Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog............Buck


Guest Cast

Teresa Ganzel...........Heather
Pauly Shore.............Captain
Christian Jacobs........Shep
Dyland Kussman..........Butch



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch. Kelly is reading a magazine and Bud is doing his
homework. They casually hit one another as they sit.
Al enters, looks at the kids and grunts for them to move. The kids move so Al can sit between
them.

AL     Peg. Dinner.

BUD    Peg no home.

KELLY  She go shop. We no eat.

AL     Kelly, why don't you cook something up for old dad to eat?

KELLY  Daddy, I am practically a woman, I don't cook. Why don't you just do what I do when I get
       hungry - get a date?

BUD    And slit your skirt up to your chin.

AL     Bud, you don't date, how do you eat?

BUD    Well, just like the proud Indian I've learned to live off the land. For instance... Well,
       let me show you what I mean.

Al follows Bud into the kitchen.

BUD    Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, 
       a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peal the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose
       of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for
       soup.

AL     Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go!

Al and Bud start hunting for food. 
Peggy enters with shopping bags.

PEGGY  [to Kelly] Oh hi, Kelly. Honey, help me hide these before your father gets home.

Peggy looks across to the kitchen just as Al and Bud look up at her.

PEGGY  Oh, haha. Hi, Al!

AL     Thanks, Peg. I had a french fry on the hook and you made me drop it.

PEGGY  It'll be there tomorrow. You know, I have a bone to pick with you, Al.

AL     There wouldn't be any meat on it, would there?

PEGGY  No. I am really upset. I went shopping today. You know, spending here, spending there, to
       warm up for some serious shopping. Well, just when I was loose and ready - BAM. You ran
       out of money. Look at these bags. This is what you make, Al. ALL of it.

Al stares wide-eyed at Peg's shopping efforts.

PEGGY  I must be the most patient woman on Earth. Kids, I'm sorry you had to hear this.

KELLY  Oh, I wasn't listening, Mom. [stands] Oh uh, Dad, can we have some money to go out to
       dinner?

AL     Kids, today's Thursday. You know we don't eat till Friday.

PEGGY  Al, you are a total disgrace. [She gets some money out of her bag] Come here, kids. [She
       gives Bud and Kelly some money] Here you go. You can always depend on Mom.

KELLY  Thanks, Mom.
BUD    Thanks, Mom.

The both give Peggy a kiss on the cheek, then look back at Al distastefully. 
Then Bud and Kelly leave. 

PEGGY  There. You happy, Al? Now I'm broke too. Well, we may as well face it. We just can't make
       it as a single income family anymore. Me and the girls talked about it over lunch, and we
       all agree you'll just have to get a second job.  

AL     You're that afraid I'll live out the year, Peg? 

PEGGY  What's wrong with you getting a second job?

AL     Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can
       opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size
       of a garden hose, before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Al goes back to his hunting.

PEGGY  Think it over, we'll talk about it later.

AL     Damn ants got the gum. [Puts down his hanger] I have to get one of my fishing rods. [Al
       starts to walk away, but stops to speak to Peg] Oh, and Peg, by the way, have I told you
       today that I love you?

PEGGY  No, Al.

Al doesn't say anything but nods his head disgustedly. Peggy gives Al a look as he goes upstairs.
Marcy enters.

MARCY  Hi Peggy. I know it's dinnertime, but I wanted to catch you before you called in your
       order.

PEGGY  Gee, I'm glad you're here. I am working out a way to increase our income.

MARCY  Oh, you're looking for a job?

PEGGY  Oh, come on. It's for Al! He really needs a second job. I mean, he comes home from work
       and has nothing to do but sit back and watch that TV. That's no kind of life for a man!
       [She picks up a newspaper] This should revitalise him. [reading an ad] Hey, chicken
       plucker! Pays more than a shoe salesman. Uh oh, "must have good personality." Oh well.
       [reading another ad] Hmmm, sperm donors. Whoops, they want someone with experience. 

MARCY  You know, I have a friend who runs a pit bull training school. Does Al have a protective
       cup?

PEGGY  What for? [laughs] I'll put it down as a maybe.

MARCY  Yeah, well, think about it. He could make his way up to the guy with the tranquilliser
       gun.

PEGGY  I don't know. Al's aim isn't very good. You've seen our bathroom.

MARCY  And your children.

PEGGY  [reading from another ad] Now this looks perfect: "No skills, no experience, no brain
       required."

MARCY  Well, that's everything but his name!

PEGGY  Listen. "The Patty Brite Company is looking for you to distribute an exciting new line of
       Patty Brite cosmetics. Unlimited growth potential, work in your own home, earn lots of
       S's."

MARCY  Those are dollar signs, Peg.

PEGGY  Even better! Then it's settled. Al is going to be a Patty girl.

MARCY  Don't you think you should check with Al?

PEGGY  Hey, I did not have two children checking with Al.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

The kitchen.
Peggy is getting coffee for herself and a woman from Patty Brite Cosmetics named Heather.

HETHR  Generally, we feel that you are your own best advertiser. So we like our Patty girls to
       wear our cosmetics. Would your husband have a problem wearing make-up?

PEGGY  Madam, my husband sells women's shoes.

HETHR  Oh! Well, at least that shows he'll do anything. [She takes a sip of Peg's coffee and
       cringes at the taste] Very good! And after a few months of selling Patty products, he'll
       be able to dump that day job. I dumped my day job!

PEGGY  What was your day job?

HETHR  Phone sex.

PEGGY  You make that much? Oh, this is too good for Al. Tell me more.
 
HETHR  Well, there are the Patty Parties.

PEGGY  You go to parties?

HETHR  That's the job! You see, you throw parties, have your friends over, then watch the
       products sell themselves while you just sit back and do nothing.

PEGGY  Well, I can do that! And to think I was just giving it away. Well, what do I need to
       start?

HETHR  Just a deep and abiding belief in make-up. [She shows Peggy a large bag] And our super
       deluxe Patty Party Starter Kit.

PEGGY  Well, how much does that cost?

HETHR  250 dollars. [Peggy sighs in disappointment] Oh, but that's just a drop in the bucket
       compared to your first month's commish!

PEGGY  Well, how much "commish" are we talking about? [Patty holds up a check to show Peggy]
       Whoa! Will you take a check?

HETHR  Sure.

PEGGY  Does it have to be good?

HETHR  No! We'll just put a lean against your husband's wages!

PEGGY  I'm in!!

They both laugh happily.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

The Bundy house exterior with the caption: ' Three Weeks Later ' is seen. 
Inside, Peggy is placing an order over the phone.

PEGGY  Yes, I did get last week's commish. And a nice commish it was too! Okay, here's this
       week's order: [reads from a paper] One dozen Patty powder puffs, a quart of Chin-A-Way,
       One dozen 'He'll Think They're Someone Else's Eyes' Liner, and one vat of [sexy grunt]
       perfume. In addition to my regular order. Okay, thanks. And you have a Patty day too!

She hangs up.
Kelly, Bud and Al enter. 

KELLY  That was delicious, Daddy.

BUD    Oh, yeah. We're sorry you didn't have enough money for you to eat, Dad.

AL     That's okay, that sugar water really filled me up. What matters is that you two had a
       nice, nutritious meal. I just hope that my begging and whining didn't bother you.

KELLY  Well, not after we had the waiter kick you out.

PEGGY  Al, can I ask you something?

AL     No, we can't have any more children.

Kelly and Bud nod in agreement.

PEGGY  Not that. If ever the day should come that I find a little job, is it alright if I keep
       the money I make?

AL     Peg, if ever the day comes that somebody pays you for what you do, grab it and spend it
       quickly. Because the world is coming to an end!

PEGGY  Thank you, Al! Thank you! [sits on the couch with the other Bundys] Look what I made!

She shows them her check.

BUD    Look at the check! With Mom's name on it!

KELLY  [sweetly] We love you, Mommy.

PEGGY  Save your breath. Daddy said I could keep it.

AL     Okay, Peg, we know that Oprah isn't paying people to watch TV with their mouths open, so
       how'd you get the money?

PEGGY  I am a Patty Brite girl. I sell cosmetics in my spare time.

AL     So it's a full time job.

PEGGY  No, but it's full time pay.

KELLY  Gee, Dad, Mom makes more than you. 

BUD    Do we still have to call him Dad?

KELLY  [to Peggy] Or do we call you Dad?

PEGGY  Well, I think this check speaks for itself. But let's go to the mall now. You can watch 
       me spend.

Peggy and Kelly get ready to leave.

BUD    Dad, can you pinpoint for us the exact moment that life passed you by?

AL     Son, life didn't pass me by. It sat on my head.

KELLY  Well, I still love you, Daddy. I just don't have any respect for you.

AL     Well, Pumpkin, the feeling is mutual.

Kelly gives Al a kiss and joins Peggy and Bud at the front door.

PEGGY  Oh, don't worry, Al. It's not like I'm gonna rub your nose in it. [She opens the front
       door and calls out] Everyone! Guess what? I make more money than my husband! 

Peggy, Kelly and Bud laugh, then leave.
Al gets up and walks over to Buck.

AL     Well, I guess when you get right down to it, all a guy has is his dog.

Buck growls at him and Al recoils.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al is sitting alone in the living room. He has a plate on his knees, with a piece of bread on it.
He gingerly takes the cap off a tube of toothpaste and squeezes it over the bread. He puts the
other slice of bread on his toothpaste sandwich and prepares to eat it. We hear a childhood
memory of Al's.

MOM    [in Al's head] Well, Al, what do you want to be when you grow up?

KID AL [in Al's head] President of the United States.

MOM    [in Al's head] Then some day you will be!

AL     Yeah right, Mom, try saying that when you're sober.

Al is about to eat his toothpaste sandwich when the doorbell rings. Al answers it to Steve.

AL     Oh, what do you want, Steve? I was about to eat and fight cavities.

STEVE  I just heard the news about Peggy's income. Actually, I didn't hear about it, the
       neighborhood women spray-painted it on your car.

AL     Are you sure it was paint? Or was it man blood?

STEVE  Oh, buck up, Al. [He sits next to Al on the couch] So Peggy's got a bigger income than
       you. So what? Does that make you any less of a man? Well, sure, if you believe what's
       written on your car... but that aside, there are plenty of positives to a two-income
       family.

AL     Like what? Begging the wife for some extra cash?

STEVE  Well, if you ask her just right, you can walk away with some nice pin money. I know, you
       give up a little...

AL     Steve, you've seen my life. A little is all I've got!

STEVE  I know, Al. But the important thing is, woman have to work. For their self esteem. I'm
       proud of Marcy. I mean, even if we have to share the cooking duties because she's tired
       from work. But my mother worked and she cooked everyday! Good, too. Not like those frozen
       fish sticks and tater tots Marcy calls dinner. But, I'm happy! Yep, I'm just a... a happy
       tater-tottin', fish-stickin' man.

Steve hangs his head in his hands.

AL     Pretty pathetic, Steve. 

STEVE  No kiddin'.

Steve takes Al's toothpaste sandwich and gets ready to eat it.

AL     Well, at least yours has a skill. I mean, if Peggy could nag in sign language, she
       wouldn't need a head at all! How can she earn more than me? I can't - [Steve bites into
       the sandwich and both men realise what he's done] Would you like some floss with that,
       Steve? [Steve slowly tries to finish his mouthful of food] I can't let her beat me. What
       I've got to do is get a second job and not tell Peg. That why it'll seem that I'm a better 
       salesman than her, and I'll get back my self respect.

Steve opens the sandwich and looks inside.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

The meal preparation section of Burger Trek, a fast food burger place.
Al, wearing a Burger Trek uniform, gets two shovel fulls of lettuce and puts it in a 
container on the counter. Some of lettuce falls on the floor, so he picks it up and adds 
it to the pile. The Captain calls out to Al over the microphone.

CAPTN  Beam me up a burger, Bundy, warp speed.

AL     People out there dying for kangaroo, huh?

CAPTN  That's right, tell the world, Bundy.

Al prepares a burger - meat, lettuce, onion, pickles, tomatoes, squirts from three different
sauce bottles; places it on the wrapper, hits it once to squash it down, carelessly wraps it and
shoves it down the chute.

CAPTN  You didn't make the noise, Bundy.

Al reluctantly walks back over to the microphone.

AL     Whoosh.

The Captain enters with the burger Al made.

CAPTN  Hey, we got a lot of unhappy passengers out there croonin', Bundy.

AL     Talk to me like a person.

CAPTN  Oh, um, okay, um, like, old dude? Um, I had to leave the bridge to tell you this, but
       we've had a lot of complaints about this burger.

AL     What's wrong?

CAPTN  You tell me what's wrong.

AL     Some pouch get in there?

CAPT   Look, there's no place at Burger Trek for a rebel, Bundy. Come on, you know, like, we've
       got like a mission to accomplish.

CAPTN  To go where no burger has gone before.
AL     To go where no burger has gone before.

CAPTN  Okay, yeah right, that's good. Well, let's just start from the beginning, 'kay? What goes
       on a hamburger?

AL     Tomatoes, onions, ketchup, pickles and a squirt of beef squeeze-its. 

CAPT   Now that is our special sauce, Bundy and it goes on last. You've been putting yours on
       first and uh, it's been washing the coloring off the tomatoes. Get with the program,
       Bundy! You're a disgrace to the hat. Oh, clean your station.

The Captain goes back out.

AL     Marry a redhead.

Two young Burger Trek workers, Shep and Butch, enter the back room. Shep is carrying three boxes
that read: KETCHUP SUBSTITUTE, CHEESE SUBSTITUTE, MEAT SUBSTITUTE. He opens up the KETCHUP
SUBSTITUTE while Butch grabs a bucket of water. 

SHEP   When I took this job, they didn't say anything about cooking.

He pours the pink powder into a large bucket, and throws the box over his shoulder. 
Butch adds the water and starts stirring the ingredients. 

BUTCH  Oh, there's some burger fur in there! Why isn't Bundy doing this?

SHEP   The Captain didn't think he was ready.

Al walks past them carrying a shovel. Shep and Butch watch him.

BUTCH  I mean, look at the poor old guy. Why would a... sixty year old man wanna work in this
       dump?

AL     To meet chicks!

Shep and Butch nod understandably. Al goes back his section.
The Captain comes in with another burger.

CAPTN  Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.

AL     [into the microphone] Whoosh!

CAPTN  No, nononono, it's not that. You pulled another burger boner.

AL     What I do, send one out hot?

CAPTN  No, you sent one out without onions.

AL     [sarcastically] Damn.

CAPTN  Look, Bundy. Hey, I'm not a bad guy. Let's just talk, you know, dude to dude. Okay? See,
       I'm up on the bridge and I'm trying to do my homework. I mean, what do you want me to do?
       Flunk out of school and become like a bum or a shoe salesman? Look, just get back to work. 
       God, I never should have fired my dad.

The Captain leaves. 
Al starts repairing the burger. The Captain makes an announcement over the speaker.

CAPTN  Would the crewman who overflowed the toilet please report to the bridge?

Al looks guilty.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE 

Al and Steve are sitting at the kitchen table. There are lots of checks and bits of paper on the
table. Steve is looking at one of the checks. Steve also has another one of Al's sandwiches on a
plate.

STEVE  Here's another commission check from Patty Brite Cosmetics.

Al takes the check.

AL     How does she do it, Steve? How can she make more money than a man who sells shoes AND
       burgers??

STEVE  Al, I made more than you losing a tooth when I was a kid. 

AL     [waving a fist at him] Well, how would you like a fortune tonight, Steve!? I can't believe
       it. She can't sell more than me! Her customers must be morons. A list of idiots like that
       could be really worth a fortune to a good salesman. Damn, I wish I could find that list!

Al throws down a small book he was holding. Steve picks it up again.

STEVE  Well, maybe there's a clue in this book that says "Peggy's Customers."

AL     Give me that, Steve, that might be it. Now get a pen and write this down [Steve prepares
       to write. Al reads the list of names from the book] Ah, here we go. Peggy Bundy, Peggy
       Bundy, Peggy Bundy... Ah, here it is. Peggy Bundy, Peggy Bundy...

STEVE  Look, Al, why don't we skip over her and get to the people who actually bought the
       cosmetics?

AL     Alrighty... Peggy Bundy, Peggy Bundy, Peggy Bundy. She's her own customer, Steve! All 
       this time she's been buying this stuff herself!

Steve laughs.

STEVE  Al, your life is pathetic.

Marcy calls out from next door.

MARCY  Steve! The fish sticks are thawing.

Al smiles smugly at Steve.

STEVE  Carp tonight! Yum!

Steve starts to leave, then decides to take the sandwich with him. 
He puts in his pocket and leaves. Al sits on the couch and calls out to Peggy.

AL     Oh Peg, could you come here a minute please?

Peggy comes downstairs happily and sits next to Al.

PEGGY  What is it, Al? Did I get another commission check? Did I? Did I? huh, huh?

AL     You did.

PEGGY  Weeeee!

AL     Yes, "we" indeed. Peg, since you're now an entrepreneur, I thought it would be a good 
       idea for you to learn something about business. 

PEGGY  From you?

AL     Why not? You've taken everything else from me. You see, Pookie, since you're the only one
       buying your cosmetics, you're not making any money.

PEGGY  Oh, yes I am. They send me checks.

AL     Ah yes, but you send them much bigger ones. And that's what we call in the world of
       business "sending your husband rocketing to the poor house!" Why didn't you sell any
       make-up, Peg?

PEGGY  Well, like I told the girls, it's not very good.

AL     Then why did you keep buying it?

PEGGY  Because that's how I make my money!

Al starts crying.

AL     How much do we owe for the cosmetics, Peg??

PEGGY  Minus my commission?

AL     [darkly] Yes.

PEGGY  623 dollars.

AL     Well, at least you're not in real estate.

Al stands.

PEGGY  Where are you going?

AL     We owe a lot of money, Peg. I know what I have to do.


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Burger Trek.
A crappily prepared burger comes down the chute and plops onto a tray.

CAPTN  [V.O.] You didn't make the noise, Bundy.

Inside the preparation area, an unhappy Peggy is revealed as the person who made the burger. 
Her uniform and apron are very dirty, and she is smoking.

PEGGY  Whoosh.



THE END


DIRECTED BY  GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY  RICHARD GURMAN
CREATED BY RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER  BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS  MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT

EXECUTIVE SCRIPT CONSULTANT  ELLEN L. FOGLE
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR  RALPH R. FARQUHAR
CASTING  TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING  RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION  MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER  DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR  BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR  RICHARD STEIR
STAGE MANAGERS  RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE  KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR  SUSAN JANG
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR  SAM W. ORENDER
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY  THOMA W. MARKLE
AUDIO  J. MARK KING
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS  LARRY HARRIS, TIM CLARK
RE-RECORDING  MARTI D. HUMPHREY, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
COSTUMES  MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER  MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP  NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST  DOTTIE MCQUOWN
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY BY FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS  DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
COPYRIGHT (C) 1989 ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION  ED LAMMI
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company