     [cutting her off] Uh, "B".

 Bud takes a pair of sunglasses and a black baseball cap out of his pocket and puts them on. 
 Then he crosses his arms like a street rapper.

PEGGY   And just yesterday he was in diapers.

KELLY   Literally.

BUD     I killed a man in New York, you know.

KELLY   Oh, forgive me, Ghostbuster B.

BUD     It's Grandmaster B.

PEGGY   Of course, honey. Now let's get back to the baby meeting. Given the fact - and I'd like
        this to go on record - that your father earns nothing, it seems that we are going to be 
        a little pressed for room when the blessed event comes.

KELLY   Hail baby.
BUD     Hail baby.

PEGGY   Who is loved more than all babies that came before him! Now, since we have limited space,
        I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me. We'll just put a crib
        at the foot of the bed.

 Al stands.

AL      I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I
        would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I 
        would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little
        screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.

 He sits down, then stands up again.

AL      Hail baby.

PEGGY   Alright then, let's have a vote. All those in favor of the baby sharing a room with
        Mommy and Daddy?

 Peg, Bud and Kelly raise their hands.

PEGGY   Opposed?

 Al raises both hands.

AL      I must use my veto power.

PEGGY   Motion is carried.

AL      Veto. Veto, I say!

PEGGY   Alright everybody, I'll see you at the next baby meeting. But for now, Mommy must use 
        the bathroom. [she heads towards the stairs] Al, if you would be so kind?

 Al gets up and walks over to Peg.

AL      I'm warning you, Peg. You will not make a mockery of my veto power! I am the man of the
        house and my will is law!

 Peg turns around, choosing to ignore him. Al obliges and puts his hands on Peg's hips and helps
 her up the steps.

AL      For the record, she's now up to 500lbs.


SCENE TWO

 The Bundy living room.
 Bud, as Grandmaster B, enters closely followed by Jill, a hot babe.

BUD     This is my temporary crib, babe. Thanks for carrying my books.

JILL    Anything to help keep your gun hand free, Mixmaster B.

BUD     That's Grandmaster B. And I don't carry a gun anymore, because I have a new life
        here in Bel Air, I mean, Chicago. Have I shown you my scar?

 They sit on the couch.

JILL    You scare and excite me when you talk like that. 

BUD     Take me.

 Jill leans in to kiss him, but stops.

JILL    First, do it for me, B. Give me your rap.

BUD     Hmmm, alright.

 Bud coolly gets up, grabs the phone receiver to use it as a microphone and start making a
 hand-to-mouth rhythm beat, then performs his rap.

BUD     He came from the streets where everyone's meet
        Guns in the night but you wonder where she
        Can't love no one 'cause he's one the run.
        Sleeps in the alleys, wakes by the sun.
        Listen to the sirens, thinkin' they're for me
        It's a lonely life for Grandmaster B,
        Yes, A lonely life for Grandmaster B.

 Bud crosses his arms and drops the receiver. He sits coolly back on the couch with Jill.

BUD     And now, you may take me.

JILL    Thank you.

BUD     No problem.

 Bud and Jill start making out. Peg and Kelly have appeared on the stairs. They walk over to 
 Bud and Jill.

PEGGY   Well, look! My little man is getting his first kiss.

 Bud and Jill stop kissing.

KELLY   You're the coolest, Grandma B.

BUD     [through gritted teeth] That's Grandmaster B. [to Jill, leading her towards the door]
        Look, babe, I think I'm gonna have to rat my way out of the rent now. You go on home 
        and wait by the phone, because if I call and you're not there, you go to the bottom of
        the list.

 Jill quickly kisses Bud and leaves. Bud, after a glaring pause, starts screaming at Peg and
 Kelly.

BUD     WHAT DID I TELL YOU TWO??? I am Grandmaster B! [sounding it out] Grandmaster B! Mommy,
        I'm cool! You're ruining it for me, I'm cool!!

PEGGY   Gee, I'm really sorry, Grand Marshall B.

KELLY   No, Mom, I think it's Bedwetter B.

PEGGY   Are you sure? I thought it was Court Jester B.

 They laugh and sit on the couch.
 Al comes downstairs, carrying a box.

AL      Peg! Peg, guess what I found in the attic. It's something of my father's that's served
        him well for 20 years. And now will serve me for the rest of my life.

PEGGY   A pair of socks?

AL      Bud, what do you think I found in the attic?

BUD     If it's a rubber woman, Dad, I can explain. You send away for one Archie comic and the
        next thing you know they put you on a list and they...

 Al raises his arm threatingly to shut Bud up.

AL      [to Kelly] Pumpkin?

KELLY   You found a pumpkin, Daddy?

AL      Well, I guess I'll tell you all, since none of you singly deserve to know... [he picks 
        a hammer out of the box] I found my father's hammer.

 Peg, Kelly and Bud all say "ooooh" sarcastically.

AL      This hammer has been in my family for generations. With this my father hit the now
        famous Bundy nail. And upon that nail he did hang his hat.

PEGGY   E-I-E-I-O.
KELLY   E-I-E-I-O.
BUD     E-I-E-I-O.

AL      My Dad had one great dream. And that dream was handed down from generation to generation
        of male Bundys. To build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, 
        they all failed.

PEGGY   No, genetically they all failed.

AL      Well, not me, I'm going to do it! [looking up] Look, Dad, I've got your hammer. Your
        little boy is going to build his own room!

KELLY   Mom, who is he talking to?

PEGGY   Grandpa.

KELLY   [waving to heaven] Hi Grandpa.
 
Peggy looks on in disbelief.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Al is in the garage, building his room. There are building supplies everywhere. Al holds a
 plank of wood. He talks emotionally to his father again.

AL      Look, Dad, I'm building my own room! [he walks over to the wall near the door] I dedicate
        the first nail to you.

 Al holds the plank of wood to the wall and starts hammering. 
 In the living room, Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch, looking through a magazine. 
 Al's third bash of the hammer goes right through the wall.

AL      Damn cheap sheet rock!!

MARCY   I can't believe you're going to let that moron move out of your room.

PEGGY   Marcy, you're assuming he can actually do this. You know the Bundy legacy - what they
        don't finish in 30 seconds, they never finish. Besides, you know, it's important to let
        your man fail in front of your eyes. It's a great thing to see. You know the fun we have
        watching them fail at sex?

 They giggle.

MARCY   Like when you say, "It's okay, honey. I'm sure it happens to all men. It doesn't mean 
        there's anything... wrong with you, does it?"

 They laugh.

PEGGY   Oh, yeah yeah yeah. Or, or when you say, "It's okay, honey. You're probably just tired
        and unsure of your manhood."

MARCY   Or, "It's okay, we can just lay here and hold each other. That's just as good." And then,
        when they lay their head on you like a child trembling, it is just as good! And you just
        want to laugh!

 They laugh some more.

PEGGY   Well, believe me when I tell ya, it is just as much fun to watch them fail with their
        clothes ON. [she sees Al approaching] Watch.

 Al enters from the garage, looking upset and frustrated with himself.

AL      I can't get the nails to go in straight!

PEGGY   Gee, honey, it's probably just because you're tired and unsure of your manhood.

AL      I did not fail! I'll build that room, I will! It's just... I've got a lot on my mind
        right now.

 Al goes back into the garage. Peggy and Marcy burst out laughing again.


SCENE TWO

 The Bundy house exterior. On screen caption: One week later.
 Al is heard screaming and banging is heard.
 Inside, Kelly, Peg and Bud are sitting on the couch listening to the goings on.

KELLY   Mom, you think he's actually doing something in there?

PEGGY   Oh, honey. Must I remind you of his family tree? Do we not remember Amadeus Bundy? 
        Who, when Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, try to patent shouting as a
        cheaper alternative? Oh, or how about Wrong Way Bundy? The original inventor of the
        shotgun, although he never quite perfected which way to point it? We later called him
        Headless Bundy.

BUD     But Mom, Dad's not like the others... he sells shoes.

 They laugh.
 Al calls from inside his room.

AL      It's done! Now come in and take your first and last look.

PEGGY   Alright now, kids, Daddy has worked very very hard on this and it means a lot to him. 
        So nobody laugh until I do.

 They giggle as they get up.


SCENE THREE

 The garage door. 
 Peggy enters, followed by Bud and Kelly and they stop in their tracks when they see Al's cool
 new room. The room now has green carpet, a couch, table, shelves and a bar with a neon sign
 above it. Al proudly displays it.

PEGGY   Wow, Al. You did all this with just a hammer?

AL      Not just a hammer, Peg. Dad's hammer.

 Al hold up the hammer and lights twinkle around it.

PEGGY   Well, Al, you're not really thinking about moving away from me and the baby? 

AL      Thinking of it - I've done it!! [smiles insanely] Be gone, jackals!

PEGGY   But Al...

 Al holds up the hammer and it again twinkles. Peg, Kelly and Bud back out the room. Al slams 
 the door behind them and locks all four locks to keep them out. He walks over to his couch.

AL      At last. Can do what every male Bundy wants to do.

 Al relaxes onto his couch and puts his hand down his pants.

AL      Well, they're out of sight. Wonder how long it will take until they're out of mind?
        [pauses] Done.

 There is a knock at the garage door.

AL      Well, that must be that life that I ordered.

 Al uses a remote to open the garage door, which of course has pictures of babes on it. 
 Jefferson is standing outside, with two suitcases. He wanders in.

JEFRSN  Hi Al.

 Al points for him to leave. Jefferson drops his suitcases and runs over to Al for solace.

JEFRSN  Please, Al. Let me stay with you. I'm afraid of Marcy. She wants sex all the time. I
        mean, having sex with your pregnant wife is, is like putting gas in the tank of a car
        that you've already wrecked.

AL      Well, thank God mine pulls into self-service!

JEFRSN  Al, Al, I'm begging you. I mean, you remember what it was like when you first got 
        married. Sex wasn't enough, they always want - god help me - foreplay.

 Jefferson breaks down and Al comforts him.

AL      Sshhh now, now, now, Al's here. Take it easy now, big fella.
 
JEFRSN  Save me.

AL      Okay, but just one night. And on one condition.

JEFRSN  What?

AL      It's just you and me, and you don't tell one single guy about this place.

JEFRSN  I swear.


FLIP TO:

SCENE FOUR

 Al's room is now full of his buddies Sony, Melvin, Harry, Herb and Norris, who are playing and
 throwing stuff around the room. Al sits uncomfortably on the couch.

AL      [to Jefferson] Maybe I wasn't being clear when I said "tell no one."

JEFRSN  Ah, come on, Al, it's okay. We're just having some good, clean, normal guy fun.

 Norris is playing a game with Sony.

NORRIS  Come on, pull my finger.

 Sony pulls his finger and Norris makes a fart noise with his armpit.

NORRIS  Hey Al, it's my arm!

AL      [to Jefferson] And I thought I ran with a cool pack in high school.

NORRIS  Hey Al, you mind if we turn out the lights and tell some really scary stories?

AL      Well, gee, I don't know. I'd thought we'd strip down to our underwear and sing "Puff the
        Magic Dragon".

JEFRSN  [sheepishly] Al, uh, my underwear's got a hole in it.

AL      Well, then maybe you can play the guitar!

 Al gets up, outraged.

AL      What's wrong with you idiots!? Don't you realise that any second the women are going to
        come pouring through that door?? Don't you know they can sense a man smiling a mile
        away!?

JEFRSN  Oh, Al, don't worry about it. I had all the guys promise that they wouldn't tell anyone.
        Right guys?

GUYS    We swear!


FLIP TO:

SCENE FIVE

 The women, Hariett, Betsy, Nelvia, Melba, have now taken over Al's room. Interestingly, all the
 woman are pregnant. And drinking tea. Marcy is sitting among them, holding Al's hammer.

MARCY   And so, I move that this room shall be our clubhouse for our newly formed women's group
        W.O.M.B. Which stands for Women Owe Men Bupkiss. All in favor?

WOMEN   Aye.

MARCY   Opposed?

GUYS    [now sitting in the corner of the room] Veto.

MARCY   Motion carried. [she uses the hammer as gavel on Al's TV] Now ladies, are there any
        complaints that we'd like to share?

NELVIA  I got haemorrhoids!

MELBA   I've got varicose veins.

HARIET  Well, I've got an itch my husband refuses to scratch!

 All the ladies start talking at once, and Betsy cuts them off.

BETSY   Excuse me, where do we go when we're feeling emotional?

MARCY   We can use Al's bathroom.

 Al stands.

AL      Thou shalt not insult my bowl with pregnant hineys. 

 He walks to the back of the room.

MARCY   Where are you going, Al?

AL      Ladies - [to the men] and by that I mean you guys [the guys look ashamed] - I'm going to
        tear this room asunder. It is evil. It has been tainted, womaned. It must be destroyed.

 Al takes off his shirt and stands between two pillars. He talks to his father again.

AL      Keep the gates open, Dad, I got a busload coming for ya!

 We hear Al's father from above.

FATHER  Go for it, Son.

 Al, with all his might, pushes the two pillars aside and the room caves in. The women
 frantically collect their husbands and usher them out as Al continues to destroy his room.


SCENE SIX

 Peggy, Al and Kelly are at the table, having another baby meeting.

PEGGY   Well, for this special baby meeting, we'd like to welcome Daddy back. A man who kept his
        garage up for five hours, which is four hours longer than he could keep his zipper up.

AL      Let the record show that the chairperson shares not only the wit, but also the body, of
        Buddy Hackett.

KELLY   Duly noted.

AL      Let it further show that Daddy also discovered an important thing today. The true legacy
        of Dad's hammer is failure. Dad failed with it, I failed with it and every male Bundy who
        comes after me will fail with it. And speaking of failure, where's the other male Bundy?

KELLY   You mean the Bushwhacker?

PEGGY   No, it's the Burgermeister.

AL      No, it's the Buck Minster. What is the difference!? Where is the little boil?


SCENE SEVEN

 Bud and Jill are in the remains of Al's room. Al's father's hammer is mounted on a plaque
 above them. Jill is admiring Bud's neck.

JILL    Where did you get this scar? Was it in Desert Storm?

BUD     Well, I had my own little desert storm, baby. In the streets of New York. Yep, we're the
        warriors who don't get the Ticket Tape Parades.

JILL    Oh, Grandflasher!

BUD     It's Grandmaster. Now, kiss me before I do.

 They start kissing. Al's father's hammer twinkles again and it falls off the plaque, onto Bud's
 head. Bud reacts in pain, picks up the hammer and starts crying.

JILL    Dustbuster... Dustbuster, are you okay?

BUD     Shut up, I'm dying, you buffoon! Mommy! Mommeeeeeeeee!

 The hammer continues to twinkle.



  THE END



DIRECTED BY  GERRY COHEN
 WRITTEN BY  KEVIN CURRAN
 CREATED BY  RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY  BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER