Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Angel......................Sam Kinison
Norman Jablonsky...........Ted McGinley



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 The Bundy kitchen. 
 Peggy is standing at the stove, holding an ice cream scoop. There is a bowl in front of her. 
 She calls out to Kelly.

PEGGY     Kelly honey! Hurry up! Daddy will be home any minute with our presents. Oh, and did 
          you dress for the Annual Christmas Feast at Denny's?

 Kelly comes downstairs wearing a red, midriff-baring top and skirt ensemble.

KELLY     Is this okay, mom? I haven't worn it since Grandma's funeral.

PEGGY     Well, it did knock 20 percent of the enbalming. Hey, maybe they'll give us a deal on
          the Christmas platter. [bringing the bowl to the table] Okay, come help me make snow
          cones for Daddy. [calls out again] Bud, hurry up! We can't make them without you!

 Bud enters from the back door, carrying a shovel full of snow.

BUD       Heeerrree's the snow!

 He dumps the snow into the bowl. Peggy picks up an ice-cream cone and begins to scoop snow into
 it.

PEGGY     Okay, who wants lime?

KELLY     I do.

PEGGY     Hand me the mouthwash.

 Kelly grabs some mouthwash off the counter behind her and gives it to Peg. She pours the
 mouthwash over the "ice cream" she just prepared and it becomes green.

BUD       I want cherry!

PEGGY     Okay, give me the cough syrup.

 Kelly retrieves the cough syrup and Peg pours the red liquid over Bud's snow cone.

PEGGY     Ooh, it's really beginning to feel like Christmas, isn't it, kids?

KELLY     Do you remember when we couldn't afford snow cones?

BUD       Yep. Life is good.

 Bud wipes away a tear.
 Al enters, looking dejected.

KELLY     [excitedly] Daddy!

BUD       [excitedly] Daddy!

 Peggy, Kelly and Bud run to Al with great excitement. Bud and Kelly cling to him on either side
 and Bud searches Al's body for presents.

KELLY     Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!
BUD       Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!

PEGGY     Now kids, give your father a chance to relax. Make room...

 Peggy pulls Kelly and Bud away from Al, then lunges forward and starts begging herself.

PEGGY      Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!

 Al tries to make his way to the couch with the three others clinging to him, shouting things
 like "I love you! I love you!" (Bud) and "Give us some presents!" (Kelly)

AL        Family! I think we've fallen a tad short of the true meaning of Christmas.

 Al sits on the couch next to Buck.

AL        It's about love, about family...

KELLY     [to Peggy] I think something's rotten in the state of Denver, Mom.

PEGGY     Don't worry. Even a dullard like your father isn't stupid enough to come home without
          presents.

 Kelly, Peggy and Bud stare hard at Al. Al tries to force a smile.

BUD       I don't like the looks of this, Mom.

PEGGY     Yeah, he does have that "just plugged the toilet" grin on his face.

 Al continues to force a smile.

KELLY     I think he's empty.

PEGGY     Let's check it out.

 Kelly, Peggy and Bud walk over to behind the couch and stand behind Al.

PEGGY     So Al... I, uh, notice you're not burdened down with presents for your loving family.
          Are they, uh, in the car?

AL        Well, no.

BUD       Are they, uh, being delivered?

AL        No.

KELLY     Are they... invisible?

 Al, Peggy and Bud look oddly at Kelly.

KELLY     Well, you guys get to ask the good questions. If for once you'd let me go first, I
          would've asked if they were being delivered -

 Peg hushes Kelly.

PEGGY     [to Kelly] Shhh, honey. [to Al] Okay Al, enough of this loving family crap.

 Peggy sits down next to Al and crosses her arms.

PEGGY     [accusingly] What did you do?

AL        Well, I'm going to be honest with you, Peg. You see, I was coming home with great
          presents, when I was surrounded by a band of... bears, and Indians. See, normally 
          you wouldn't think the two would get along, but there they were! I fought them with
          everything that I had but they... they took all my presents and they, uh, they flew
          away.

KELLY     [with concern] Oh, Daddy, are you okay?

PEGGY     Rest, Kelly. [to Al, sweetly] Snookums... You know, if you really did come home with 
          no presents, we wouldn't mind. [runs her fingers across Al's shoulder] Would we, kids?

BUD       [playing innocent] No, Mom.

KELLY     I would...

 Bud elbows Kelly and puts his finger to his lips.

KELLY     I mean: no, I wouldn't, Mom.

PEGGY     [sweetly] We wuv our Daddy. Right, kids?

 Kelly looks at Bud questioningly. Bud nods. They answer together:

BUD       Right, Mom.
KELLY     Right, Mom.

PEGGY     [soothingly] There. You feel better now, Al?

AL        [smiling happily] Yes I do, Peg.

PEGGY     Then give us our presents!

 Al stops smiling.

PEGGY     You do have presents, don't you, Al?

 Al hangs his head.

KELLY     And we kissed your hand and called you "Daddy".

AL        [defensively] The bank closed...

 The kids dismiss this angrily.

BUD       Ah, you rotten mullet-head.
KELLY     Yeah, right.

AL        It wasn't my fault! I did everything that I could.

KELLY     A real daddy would have held up a liquor store. They're open till six, you know.

PEGGY     Now kids. I'm sure your father has a good reason for not taking that money out
          yesterday. Tell us the reason, Witless.

AL        I wanted to get that extra day of interest!

PEGGY     Oh, that would've been what, about three cents, Al?

AL        Hey, that would've been our waitress's tip at Denny's!

PEGGY     Thank your father for flushing another Christmas, kids.

KELLY     [bitterly] Thanks, Dad.
BUD       [bitterly] Thanks, Dad.

AL        Peg, kids, look. Just because we don't have presents, doesn't mean we can't have
          Christmas.

KELLY     Daddy, Christmas without presents is like Thanksgiving without pizza.

 Bud expresses his agreement.

PEGGY     Oh well, I s'pose there are a lot of families much worse off than us at Christmas. Of
          course, they're all living in trees and worshipping sticks. But, let's make the best 
          of it. [to the kids] Let's go to Denny's. I have eight bucks. That's enough for three
          of us to eat.

 Peggy, Kelly and Bud start to leave. Al gets up.

AL        Haha. I guess we'll all have to draw straws. Well, I don't mind doing that. 'Course, 
          I don't think I should be the one to have to do it, since I do work all year, and I am
          going to buy presents on the 26th. But I think to be fair I'll have to, uh -

 Bud, the last one to leave, shuts the door behind him.

AL        [shouting at the closed door] Bring me back some pie crust!

 Al, dejected, sits on the couch next to Buck and talks to him.

AL        Well, Buck, old friend... I guess it's just you and me, huh boy?

 Buck growls and barks at Al and he recoils.

AL        Fine, fine. I don't care. I'm enjoying my holiday.

 He sits on the couch, puts his feet on the coffe table and starts singing "Winter Wonderland".

AL        Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane snow is glistening... Just the dogs!
          [Buck doesn't react] Just the man who's losing his mind! [continues singing] Beautiful
          sight, happy tonight... [stops singing] Oh please, somebody shoot me!

 He hangs his head in his hands.


SCENE TWO

 Al is at the veranda, working on the Christmas lights that are hung around the garage window. 
 A neighbor calls out to Al.

NEIGHBOR  Hey, Bundy! My family gave me a new TV set for Christmas. What are you gettin'?

AL        Well, if I was one of the guys down at the post office, Donnelly, I'd be unwrapping
          your wife!

 Al tends to his Christmas lights.
 Marcy, still stinking drunk from her Christmas party, approaches Al.

MARCY     Excuse me, Marcy! I'm Al. Do you know where I live?

AL        Why didn't you let me into the bank, Marcy?

MARCY     I was going to! But I got so sleepy. I guess I fell asleep. But you gotta see this.
          [shows Al a picture] Some bimbo got so smashed she xeroxed her behind. [laughs] Ah,
          everybody got one. Oh, imagine the humilation when she shows up for work Monday
          morning!

AL        Yeah, it's a Christmas to remember alright. Well, let's get you home. Now, we'll hail 
          a cab, tell him to take you to dock 43, walk up the the first toothless man you see,
          show him this picture, and you're home!

Marcy smiles at him.

MARCY     Thank you, Al. Don't tell anybody, but I'm going to throw up in your next door
          neighbor's mailbox. 

She giggles, then looks at the picture again.

MARCY     Look at this scrawny little thing!

She giggles and stumbles off. Al goes back to his lights.

AL        Well, let's see how the lights work.

 Al connects the Christmas lights. Only one of them lights up.

AL        That's just great. They hang there all year long, and the one lousy time you want them
          to work...

 Al takes out a pocket knife.

AL        [with sarcasm] Yeah, it's a wonderful life.

 Al starts fidgeting with the lights with his pocket knife.

AL        I don't know. Sometimes I think it might have been better if I was never born.

 Al suddenly gets electrocuted by the lights and drops to the ground.


SCENE THREE

 Al is lying in the snow outside the front door, unconscious. His guardian angel, who is kneeling 
 over him, slaps him softly on the cheek.

ANGEL     Hey buddy, you all right?

 The angel helps Al up.

ANGEL     There you are.

 The angel helps Al straighten up his jacket.

ANGEL     You're okay. You're gonna be fine.

AL        Well, thanks, buddy. Who are you?

ANGEL     I'm a guardian angel. [takes out a note from his coat pocket] As matter of fact, I'm
          looking for, uh... [looks at his note] an Al Bundy. Do you know an Al Bundy?

AL        I'm Al Bundy.

 The angel eyes Al for a moment, then looks up at the sky.

ANGEL     [hollering towards the sky] Nooooooooooo! Could you stop playing Nintendo up there for
          a minute?! What kind of a mess have you got me into?! What have you done to me?!

 The angel breaks into tears and buries his face in Al's chest.

AL        There, there, buddy. How 'bout I go get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver 
          bullet? Would you like that, buddy?

 The angel breaks away from Al and wipes his cheek.

ANGEL     You just have to give me a minute with this, Bundy. I thought I was here to save a
          human soul. [muttering to himself] That's all right, never mind...

 The angel gets a bottle of rum from his coat pocket, but it turns out to be empty.

ANGEL     [hollering towards the sky again] Oh, thanks a lot! You can turn water into wine, but
          you can't see me with any booze, huh? Love ya!

 The angel turns back towards Al. 

AL        Oh, I get it. You're one of my wife's relatives. I've never seen one upright before.

ANGEL     No. Much like a neutered dog, you don't get it, Bundy. Read my lips: I'm your guardian
          angel.

AL        Oh, I see. hell, I gotta apologize. I just thought you were a nut. Well, I'll get my
          guitar and call Elvis, the three of us will rock in the new year.

 Al sits down.

ANGEL     Hey, this is no sleigh ride for me either, Bundy.

 The angel sits next to Al.

ANGEL     Usually on Christmas, I'd be over at Moses's house. We'd be out by the pool, wait for
          the new guy to jump off the board, and then Mo' parts the water. [laughs] Now that's
          Christmas! That's Christmas, man. Yeah, but I sorta fell from grace. They, uh, they
          caught me scalping tickets to a Jimi Hendrix concert. And here I am. But enough about
          me. What's it going to take to convince you that I'm your guardian angel?

AL        Fly around, play a harp.

ANGEL     Hey, I'm an angel, not Tommy Tune. I see it's the old stand-by, huh? Tell you what -
          make a wish. Anything off the top of your head.

AL        Make my Christmas lights work.

 The angel snaps his fingers and all the Christmas lights go on. Al is amazed.

AL        That's amazing! You *are* an angel. Hey, I want another wish. Aren't you supposed to
          get three?

ANGEL     Hey, don't be a wish-pig, Bundy, all right? You wanted three wishes, get a genie.
          Besides, anything that I can't get a receipt for comes out of my own pocket. 

AL        Oh, come on. Just give me one more. Turn the lights back off and give me the Hee-Haa
          Girls.

 The angel laughs.

ANGEL     Hey, I've been sitting around waiting for them to die myself! [laughs] I know you 
          think you got it tough: your wife doesn't respect you, your kids think you're a 
          failure, a good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases...
          Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal.
          [gets up] My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two
          kids, I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates
          written up that said "hit me". But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know?
          Because she told me!! Oh yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, 
          my bookie... But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then
          I knew there was trouble in paradise. [sits back down] That's when I did what any other
          man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?!?!
         [laughs insanely]

 Al is looking at the angel very oddly.

AL        And you're here to help me, huh?

ANGEL     That I am, my man. See, if I help you, I get my wings. And that means a lot up there,
          especially with the chicks. If I get my wings I get to pick up on the girls who died
          young.

AL        Well, that sounds great for you, but what are you gonna do for me? Show me that my 
          life can only get worse? What are you gonna do, give me two more wives, three more
          kids? Make me a, make me a White Sox fan?

ANGEL     No, Bundy. We're gonna take a little trip. 

 They get up.

ANGEL     Just like you wondered, I'm gonna show you what it'd been like if you had never been
          born. Let's party.

 The angel snaps his fingers. The door to the house opens by itself. Al and the angel look at
 each other.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Al and the angel enter the living room. It looks exactly like the Bundys', but it's all
 decorated for Christmas, and there's a Christmas tree behind the couch. The angel snaps his
 fingers and the door closes by itself. 
 We see this world's Peggy in the kitchen, singing softly as she approaches the stove. Her hair
 is tied back and she's wearing a chaste purple dress and an apron. She stirs something on the
 stove, smiling like a 50's housewife.

AL        Peg! It's me! And my angel!

ANGEL     She doesn't know you're there, Bundy. Just like when you're having sex.

 He laughs.

AL        Wait a sec. She's cooking! She told me she was allergic to fire.

ANGEL     [with sarcasm] Gee, that's weird. I guess after I died women started lying, huh? Boy, 
          I tell ya, if they ever start using sex to get what they want, I'm outta here.

 Bud enters. He's dressed like a good school boy; wearing a sweater, scarf and glasses. He is
 carrying a coat and a pair of ice skates.

BUD       Hello, Mother!

 Bud walks over to Peggy.

PEGGY     Oh, you're home a trifle late, dear.

BUD       Oh yes, I know. Regrettable but neccessary. I had to stop on the way home to soundly
          thrash a bully who was making who was making lewd and suggestive comments to some
          female school chums. Oh Mother, when will men realize that the delicate flower of
          womanhood must be allowed to bloom in freedom?
 
PEGGY     You're such a fine young man. I knew it would pay to breastfeed you till you were nine.

 Peggy hugs Bud. Al looks at them, somewhat disgusted and disbelieving. Peggy puts a hand to her
 son's face.

PEGGY     Do you need any money, dear?

BUD       Oh no! I could never take money from you. You and Father have given me the greatest
          gift of all - the gift of life. 

AL        [to the angel] Would he feel it if I kicked him?

ANGEL     No, but for a little extra cash I could give him your dog's face.

AL        Would you take an IOU?

ANGEL     Not from you.

 Kelly enters happily with a suitcase. She is also wearing very chaste clothes and her hair is
 up.

KELLY     Hello Mama! I'm home from college.

 Kelly runs over to Peggy and they kiss each other on the cheek.

AL        College!? She flunked lunch in high school.

KELLY     [to Peggy] Good news: they're publishing my poetry in French!

 Kelly turns to Bud.

KELLY     Oh, Budrick!

 Kelly and Bud kiss in the air.

KELLY     [to Bud] You look fabulous. You really must be popular with the ladies.

BUD       Well, I've broken a few hearts, but gained some good friends. And you, dear sister -
          are you still frigid?

KELLY     Yes, but pleasures of the flesh muddy the thinking...

PEGGY     She's right, you know. I saved myself for marriage.

AL        Oh, come on! The football team retired HER jersey. I mean, what kind of guy would 
          marry her if she wasn't puttin' out?

 The handsome, well-dressed Norman Jablonsky comes in.

NORMAN    [singing] "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus..."

KELLY     It's daddy!
BUD       It's daddy!

 Bud and Kelly run to Norman and hug him.

NORMAN    Oh-ho, family!

KELLY     Oh, daddy!

 Norman kisses Kelly on the cheek. Bud and Kelly take his coat and hang it up.

NORMAN    [to Peggy] Dear heart!

 Peggy laughs. Norman swings her in the air and they kiss passionately.

KELLY     [to Bud] There they go again!

 Bud and Kelly play around with their hands.

AL        [to the angel] You know those wings you've been wanting? 

ANGEL     Yeah.

AL        You think you could make a pair out of this guy's kidneys?

ANGEL     Hey, don't worry about him, Bundy. I checked into his future. 

 The angel takes a small notebook out of his pocket.

ANGEL     By the time he's sixty, his stomach is so ulcer ridden that -

 The angel looks at his notebook.

ANGEL     Oh, well, that's you. Sorry, man. Sorry.

 Norman and Peggy hold hands. 

NORMAN    So, how was your day, honey?

PEG       Oh, wonderful. As every day since we met.

 Norman and Peggy kiss again. 

AL        [with disgust] Am I the only one who can taste the bile?

PEGGY     Oh, by the way, dear, I didn't have a chance to finish the Christmas cookies. I had a
          run-in with a shoe salesman today.

 Norman and Peggy sit on the couch.

AL        There she goes. She's leaving him. No one can resist a shoe salesman.

 Bud brings Norman his slippers and puts them on his feet. Kelly brings Norman a newspaper.

PEGGY     I was only trying on shoes for a couple of hours, and he barked at me. He was a rude,
          smelly, uneducated little man.

NORMAN    Imagine. A grown man selling shoes for a living. [laughs]

 Al makes a hateful face at Norman.

NORMAN    But let us remember the old adage: "I lamented I had no shoes, until I saw the man who
          sold them."

 The kids nod in agreement.

NORMAN    Well, I'll bet you're all wondering where your presents are.

BUD       Oh, father.

 Bud sits down next to Norman and puts his hand on Norman's shoulder.

BUD       You needn't get us anything.

AL        What?!

 Kelly also sits on the couch.

KELLY     Oh, yes. Your love and guidance all these years means more to us than any store-bought
          bauble.

NORMAN    [emotionally] Oh, it... I - I just love you guys so much.

 Norman puts his arms around his family.

AL        [to the angel] Well, gee, this was fun! What do we do next? Go back in time to the day
          I should have been conceived and watch my father invent the condom?

ANGEL     No more time travel for me. It gives me the runs. Besides, Bundy, you're the one that
          wanted to see what live would be like if you'd never been born. So grin and bare it.

NORMAN    Family, I have a little announcement.

 Norman gets up and rubs his hands together.

NORMAN    I do have a special Christmas present for everyone. I've watched you all suffer in 
          this hovel for years. But over the years, I've been saving. And that, along with
          Mommy's sewing money, has allowed me to buy us a new house. A mansion, really. So how
          about joining me in a "Whoa Jablonsky'"?

 The four of them do an enthusiastic "Whoa Jablonsky". Al mouths "Whoa Jablonsky?!" with
 disbelief. Peggy gets up.

PEGGY     Oh, Norman. What a special Christmas present. Let's just stand here and love each
          other. Kids...

 Bud and Kelly get up and join Norman and Peggy. Bud hugs Norman and Kelly hugs Peggy. The four
 of them start saying "I love you" to each other over and over again.

AL        Now that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

ANGEL     I'm sorry, Bundy. I failed you. I was supposed to show you why you should live, but I
          can't think of one darn reason. I'll never get my wings now. And you know what kind of
          woman you get in heaven driving around in a '78 Pinto? The same kind of woman you get
          down here driving around in a '78 Pinto. God, I'm depressed.

 The angel walks over to Peggy and pinches her butt.

ANGEL     Well, that's better.

AL        Wait a second. I wanna be back with my family.

ANGEL     Why?

AL        Look at them.

 We see the Jablonskys sitting at the kitchen table, getting ready to eat their Christmas dinner.

AL        They're happy. Not a care in the world. You think I'm gonna let that happen, after all
          the grief they've put me through? I want to live!

 The angel hugs Al.

ANGEL     [excitedly] Bundy, are you serious?

 Al nods.

ANGEL     That means I'm going to be an angel! I'm gonna get my wings! I'm gonna be a real 
          angel!! But first - first I'm gonna go take a look at my ex-wife.

AL        You really did love her, huh?

ANGEL     Nah. No, I just want to put a package of Ding-Dongs just out of reach of her pork-pie
          fingers. And then, if she oozes that thousand-pound bulk over to the table, lifts up
          three of her chins so she's able to put one of them into her mouth, I'm gonna turn 
          them into me! A 20-year-old rotting corpse! [shouting insanely] How do you like that,
          Thelma? Daddy's home for Christmas! You pig! You slut! Take a bite of this, Shamu!

 The angel starts spinning in place and gradually fades away. Al does a 'thumbs up'.


SCENE TWO

 Al is lying in the snow outside the front door, unconscious. Peg and the kids approach him.

PEGGY     Al, get up!

 Al comes to and looks at Peggy, wide-eyed.

AL        Peg! You know me?

PEGGY     Well, of course I know you. Why do you think I didn't help you up? [to Bud and Kelly]
          Come on, kids, let's go inside. Knowing your father, he'll catch pneumonia, cough on
          us, and we'll all get sick. Out of the way, Al.

 Peggy and the kids walk past Al into the house. Al gets up and follows them inside.

AL        [to Bud] Bud, quick: what's more important: love or money?

BUD       Money, dad. I can always rent love...

 Al laughs joyfully and hurries over to Kelly.

AL        [to Kelly] Kelly, quick: what's the color of an orange?

KELLY     No multiple choice? You mean just straight off the top of my head?

AL        [laughing happily] Don't worry about it, Pumpkin. [to Peggy] Peg, bake me some
          Christmas cookies.

PEGGY     Drop dead, Al.

AL        All right!

 Al sits on the couch and puts his arm around Bud, still overjoyed.

PEGGY     Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood. You know, they raised the Christmas platter at
          Denny's fifty cents, so we had to go to the Spud Hut for their holiday tater feast.

 Peggy sits down on the couch next to Al. Al hugs Bud and Peggy tight.

PEGGY     Thanks a lot, Al. This is the worst Chirtsmas I've ever had.

BUD       Yeah, me too. This reeks.

 Al continues to hug Bud and Peggy while smiling widely. Kelly sits down on the couch.

KELLY     ...Just a regular orange?

 Al laughs. Bud puts two drinking straws in his nostrils and starts drumming on them.

AL        I've got my family back!

 Al puts his feet on the coffee table. We hear Al's guardian angel talking to someone up in
 heaven.

ANGEL      [v.o.] Okay, heaven, I'm back. Open up the gates. [pause] What do you mean where is 
           my badge? It's in my luggage. [pause] They lost my luggage?! Ow! Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!



   THE END



 DIRECTED BY  GERRY COHEN
  WRITTEN BY  MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
  CREATED BY  MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
 PRODUCED BY  BARABRA BLACHUT CRAMER