Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill .............. Al Bundy
Katey Sagal ............. Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse ........... Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate ..... Kelly Bundy
David Faustino .......... Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog ............ Buck


Guest Cast

Leonard Lightfoot ....... Oliver
Phil Fondacaro .......... Alien
Debbie Lee Carrington ... Alien
Tony Cox ................ Alien
Patty Malony ............ Alien
Felix Silla ............. Alien
Susie Rossitto .......... Alien
 



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch, not doing much. Peg is wearing her
nightgown.

BUD    Yeah, well, I'm not going.

KELLY  Me neither! Daddy doesn't like me driving his car.

PEGGY  Well, I'm not going!

BUD    [to Peg] He's your husband, you should pick him up.

PEGGY  Kids, we have been arguing like this ever since your father called and said
       he'd had a bad fall and hurt his head. Now one of us has gotta go get him. 
       Any volunteers?

No response.

PEGGY  Well, I can wait as long as you can!

Al enters in a foul mood and hangs up his coat.
He has a bruise on his head.

PEGGY  Hi, honey. We were just deciding who was going to pick you up.

AL     Why don't you use the method you used on our wedding day? You know, have a
       couple of uncles baseball bat my knees, throw me in the trunk of the car.
       Or were they stuck in Wanker County, where as Einstein would put it,
       everyone's relative.
 
PEGGY  You kids see why I didn't want to pick him up?

AL     How was I injured, you ask? Well, there I was, sloshing through the mall's
       wishing pond looking for change. I spotted a quarter, way far out. Why
       can't they just make a wish and drop the quarter, huh? Why they gotta whip 
       it way out there? Well, I guess they think that dreams really do come true 
       the closer you get to the drain. Anyhow, this quarter was just within my reach,
       when I slipped on some wishing pond slime, and took a header right into the
       granite statue of the Goddess of the Malls: Half Off-ious. Kids, you almost
       lost your daddy!

KELLY  Well, did you get the quarter?

AL     No! It was a pull-tab from a beer can. 

PEGGY  Poor Al. After such a trying night you must be hungry.

AL     Yes, Peg, I am hungry. Very hungry.

Peggy just shakes her head at him, smiling.

AL     [sarcastically] Well, goodnight!

PEGGY  Goodnight, sweetheart.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

Al and Peg are in bed. 
Peggy is asleep, but Al is awake.
He gets Peg's attention.

AL     Peg. Peg!

He nudges her and she wakes up.

AL     Peg, I can't sleep. I keep thinking of all those dimes and nickels that I
       passed over to get to that beer tab. It's so typical of my life. I was just
       this [holds his fingers about an inch apart] close to that quarter... God,
       my head hurts.

PEGGY  Well honey, maybe next time you'll wear a helmet before you go a-coin
       hunting. Now goodnight.

AL     You know what would really feel good, a nice icepack.

PEGGY  Oh Al. You always do this. You get the slightest little injury and you get
       all whiny. Y'know, like last summer when you were changing the tyres and the
       car fell on you? Boy, I really got a lot of sleep that night! "I can't feel
       my legs! I can't feel my legs!" You are such a baby sometimes! Now just go
       to sleep. Some of us feel okay.

Peg pulls the covers over her.

PEGGY  Oh, I can't sleep honey. Rub my tushie.

Al gets a baseball mitt from his bedside table and rubs Peg's bottom. She sighs as
she falls asleep, then Al stops rubbing her butt. He punches into the mitt before
replacing it.

AL     [to himself] Yep, once a mighty athlete.

As he puts the mitt away, he looks at the window. A horrified look comes over his
face. There is a little green alien leaning on the window sill.
Al can't believe it and he wakes up Peg.

AL     Peg, Peg, look, look!

He and Peg turn around and they look at the window. No one is there.

PEGGY  There's nothing there, Al. Now go to sleep!

Peg goes back to sleep.
Al cautiously looks at the window again. The little green alien reappears. 
Al puts his hands over his face and peeks through them. 
Three aliens climb through the window into the bedroom. Al looks even more scared. 
The aliens look around until they find Al's dirty socks. They pick them up and
leave happily. Al follows them to the window, peeks out, then wakes up Peg again.

AL     [barely audible] Peg, Peg! Peg. [she awakens] Three little green aliens came
       in here, they... they stole my sock!

PEGGY  Honey, were they green before or after they touched your sock?

AL     No, Peg, they stole my sock! It really happened!

PEGGY  Al. Sweetheart, you banged your head tonight. You are having a
       hallucination. You are probably seriously hurt and need medical attention.
       Now go to sleep.

Peg attempts sleeping again and Al cautiously looks out the window. 
The three aliens reappear. One of them waves at Al. Al is so scared he huddles
under the covers and shakes with fear right next to Peg. Peg seems turned on by
this.

PEGGY  Ooh, baby!

She pulls the covers over her head.
       

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch again.

PEGGY  Well, one of us has got to get Daddy at the doctor.
 
KELLY  Don't look at me, I didn't marry him.

BUD    I barely know the man.

Al enters once again in a foul mood, with a bandaid over his bruise.

PEGGY  Hi, honey. We were just deciding who was gonna go and pick...

AL     Well, don't bother, I'm home. You know, it's funny. After a couple hours I
       realised you weren't going to pick me up, so I thought, "Hey, I'm dizzy and
       my head hurts, what better time to take the bus?" So after 5 transfers and
       a brief jot through gang country where uh, where we stopped briefly so all
       the white males could be singled out and beaten, I'm home at last! 

PEGGY  Did you bring us a TV Guide?

Al hands them the TV Guide and they eagerly look for the Cheers & Jeers section.

AL     What did the doctor say, you ask? Well, don't worry. Though it looks bad, it
       might have killed me, it's just a painful, nasty bruise. Anybody uh, might
       like to see it?

Peg, Kelly and Bud are busy looking at the TV Guide, therefore they don't take any
notice of Al.

PEGGY  Jeers.
KELLY  Cheers, jeers! Jeers.
BUD    Jeers, cheers!

Al moans and sits on the couch.

AL     Anybody call?

Kelly looks up from the TV Guide.

KELLY  Yeah! The Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot wanted to know if you're still on
       for poker tomorrow night over at Darth Vader's house? The uh, the Klingons
       are bringing the chips.

Kelly, Bud and Peg all laugh at Al.

AL     Thank you, Peg. Must you tell them everything that goes on in the bedroom?

PEGGY  One thing happens in five years and I'm not supposed to talk about it?
       Honey, "Coprock"'s on tonight, so we're going to the movies. Come on, kids.

Peg, Kelly and Bud get up and get their coats.

PEGGY  We're just going to pick up Marcy. And honey, we may be a little bit late. 
       It seems the Octopus People have run amok downtown. You know what that does
       to traffic.

She laughs.

BUD    Uh, Dad, if there's any trouble, blow on this ring. [He gives Al a
       ring] The Alien Police will come and save you!

The three of them leave, laughing. Al looks over at Buck who is sitting on the
armchair. Buck goes over to Al and rests himself on Al's leg.

AL     What the hell are you looking at? Oh, I guess maybe I didn't really see 'em,
       'cause if  a great dog like you didn't sense their presence and barked, I
       must be going crazy.

Al hears somebody fiddling with the front door. He looks at it in fright. 
6 green aliens come in with ray guns and other alien equipment. 
Some of the aliens measure Al's head.

AL     [to himself] Oh, this is OK! See, I... I've had a, a head injury... you're
       not really here. Nope... I don't see any, anyone at all.

He blows on the ring.
With the help of a ray gun, the aliens find the washing basket filled with dirty
washing near the kitchen table. They all rummage through it making alien noises and
find all of Al's dirty socks. They hold them excitedly and then run out. One alien
stops on his way to pat Al on the head. Al reacts and the alien leaves with the
door shutting behind him.
Al is breathing heavily and he talks worriedly into the ring.

AL     Help me! Mm-moon men have my socks. Over. 

He blows on the ring twice.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Marcy enter an empty living room.

PEGGY  Al! Al! Well, 'guess he's not home.

MARCY  Well, he couldn't be far. The stench of failure is still in the air.

Peggy opens the closet to put her coat away and finds Al huddled in the closet,
holding a baseball bat.

PEGGY  Kids, I think you better go upstairs and pack a bag. Father may be "going
       away."

KELLY  I just know he's going to linger on and eat away at our savings.

Bud and Kelly go upstairs.
Peggy helps Al gingerly out of the closet.

PEGGY  Come on out of there, sweetheart, come on.

Al takes Peggy's hand and she helps him out. As soon as he steps beyond the door,
Marcy shouts at him.

MARCY  BOO!

Al recoils in fright and returns to the closet, closing the door behind him.

PEGGY  Well, now look what you've done!

MARCY  Oh, he sells shoes, what's the difference?

Peggy helps Al out of the closet once more.

PEGGY  Come on, sweetheart. Marcy just did that because she loves you. 

MARCY  No, I did it because he calls me "Sergeant Carter hair".

Peggy escorts Al to the couch and the three of them sit.

PEGGY  Come on, honey. Come on over here and sit on the couch. Tell us what
       happened.

AL     Well... you'll laugh at me.

PEGGY  We won't laugh at you.

AL     Well, the Moon Men came back and took my socks!

Peggy and Marcy burst out laughing.

MARCY  Isn't it funny how UFOs always visit idiots? Well, I guess they went up to
       their last idiot and said "Take us to your leader".

AL     Look, you gotta believe me. [very quickly] They came in here and took the
       socks off my feet, then they measured my head, then they went through the
       laundry basket and took the socks out of there. Does that sound like the
       ramblings of an idiot!??? 
       Ask Buck, he was here!

Buck is sitting on his armchair, looking somewhat shocked.

PEGGY  Ask Buck? OK. [she leans towards Buck] Uh, Buck, honey, why don't you tell
       us what you and Daddy saw. [pause] Uh-huh. [pause] Uh-huh. 
       [to Al] Well, he says he can vouch for five aliens but you know he's
       nothing without his calculator.

MARCY  We're sorry, Al. We shouldn't have doubted you. You know, UFO Digest is
       pledged to pay one million dollars to anyone with real proof of aliens
       having visited. And with your dog's testimony and your standing in the
       community, why that million is as good as yours!

Marcy and Peggy laugh at Al again.

AL     Alright, laugh if you will, but answer me this: If there weren't any aliens,
       how do you explain these??

Al puts his bare feet up on the table.

PEGGY  Well, if we were in Russia I'd say "Chernobyl."


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

The bedroom. 
The camera pans across a long line of new socks trailing from the window to
Peggy's side of the bed, where Al is sitting poised with a camera. Peggy is
sitting up in bed.

PEGGY  Al... Honey, when you fell into that pond, just exactly how long were you
       underwater?

AL     Peg, haven't you learned yet that nothing reveals itself in this bedroom
       when you're talking?

PEGGY  You know, Honey, you've been sitting there for three hours doing nothing. 
       If you're going to do that, why don't you get a job at the Post Office?

Al gives her a look.

AL     [to himself] Come on boys, get me outta here.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

The bedroom, now much later.
The camera again pans along the trail of socks, with Al at the end of it in the
same position, only asleep this time. Peggy is also asleep, with her feet propped
up on Al's back. She pushes him off.

PEGGY  [in her sleep] Get off me, Buck!

Al falls to the ground and wakes up. The camera flash goes off. 
Al decides to go to bed properly.

AL     Ah, they're not coming. I give up.

He takes off his socks and relaxes down onto his bed. 
A moment later, the aliens arrive and immediately pick up Al's dirty socks. 
Al quickly sits up again.

AL     They have to be used, huh? [The aliens nod] Of course, the other ones were
       new! You, uh, you guys mind if I take your picture?

The aliens eagerly pose for a group shot. Al takes a picture. 

AL     Saaaaayyy "millions"!


 MONTAGE SEQUENCE

  A series of photos with Al and the aliens:

  - A group shot with Al in the centre
  - A group shot with Al and the aliens with their hands down their pants
  - Two aliens standing by Peggy, holding their noses 
  - Al striking his touchdown pose
  - Singing "Cumbaya, My Lord"
  - An alien sitting on the bed next to a still-sleeping Peggy, smoking a
    cigarette. Peggy has a smile on her face.
  - A group shot after a "Whoa, Alien!"


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Al takes one last picture of the aliens in the window, who are now about to leave.

AL     Guys, just one more thing. You sure you don't want the redhead for your
       intergalactic zoo?

The aliens shake their heads.

AL     I don't blame ya. Well, [he makes the Vulcan sign] Live long and prosper. 
       I know I will!

He waves goodbye to the aliens and they leave. A delighted Al jumps on the bed.

AL     I'm rich! Aha! I'm going to hit the millions!

Peggy wakes up.

PEGGY  Did the aliens come, honey?

AL     Uhm... No.

PEGGY  Well, you woke me up. Rub my tushie.

Al tosses her the baseball mitt.

AL     Rub it yourself!


ACT TWO 

SCENE SIX

The Photorama store.
Al enters the store wearing a white suit with a Hawaiian shirt, and carrying a
briefcase. He is singing a variation of the Banana Boat Song.

AL     [Singing] Day O! Daaaayyy O! Pictures come and I never go home. Pictures
       come and I never go home. [He rings the bell in time with his singing] One
       blonde, two blondes, three blondes - Ahh! Pictures come and I never go
       ho-o-ome!  

He keeps ringing the bell until the clerk, Oliver, comes out from the back.

OLIVER Hey, Mr. Tallyman! We don't need the whole song. May I help you?

AL     Give me my pictures. I've got planes to catch, cars to buy and families to
       leave! 

OLIVER Name?

AL     Bundy. But it'll soon change. [He gives Oliver a ticket] Gimme my pictures!

OLIVER [Looking through some photos] Bundy, Bundy... Is that Al Bundy, 36 exposure,
       1600 ISO?

AL     Yes, yes!

OLIVER Uh-oh.

Al's delight vanishes.

AL     What?

OLIVER You know, this has only happened one other time since we've been at this
       location.

AL     What happened?

OLIVER Well, do you know anything about film developing?

AL     No!

OLIVER Well, neither do we. But, we learn as we go. Today we learned that when the
       machine jams, you don't use a flashlight around negatives. Were they
       anything important?

Al looks broken hearted. He then makes a threatening face.


FLIP TO:


ACT TWO 

SCENE SEVEN

Back at the Bundy house, Al and Peggy are sitting on the couch.

PEGGY  When's your court date, Al?

AL     Thursday.

PEGGY  Congratulations. It's not everyday a Bundy gets arrested for assaulting a
       Photorama clerk. 'Course, you were in the right. I mean, he did lose your
       photos of those little green guys.

AL     That's right, play with the piranha.

PEGGY  Honey, I'm gonna go see your lawyer. He may not realise that a previous Judge
       already declared you legally stupid. It may help your defence.

Peggy leaves.
Al looks at Buck.

AL     What are you looking at? You know they were real, you were here. If you could
       talk you'd back me up, wouldn't ya?

BUCK   Yeah, right. Mad men they lock up. Mad dogs they shoot.

The six aliens enter through the font door.

AL     Of course. You guys came to see the pictures, didn't ya? [The aliens all nod
       eagerly] Well, the Photorama guy lost them. [The aliens throw their hands up
       in the air, then pose for another picture] Oh, nah, nah, no more pictures.
       Nah, I broke my camera over some guy's head. Guys, there's something you
       gotta know about me. Even if I took more pictures of ya, it wouldn't come
       out right. Everything I do is wrong. [The aliens all gather around Al on the
       couch and console him] Nothing I do seems to matter. I don't know, I try,
       but... seems like Al Bundy wasn't meant to count.

Al puts his feet up on the table.
The aliens eye his socks with interest.

AL     You want my socks? [The aliens take off his socks] Would you guys mind
       coming on Geraldo with me? [The aliens point to their watches and then at
       the sky] Gotta go, huh? I understand.

The aliens start to leave.

AL     Oh guys, just one more thing. Why my socks?

ALIENS Mizzoozoo!

Text on screen: "FUEL"

Al     [Making the Vulcan sing] Mizzoozoo.

The aliens leave.

Space music is heard and then a Star Wars-like slab of text scrolls across the
black screen as a voice announces:


      Long ago, in the galaxy
        Euryops, a great,
        menacing comet was
      born. Colossal in size,
       deadly in trajectory,
      it hurtled unstoppable
       through the Universe,
       on a collision course
        with many inhabited 
        planets. Among the 
        doomed was a small
        green world called
       Earth. But on planet
       Philydion they still
       sing songs of the man
       who made it possible
         for the comet to
          be destroyed.
        The man who saved
       Earth and a hundred
       worlds, by providing
        fuel for the ships
        which diverted the
         comet. And that 
             man is...

We see Al sitting on the couch.

VOICE  ... Al Bundy.

Al rubs his armpit, picks his ear, then looks at his finger. 
All the while, the music continues to play.




      THE END




                      PRODUCER  Kevin Curran
          SUPERVISING PRODUCER  Ellen L. Fogle
          SUPERVISING PRODUCER  Ralph R. Farqhar
         CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER  Katherine Green
         CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER  Arthur Silver
           EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS  Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye

                   DIRECTED BY  Gerry Cohen
                    WRITTEN BY  Ellen L. Fogle
                    CREATED BY  Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt 
                   PRODUCED BY  Barbara Blachut Cramer

                    CASTING BY  Tammara Billik, C.S.A.
             CASTING ASSOCIATE  Steven Craig
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING  Rick Jacobs
 "LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY  Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen
             MUSIC SUPERVISION  Michael Andreas
                  ART DIRECTOR  Richard Improta
            ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR  Sam W. Orender
                STAGE MANAGERS  Richard Draney, Stephanie Scott 
          PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE  Kitty Rourke
        PRODUCTION COORDINATOR  Susan Jang
                     EDITED BY  Larry Harris
            TECHNICAL DIRECTOR  Tom Conkright
       DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY  Thomas W. Markle
                         AUDIO  J. Mark King
                  RE-RECORDING  Marti D. Humphrey, John Bicklehaupt
              PRODUCTION STAFF  Gabrielle Topping, Rochelle E. Staten, Linda Ota,
                                Carmen Herrera R. Anne Bacchus, Ruthie Piper
                                Hardie, Carl Studebaker, Bert L. Cook
                      COSTUMES  Marti M. Squyers
               PROPERTY MASTER  Michael Semon
                       MAKE-UP  Nina Kent 
                  HAIR STYLIST  Dottie McQuown
                   DOG TRAINER  Steven Ritt
      PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY  Deborah Curtan
         PRODUCTION CONSULTANT  Jeanie Bradley
                      COPYRIGHT (C) 1990
                      ELP COMMUNICATIONS
                      All Rights Reserved
   ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
       IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION  Ed Lammi
                            COLUMBIA
             a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production