MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"MARRIED... WITH QUEEN"

FIRST DRAFT
March 27, 1989

Executive Producers
Ron Leavitt
and
Michael G. Moye

Supervising Producer
Richard Gurman

Producers
Sandy Sprung
&
Marcy Vosburgh

Associate Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Gerry Cohen

Written By
Ellen L. Fogle


AL BUNDY.................ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY..............KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES............DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES............AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY..............CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY................DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG............MIKE, THE DOG
NANCY BENDER.............LISA RAGGIO
JACK.....................JACK YATES
VICKY....................CATHERINE CARLEN
EDNA.....................CAROL MANSELL
TODD BITTERMAN...........JAMES NARDINI
SUMO YOSHIRO.............
LEAD SINGER..............MORGAN CAVAT
BASS PLAYER..............PETER MARSHALL
LEAD GUITARIST...........DANNY TIMMS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - EVENING

(KELLY AND BUD SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. IT IS SET FOR DINING. THEY HOLD FORKS AND KNIVES. PEGGY
 ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE, HOLDING A DRESS BAG)

PEGGY   What are you kids doing?

KEL/BUD (CHANTING, POUNDING SILVERWARE) Food! Food! Food!

(PEGGY SITS WITH THEM AND JOINS THE CHANT)

P/K/B   Food! Food! Food!

PEGGY   It's not working. Y'know, it's funny. It didn't work last Thanksgiving either.

BUD     Mom, could we have a little chat about nutrition? Y'know, food. Not those one-a-day-vitamin 
        sandwiches you've been making us for lunch.

KELLY   Yeah, Mom. We've been talking to the other kids at school. They get three meals a day.
        (SUSPICIOUS) And they still have all their teeth.

PEGGY   Kids, don't you understand? Your father doesn't earn enough for this dress and food.
        (TAKES DRESS FROM BAG) Isn't it lovely?

BUD     Exquisite. Pop it in the oven, heat it up.

PEGGY   Here, if you're really hungry, eat this price tag.

(PEGGY GIVES THEM THE PRICE TAG. THEY STARE AT HER)

PEGGY   Someone's got to. Your father will have a fit if he sees it.

(THE KIDS LOOK, REACT. THEN BUD TEARS IT IN HALF AND GIVES HALF TO KELLY)

KELLY   Hey. How come you always get the plastic thread?

BUD     I'm doing it for you, Kell. You know plastic goes right to your thighs. C'mon, Mom, we're
        hungry. Isn't there anything to eat in the house?

(A BEAT, AS THEY ALL TURN TO STARE AT BUCK. HE HAS BEEN LYING ON THE FLOOR. HE RUNS OUT THROUGH
 THE DOG DOOR)

PEGGY   Kids. I know how you feel. I was hungry too, before I stopped at Burger King on the way
        home. But I didn't get this dress just so you couldn't eat... like I did our air
        conditioner in the bedroom. This is important. Daddy and I are going to our High School
        reunion, and I want to really wow them. Mommy deserves to have a little fun, and all I
        hear from you is... (MIMICS) ... "Hungry, hungry, hungry." Jeez, it never ends. Now,
        leave mommy alone and go forage in the freezer.

(THE KIDS OPEN THE FREEZER DOOR. IT'S ALMOST SOLID ICE, WITH ONE SMALL HOLE)

KELLY   Call Geraldo. I think I see the Titanic.

BUD     Get me a blow torch, Kell. (BRAVELY) I'm going in.

(AL ENTERS. KELLY HANDS BUD A HAMMER AND CHISEL. HE BEGINS HAMMERING. AL CROSSES TO THEM)

AL      No, kids. It's the oven you stick your head in.

KELLY   We're mining for food, Daddy.

AL      All right! Break me off an ice burger. Hi Peg. Nice dress. When do they turn off the
        electricity?

PEGGY   Oh, Al. Can't you recognize a bargain when you see one?

AL      Well, we paid thirty thousand for this house. It's worth about four bucks. Throw in what
        you're worth, and obviously I'm not a smart shopper.

PEGGY   Well, it doesn't matter, honey. As long as you're good in bed. And no one can sleep in
        one better than you.

AL      Okay, Peg. What did you buy a new dress for? Oprah having a formal episode?

PEGGY   Al, don't you remember anything?

AL      Not since I said "I do". Then your mother opened her mouth and let me down.

PEGGY   That was a show of affection. That's how she used to carry us all around. Now let's
        forget the past. Tomorrow night we're going for our High School reunion and I want us to
        look nice. Now get your suit out of the hamper and iron it.

AL      I don't want to go to my High School reunion. I just know they're gonna ask me questions
        I can't answer. Like, "How ya doin'?" "How's it goin'?" And the ever-painful, "Who did
        you marry?"

PEGGY   Not to mention the old conversation stopper, "What does your husband make?"

AL      Look, Peg. We're not going.

PEGGY   Yes we are, Al. You promised you'd take me the night you didn't take me to our Senior
        Prom.

AL      Hey, we had a great time that night, didn't we?

PEGGY   Oh yeah, wall to wall magic. Watching sports on TV at my father's house. You drank all
        his beer. I said I love you. You said, "Shut up, I can't hear the game." Then we had sex
        on my father's coat. You were quite a tiger that night, Al.

AL      Yeah. Well, who thought I'd ever see you again after that.

BUD     I got something here, Kell. It could be edible. It's... (PULLING SOMETHING FROM THE ICY
        DEPTHS) ... It's Freddy! My goldfish! The one we froze till they found a cure for
        whatever was killing him.

KELLY   You were only five then Bud, so we didn't tell you. What was killing him was that we
        didn't feed him.

BUD     (TOUCHED) Oh, Freddy. (BEAT, THEN) Dibs on the head!

KELLY   I get the head.

BUD     He was my pet.

KELLY   Can we please just fry him up and argue afterwards?

(SHE GETS A PAN. BUD GOES TO PUT HIM IN THE PAN. HE STOPS)

BUD     Kell, I can't. I just can't eat Freddy. I mean, he lived in my room.

KELLY   Well, so does fungus. Where do you draw the line?

BUD     At a fish I was proud to call my friend. Let's go out and feed him to a cat. He would
        have wanted it that way.

(THEY HEAD OUT)

KELLY   I dunno. I like to think Freddy would have liked us to eat him up.

BUD     If it helps, look at it like we're fattening up a cat.

(THEY EXIT)

PEGGY   I'm glad they're gone. They were depressing me. Al, there's no way you're not taking me
        to this reunion. I gave up being queen of our prom for you. Don't you think it's time you 
        give up something for me?

AL      Peg, you gave up the chance to prance around with a plastic tiara on your head. Me, I've
        only given up one entire life. Shame on me for being a selfish moke.

PEGGY   Oh, Al. I never wanted your life. I just took it because it was there. But reunion queen
        is important to me. I know I can win. The only competition I have to worry about is Nancy 
        Bender.

AL      (FONDLY) Yeah, I remember Nancy Bender.

PEGGY   What do you remember, Al?

AL      I remember her father had a great coat.

(PEGGY STARES AT HIM)

AL      (SUAVE) But no one had a nicer coat than your dad.

PEGGY   You really mean that, Al?

AL      As much as I meant, "I do."

PEGGY   I know what you're trying to do, Al. You're trying to make me mad so I'll tell you to
        stay home. Well, it didn't work at our wedding and it's not going to work now. You're
        definitely going to this reunion, and I'm definitely gonna win Reunion Queen.

SFX: DOORBELL

AL      How do you know?

PEGGY   Well, I took my own little poll, made a few phone calls...

AL      How many calls, Peg?

SFX: DOORBELL

(AL OPENS THE DOOR. A SUITED PHONE COMPANY REP., MR. BITTERMAN, ENTERS)

MR. B   Hi. Todd Bitterman. Phone Company. I just wanted to shake the hand of the man whose
        finger dialed two thousand dollars worth of phone calls in an eight hour period. You'll
        be extra proud to know you're a shoe-in for the record highest phone bill without a
        nine-seven-six number. So, on behalf of the Phone Company, we've brought you this token
        of our esteem. Your phone bill.

(BUD AND KELLY ENTER)

MR. B   Kids, do you have your own phones?

(AL SLAMS THE DOOR ON MR. BITTERMAN)

AL      Two thousand dollars, Peg?

PEGGY   Hey, it wasn't all me. Look. (SHOWS HIM THE BILL) You can't blame me for this call you
        made to the bank when I bounced all those checks. But you don't hear me screaming cause
        you were too cheap to just drive there.

AL      Peg. Is there more to this queen thing than you're telling me? Do you have to be a widow
        to get the crown.

PEGGY   Don't you understand, Al? Being Reunion Queen for me is like... well, you don't have a
        dream.

AL      Oh, yes I do. The problem is, how do I get you to the middle of the lake?

BUD     Well, there's obviously no food down here. C'mon, Kelly. Let's go upstairs and check the
        webs for spiders.

KELLY   Just don't give me any of that, "Hey, don't eat him. That's Stanley." 'Cause if it moves, 
        it's dinner.

(THEY EXIT)

AL      Peg, how come everybody knows where to find food in this house but me?

SFX: DOORBELL

(PEGGY ANSWERS THE DOOR TO STEVE AND MARCY. THEY LEAD BUCK IN)

STEVE   Al, your dog burst into our house and hid under our bed. He does that every day around
        suppertime. Quite frankly, he needs a bath and won't listen to a word we say.

PEGGY   (LOOKING AT AL) I've been there.

AL      And anyplace she hasn't been, she's called.

(MARCY SEES THE NEW DRESS)

MARCY   What a beautiful dress. I just saw it on Michigan Avenue. (CATTY) But my husband didn't 
        think we could afford it. See, Steve? Al doesn't mind spending five hundred dollars on
        his wife.

AL      Is that what I spent on you, Pookie? Not the two hundred that broke me, but the five
        hundred that's gonna send me cartwheeling to the grave?

PEGGY   Oh, Al, what's the difference? Another month in debtor's prison? Doesn't it matter to you
        that I look nice for our High School reunion?

AL      I care as much about that as I do about whether I live out the night.

PEGGY   (TO STEVE AND MARCY) I'm going to be Reunion Queen.

MARCY   Oh, how exciting! But if you're going to be queen you can't just go in a five hundred
        dollar dress. You have to accessorize properly. We could get you a beautiful beaded
        evening purse if you'd be willing to bounce a check for another two hundred dollars.

PEGGY   (TO AL) Would you mind, honey?

STEVE   So, what are you up for, Al? The coveted "He'd be better off dead award"?

AL      Okay, everybody. Let me put this as plainly as I can. I rule this house. I pay for it, I
        rot within its walls, and I make the decision. My decision is, save that dress for my
        funeral, 'cause we're not, no chance, no way, no how, going to that reunion.

(BEAT)

MARCY   (TO PEGGY) And you're going to have to buy some shoes. (EXCITEDLY) Oh, Peggy. Queen.
        I'm so happy for you.

STEVE   Well, Al, if Peggy's queen, that makes you, what, the three of clubs?

(AL REACTS AND LOOKS MISERABLE)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

(STEVE AND MARCY ARE TALKING EXCITEDLY WITH PEGGY ABOUT BEING QUEEN)

AL      (TO HIMSELF) I don't understand. The father's the boss, isn't he? Robert Young was the
        boss. Fred McMurray got some respect. Even Fred Flintstone got his way once or twice.
        You're telling me I'm not the man Fred Flintstone is? Why do I go on?

MARCY   Oh, come on, Al. Reunions are fun. Every now and then you have to take a stroll down
        memory lane and say hi to Mr. Days Gone By. Steve and I couldn't wait to go to our
        respective reunions. Why the failures of our former classmates were even greater than we
        hoped and dreamed.

STEVE   Yeah. Remember that hot shot visual aids captain, Marcus Belsky? He's a tow truck
        operator now. (THEY LAUGH) Steal my compass, will you? Well rot in Hell, Belsky.

MARCY   And how about that snot nosed pom pom slut Courtney Pierce? Most likely to succeed. Well, 
        she suceeded in growing a mustache and bagging groceries for three-twenty an hour.

(SHE LAUGHS HAPPILY)

STEVE   Yeah, that's what reunions are for. To laugh and point at the pitiful. You know, Al. The
        wretches, the failures, the people who didn't accomplish a damn thing since High School.
        Oh, sorry, Al. That's you.

AL      You know, Barney Rubble wasn't much, but at least he was supportive, Steve.

STEVE   Marcy, let's go home, punch up some of our old classmates credit ratings on the computer
        and make love by the flickering ashes of their lives.

MARCY   Oh, Steve. We'll make a bed of our negotiable securities, and do the wild thing.

(THEY EXIT)

PEGGY   How come we don't have any negotiable securities, Al?

AL      Because my wild thing broke me.

PEGGY   Fine. Get all this broke talk out of you system, because when we get to the reunion I
        want you to treat me like a queen's husband -- what do they call them? Worker Bees --
        should.

AL      Peg. You can cry, you can scream, you can threaten sex, but I'm not going to the reunion.

PEGGY   Listen, Al, you said, "I'm not taking you to the Prom." I said fine. You said, "I'll just 
        be a shoe salesman for a few months till I get my feet off the ground." I said fine. You
        said, "I don't know what's wrong, I'm just tired." I said fine. But I'm not saying fine
        anymore. We are going to this reunion. And you're going to say, "Boy, am I a lucky guy
        to be married to the Queen." And if people ask what you do, you're going to lie and say
        you have a better job. You're going to say you're a garbageman.

(KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS. THEY STOP ON THE LANDING AND WATCH AL AND PEGGY DURING THE
 FOLLOWING)

AL      I don't wanna go to the reunion. Can't we just forget about the good times and get on
        with our lives?

PEGGY   No, Al. (BEAT) C'mon, puddin'. My little wittle hunky bear.

AL      Don't do this, Peg. You know it shrivels all my working parts.

PEGGY   My yummy wummy hairy tummy. My simple wimple pimple bottom.

(KELLY AND BUD LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND GO BACK UPSTAIRS)

PEGGY   Please. We don't have to stay long. Just long enough for me to get elected, have my
        picture taken, and make Nancy Bender's armpits flow with envy. I'll be a good girl the
        rest of my life. I'll never ever ask you for anything ever ever again. Okay,
        donkey-wonkey?

AL      All right. All right. I'll do anything. Just shut up, okay?

PEGGY   (SUDDENLY BRISK) Fine, but as long as you insist on going, there are going to be rules.
        First, that little weasel friend of yours. What was his name, Eli? I don't want you even
        talking to him. He could get you to do anything, as long as it was stupid.

AL      Eli was a good guy, Peg.

PEGGY   Good guys don't say, "Hey, Bundy. Lower your head and run into a brick wall. I got twenty 
        ridin' on you."

(AL SMILES FONDLY AT THE MEMORY)

AL      (PROUD) No one had ever done that before.

PEGGY   I like to think that if you didn't, you might have actually had a shot at being a
        garbageman. Now, rule number two. I don't want you getting into any fights, particularly
        with Jack.

AL      Jack. Yeah, I remember Jack. I don't like Jack. He had a thing about being the best. He
        was always trying to top me. I'd make the team, he'd make the team. I'd break a record,
        he'd break a record. Me and Jack split the school right down the middle. Half for him,
        half for me. Then, on Graduation Day, we were finally gonna have it out. Just him and me
        until somebody dropped. But then something happened.

PEGGY   I think that "something" was Eli betting you couldn't jump over a Mustang doing fifty.

AL      I was two inches short, Peg. If my toe had just cleared the driver's nose I would've won
        that ten dollars. And that fight with Jack. And played college ball. And married a
        debutante. And been rich and happy. (LOOKS AT PEGGY) But, things worked out just great
        anyway. I have no complaints. Oh, God.

(HE PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. KELLY AND BUD ENTER)

BUD     Hey, Dad.

AL      Leave old Dad alone for a few minutes, will you, kids?

BUD     This is important, Dad. We were checking the house for food and we found an empty spider
        web and a beer can nearby. Anything you want to tell us?

PEGGY   Daddy's heaving a breakdown, kids. But good news. Daddy agreed to take me to the reunion
        tomorrow night. It's going to be great. Dancing, old friends, food...

KELLY   (SARCASTIC) We're so happy for you, Mom. By the way, while you're queening, what are we
        supposed to eat?

PEGGY   Okay, kids. I was saving this for a surprise, but... I have some orange flavored baby
        aspirin in the medicine cabinet upstairs.

KELLY   (EXCITEDLY) Thanks, Mom.

BUD	You want the cotton, Dad?

AL	(MUSES) Two stinkin' inches.

(THE KIDS SHRUG AND RUSH UPSTAIRS. PEGGY HAPPILY SITS NEXT TO AL AND HUGS HIM)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT

MUSIC CUE: SWEET SOUL MUSIC

(A BAD VERSION IS BEING PLAYED BY "THE WHY": A GROUP OF FORTY-ISH MEN WHO ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT, AND
 BAD. THEIR DRUMMER WEARS TEN RINGS. A CUTE GO GO GIRL DANCES IN A CAGE, LIKE ON THE SHOW
 "HULLABALOO". THE ROOM IS FULL OF POLK HIGH REUNION CELEBRANTS)

LEAD SI (SINGING VERY BADLY AND VERY WHITELY AND SLIGHTLY SLOW) DO YOU LIKE GOOD MUSIC? YEAH, 
        YEAH. SWEET SOUL MUSIC? YEAH, YEAH. THAT MOVIN' AND A GROOVIN'. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. OH,
        YEAH. SPOTLIGHT ON JAMES BROWN Y'ALL. HE'S THE KING OF THEM ALL, YA'LL. OH YEAH. OH YEAH.

(SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY DANCE TO THIS. THE SONG ENDS WITH A GUITAR CHORD. AL AND PEGGY ENTER)

PEGGY   This is going to be so much fun.

AL      (MUTTERS) Two lousy inches.

PEGGY   Al, you've got the rest of your life to be depressed. But this should be a happy night
        for both of us. Now, just get out of my way so my friends can recognize me.

(LONG BEAT. PEOPLE WALK BY WITHOUT RECOGNIZING PEGGY. SHE THINKS A BEAT, THEN COVERS HER MOUTH
 AND DISGUISES HER VOICE)

PEGGY   Hey look! There's Peggy Bundy! I mean Peggy Wanker! Doesn't she look great!

(WOMEN RUN OVER TO PEGGY. THE WOMEN WALLA "PEGGY! PEGGY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT", ETC.)

EDNA    Peggy! Peggy Wanker. You look excatly the same. Whatever happened to that good looking
        sex machine you were sporting around town?

(AL CLEARS HIS THROAT AND LOOKS COCKY)

EDNA    You know. Phil Fleming.

(AL REACTS)

PEGGY   While some were jumping over cars, Phil wasted his time studying and went on to become a
        self-made millionaire. On the other hand, meet my husband, Al.

EDNA    Of course. Al Bundy. You look the same too, Al. What a shame.

AL      How's it goin', Edna? You don't look a day over, what, a thousand? How do you do it?

(PEGGY ELBOWS HIM)

PEGGY   Oh, ignore him, much like success has.

(AL STARTS TO LEAVE. SHE GRABS HIM AND STOPS HIM)

PEGGY   So everybody, do I have your votes for Reunion Queen?

VICKY   Of course you do. 

(THEY ALL WALLA AGREEMENT)

VICKY   But you didn't have to call me all the way in New Mexico just to ask. 

(AL REACTS)

VICKY   That must have cost you a fortune.

PEGGY   (PROUDLY) Two thousand dollar phone bill that month.

(THE WOMEN "OOH", IMPRESSED)

VICKY   Al, you must really be raking it in.

AL      Hey, that two grand is a drop in the bucket compared to what I owe.

EDNA    Peggy, have you checked your votes? That Nancy Bender has been working the room.

PEGGY   Just like the old times. She's probably pretty popular. You can hardly buy anything for
        a nickel anymore.

(THE GIRLS LAUGH CATTILY)

VICKY   Well, I'm gonna go circulate. See you girls later. Peggy, you keep taking care of that
        big lug.

(VICKY EXITS)

PEGGY   He's my whole life.

(AL TURNS TO LOOK AROUND. THERE IS AN IRON-SHAPED BURN MARK ON THE BACK OF HIS SUIT. NANCY WALKS
 UP. SHE TAPS PEGGY ON THE SHOULDER)

NANCY   Excuse me ma'am. I'd like to order a drink. Peggy? "Peggy Wanker, don't bother to
        thank'er"?

PEGGY   Nancy? "Nancy Bender, suck the chrome off a fender"? Hi!

(THEY FAKE SMILES AND LAUGHTER)

NANCY   Al. You are looking fantastic. Do you remember me, Al?

AL      Yeah, but, wow, what happened?

(SHE REACTS)

AL      I mean, you look different standing up.

(NANCY GIGGLES GIRLISHLY)

NANCY   He was always a charmer. So what are you doing these days, Al?

PEGGY   (PROUDLY) He's a garbage man. What about you Nancy? Are you married, or still working
        your way West?

(THEY FAKE SMILES, LAUGHTER)

NANCY   Oh, I'm married. Honey!

(JACK RESPONDS TO HER CALL, JOINS THEM)

NANCY   You remember Jack, don't you?

JACK    Peggy.

(AL AND JACK UNCONSCIOUSLY START TO CIRCLE ONE ANOTHER)

AL      Jack.

JACK    Al. You're looking good.

AL      You too, Jack.

JACK    Wanna go outside?

(AL SMILES, NODS. THEY START AWAY. PEGGY STOPS AL)

PEGGY   Not now boys! This is a reunion! No need to take up exactly where we left off! If we
        did that, Nancy'd be in the coat room with the band.

NANCY   Peggy, did you hear the good news? I'm going to be Reunion Queen. Care to be my Hag
        In-Waiting?

PEGGY   Nancy. You're wrong. Much as you're wrong in thinking women don't need deodorant. 

(THEY START TO CIRCLE)

PEGGY   I'm going to be Reunion Queen tonight. Check your numbers, baby. I'm ahead by a cool
        three votes. I know. I called everywhere in the Enflish-speaking world.

NANCY   That was your mistake. Well, that and that dress. (CALLS OFF) Oh, Sumo! See, Peggy, I
        think you forgot our foreign exchange students.

(FOUR JAPANESE WOMEN JOIN THEM)

NANCY   Remember the Yoshiro sisters? Well, I flew them in from Tokyo. By the way, Sumo? Who are
        you voting for?

SUMO    She who hold our passports.

(THE YOSHIROS BOW AND EXIT. NANCY SMILES AND LAUGHS AT PEGGY. PEGGY TURNS BACK TO AL, WHO IS
 CIRCLING WITH JACK)

PEGGY   Al, did you hear that? I'm not going to be Reunion Queen.

AL      (OBLIVIOUS, TO JACK) Nice suit.

JACK    Nice tie.

AL      Wanna go outside?

(PEGGY POUTS AS NANCY GLOATS)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO