Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison...........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog.............Buck 

Guest cast:

Mike Hagerty.............Coroner
David Ruprecht...........Mr Mallman
Edan Gross...............Carl
Michael Faustino.........Nestor
Robert Petkoff...........Delivery Boy



OPENING CREDITS


 The following depicts a Bundy Christmas.
 It could be upsetting to small children and others.
 Parental guidance is suggested.



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch watching a TV commercial. Kelly is making Christmas
 decorations by threading popcorn.

TV     Yes, Christmas Eve is finally here and so is the new Lakeside Mall. Bring the little
       kiddies, we've got six Santas, no waiting, and for you bigger kids; come to the Red Nose
       Bar and meet Santa's very special reindeer - Donna. [Bud smiles and hugs a cushion] So
       come on down, we're open until midnight... Singers?

 A jingle plays that featues a chorus of carol singers plays, "Santa Claus is coming to The
 Lake-side-Mall!" 
 Al struggles up from the basement, carrying a large heavy box which contains "Xmas stuff".

AL     Thanks for the help, kids! Oh, by the way, listen, if you're thinking about what to get
       old dad for Christmas, don't worry about it. You've already given it to him - It's called
       a hernia.

BUD    Dad, Could we go to that new Lakeside Mall? Kelly can shop, you can get bombed and I can
       ride Santa's very special reindeer.

KELLY  Dad, why don't we get Bud one of those scratching posts to rub against? You know, it'll
       save the furniture.

BUD    You really wanna save the furniture, Kel? Why don't you stop putting notches on your bed
       posts?

AL     Now Bud, apologize to your sister.

BUD    No!

AL     Okay.

KELLY  So Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?

AL     No we can't! And I'll tell you why - That mall is killing your father.

BUD    Oh, I thought Mom was doing that?

AL     Let me tell you kids something about that Lakeside Mall. It's taking away all the business
       from my mall, which if this continues, we'll be broke and living in a cardboard box under
       the L!

BUD    Not us! We'll be in a nice warm foster home. Come on, let's go, Kel!

 Bud and Kelly get up to leave.

AL     Nobody move! That mall is not so great. Just a bunch of stores filled with cheap gaudy
       merchandise that only appeals to the tasteless, low class shopper.

 Peggy enters carrying a Lakeside Mall shopping bag.

PEGGY  [sings] Santa Claus is coming to The Lake-side-Mall! [speaks] Oh God, I love that Lakeside
       Mall! Al, give me some money, I'm going back. Anyone wanna come with me?

 Kelly and Bud answer simultaneously.

KELLY  Yeah!
BUD    I do, I do!

AL     Peggy, I'm ashamed of you.

PEGGY  I know, Al.

AL     Don't you understand? If people keep shopping there, we'll be broke and living under the
       L.

PEGGY  Well, not me. I can always re-marry.

BUD    And we'll be in a foster home.

KELLY  Let's go shopping!

AL     Family, before you go, Will you bring old daddy's shotgun and stand close together?

PEGGY  Come on Al, I only go to that mall because it's so much closer and better than your mall.
       I mean, it's not like I'm buying shoes there. [Bud takes a pair of purple shoes from the
       Lakeside Mall shopping bag] You should see it honey. For Christmas they have these little
       elves that help you with your packages and a real reindeer for the kids to ride. Although
       I think he may be dying.

KELLY  Well then, let's hurry!

PEGGY  Yeah, come on Al! Santa is parachuting into the Mall at five o'clock.

BUD    All right!

AL     Oh, come on! That's not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about family and giving.
       Okay, here is all the crap my family gave us last year. [Al picks up the big box of Xmas
       stuff] It's time for the traditional re-wrapping of this garbage for your family. All
       except Aunt Poo's fruitcake, [Al picks up a fruitcake, wrapped in cellophane] everyone in
       the family already got that.

BUD    Dad, you punted that around the house last year.

AL     We'll give it to Steve and Marcy! Has anyone picked out a tree yet?

PEGGY  Oh, you know the tree in the Ginty house sure is pretty this year, it's got lots of tinsel
       on it!

AL     That'll be our tree. Now kids, that's your job! He throws it out the day after Christmas,
       so bring it home.

BUD    Right, Dad.

 Al sits down on the couch and relaxes.

AL     Well, that about does it for Christmas for this year. I'm tired.

 Kelly sits on Al's knee and hugs him.

KELLY  Aren't you forgetting something... Greatest daddy in the world?

 Bud puts his arm over Al's shoulder.

BUD    ...Coolest dad in the universe.

 Peggy leans over Al's shoulder, from behind the couch.

PEGGY  ...You, who makes my life worth living.

 Peggy kisses Al.

AL     You all want your presents, don't you?

PEGGY  [sarcastically] No, we really love you.

AL     Well, life stinks. Well, OK, [Al kicks Kelly off his knee] let me go and get my Christmas
       bonus and then I'll go and buy your presents.

BUD    Dad, you didn't get our presents yet? It's Christmas Eve, the stores are gonna be packed.

AL     Not in my mall, son.

 Al leaves.

PEGGY  OK, he's gone! Now for Daddy's present. Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of Daddy's
       closet.

KELLY  I'll get a box.

PEGGY  Oh, no, no, no, wait! It's Christmas, we should make it special for him - Bud, get one of
       his shirts too. [excitedly] Oh gosh, I just love Christmas.


 
ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 Al's Christmas present is propped up against a wall. In front of the present is an empty
 Christmas Tree stand and in front of that is Aunt Poo's fruitcake. Peggy stubs out her cigarette
 in the Christmas tree stand.

PEGGY  I can't wait to see Daddy's face when he opens it. [referring to Al's Christmas present]
       That's his favorite shirt.

BUD    Yeah, I saw a belt up there that would be great for his birthday.

 The door bell rings, and Peg goes to open the door. A delivery boy greets Peggy.

DELIV  Hi! Do the Rhoades live here?

PEGGY  Why?

DELIV  I have a delivery for them.

 The delivery boy picks up a big, brightly gift-wrapped package.

PEGGY  Oh, why yes, I'm Mrs. Rhoades. [Peggy takes the package from the delivery boy] Oh, thank
       you. [the delivery boy holds out his hand expecting a tip] Oh gee, I don't have any
       change. Bud, could you take care of that please?
       
 Bud slams the door into the delivery boy's face.

PEGGY  Thank you, dear. [Peggy quickly un-wraps the Christmas gift to The Rhoades] Kids, look at
       what we got from... [Peggy reads a card that was inside the gift] ...The Schmidts, from
       Philadelphia!

Al enters.

PEGGY  Hey honey, look what we got from the Schmidts.

 Al glances over at the gift.

AL     Ahh, they're good people.

BUD    Dad, I don't see any presents.

KELLY  He probably has them in the car, stupid. Don't you, Dad?

AL     Well, you know how... even when we didn't have too much money, we could always look at the
       poor people, who's less fortunate than us and feel better? Well, let's find a mirror.
       Business was so bad I didn't get a Christmas bonus this year.

PEGGY  Oh, Al, no. You mean we told you we loved you for nothing?

KELLY  So you're telling us there's no reason to live?

AL     Yes, I am.

 Kelly goes over to Peggy and hugs her.

BUD    Dad, I'm not like the others. I don't care if we have no money. You're still my father,
       and I love you.

AL     Thanks, Son.

BUD    You're really getting me a present, right Dad? I mean, you're just cutting out the women?
       Good, 'cause you should hear how they talk about you.

AL     Nobody gets a present, Son.

BUD    Pretty low, Dad.

PEGGY  Al, Christmas without presents will be like our birthdays.

AL     Happy Birthday, hon. [Al kisses Peggy]

BUD    I know what we can do. Let's go down to the Lakeside Mall. Santa's going to drop gift
       certificates when he jumps from the plane.

KELLY  Yeah, let's trample the weak and get all we can.

AL     [dejectedly] Go to the mall that killed me.

 The door bell rings and Peg goes to open the door. Al puts the Schmidts gift under the coffee
 table. Steve and Marcy are carrying Christmas presents and they both start singing to Peggy,
  "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas 
  and a happy new year."

MARCY  Delivery from Santa for the Bundys!

 Marcy gives Peggy a Lakeside Mall shopping bag full of presents. Steve hands a gift-wrapped box
 to Peggy.

PEGGY  Oh gee, well thank you. Good thing they're labelled, I wouldn't wanna get them mixed up
       with the presents Al gave us.

MARCY  What did Peggy give you, Al?

 Al is polishing an apple that he got from the Rhoades' stolen gift.

AL     Irregularity... and [refers to Bud and Kelly] these two.

STEVE  Al, have you been to that new mall? There is a sea of people, and the traffic is
       unbelievable - it didn't ease until we got near your mall.

AL     Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me my present, Steve.

STEVE  Al, we thought long and hard about this, and then we came up with the perfect gift. Here,
       [Marcy hands an envelope to Al] we donated some money in your name to the National 
       Organisation for Women... Merry Christmas.

AL     Gee, that's great! Do I get tickets to their 10-K man stomp?

MARCY  All right, it's our turn. [excitedly] What did we get, what did we get? [Peggy gives Marcy
       the fruitcake] A fruit cake... [to Steve] with a footprint on it!

STEVE  Mmm!

MARCY  Thank you.

STEVE  [checks the time on his wristwatch] Hey, do you mind if we turn on the TV? It's time for
       the news. Maybe they'll show Santa parachuting into the Lakeside Mall.

AL     Oh, come on. It's the news. There's plenty of important stuff on there. I'm sure they're
       gonna spend their time to promote a mall!

 Steve switches on the Bundys' TV. A TV reporter can be heard.

TV     Well, Connie, I'm here at the jam packed Lakeside Mall, and if their low prices aren't
       enough, Santa, wearing a pair of high topped Reeboks - available at Weegee's in the mall -
       will be parachuting in any minute now.

AL     Yeah. And they wonder who's gonna fill Cronkite's shoes.

Kelly shushes him.

TV     [referring to an aeroplane] There's the Piper Cub, coming out of the clouds now, and Santa
       just made the jump... what a beautiful freefall! And don't forget; he's coming with a sack 
       filled with gift certificates for the Lakeside Mall. That's the Lakeside Mall! Where
       shopping isn't just fun, it's news.

AL     Come on!

Kelly shushes him again.

BUD    Wow, look at him fly!

MARCY  Why is he flapping his arms like that?

TV     Santa's chute doesn't seem to be opening. Oh, oh, he's been blown off course. Our cameras
       have lost him! Ladies and gentlemen, we don't know where he is!??

 A rustling noise that is heard from a tree in Al's backyard, causes everyone to look around -
 just in time to see Santa crash-land.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 A couple of policemen are taking pictures and examining the corpse. Steve is shaking so bad that
 he is spilling most of the alcohol that he is trying to pour into a glass. Marcy is quivering
 and rocking back and forth in shock.

MARCY  Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

 The Bundys are sitting at the dinner table, calmly eating their Christmas pizza.

AL     Hey Peg. You know what we ought to do tonight? We ought to make some Christmas cookies.

PEGGY  Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog with nutmeg.

STEVE  You ghouls! Don't you understand there's a splattered Santa all over your yard?

AL     What do you want me to do, Steve... Quit eating?

MARCY  Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

AL     Could you keep her quiet? We're trying to have a Christmas here!

 The Coroner enters from the backyard.

CORON  Well, that about wraps it up out there. Except for a few questions for the coroner's
       report, if you don't mind? Did you know the deceased?

PEGGY  Well, you know, I've read about him in books. But in books he's usually going up.

CORON  So that's a no. Did anyone actually see him fall?

BUD    I wish!

CORON  You know, son, I don't want you confused here. The real Santa would've never jumped out of
       a plane with a bottle of musketelle in each hand. No! The real Santa is alive and well,
       and he's living at the North Pole and he'll  visit your house real soon. I'm sure he'll
       find it.

BUD    Shouldn't be too hard. Just follow the buzzards.

 Buck is showing off his new chew toy to Steve and Marcy -- he has one of Santa's red shoes in
 his mouth.

STEVE  Uhh, is that your shoe, Al?

AL     Nope.

MARCY  Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

CORON  You know, Mr Bundy, that's evidence. Ah, what the hell! It's Christmas, let him keep it.

MARCY  Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.

KELLY  Well, you're in the right place.

PEGGY  Come on Marcy, these things happen.

MARCY  [screams] When has this happened?

PEGGY  Come on Marcy, cheer up! It could've been worse. He could've landed on the picket fence.
       Calm down and have some Christmas pizza.

 Peggy gives Marcy a plate with a slice of pizza on it. The coroner's assistants carry Santa in
 from the backyard on a stretcher. Santa is covered by a blanket and as they carry him, bells
 jingle.

MARCY  Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

CORON  [waves a goodbye] Merry Christmas, folks!

AL     Yeah, yeah, God bless us everyone.

 The coroner opens the door and finds a gang of kids on the porch.

KIDS   We want Santa!

CORON  [quickly closes the door] Oh, oh!

AL     What's wrong now? Did the Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?

CORON) No, there's kids out there. This might have a bad effect on them. I
       mean, this being Christmas and Santa here looking like tree sap and all.
       We can't take him out there now.
       Swing him back over that way, boys, come on!

 The bells start to jingle again.

MARCY  Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

STEVE  It's Okay, Marcy. Come on, I'll take you home.

MARCY  Yes, home, where Perry Como sings and Santa's still alive.

 As Steve opens the door for Marcy to leave, they are stopped by the children outside.

CARL   Is Santa Okay? We heard he landed in your yard.

KIDS   Yeah!

MARCY  Oh yes. He's fine. He's a fat jolly man and he'll never leave us. As long as there's a
       Christmas there'll be...

 Marcy starts to sob. She goes back inside and closes the door.

MARCY  [to The Bundys] Killers!

STEVE  I'm going to take Marcy upstairs and lay her down.

PEGGY  Put her on our bed.

MARCY  Steve, I'm afraid.

STEVE  I'll lay down newspaper.

CORON  Hey, this bag-o-Santa's getting pretty heavy over here!

PEGGY  Just put him over by the presents, there's plenty of room there.

CORON  You know, no matter how many bodies I handle, Christmas corpses always gets me down.

AL     Well, that's it. Now listen; we're trying to have a holiday here. So why don't you get out
       of here and take the spirit of Christmas with you?

CORON  Hey! I'd love to Mr. Grinch, but I'm not taking him out with those kids out there.

PEGGY  Al, get rid of those kids.

AL     If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours! [Al opens the door and announces to the
       kids] Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony. Santa's okay. Now he just had a little
       bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine,
       so go home.

KIDS   We wanna see him!

AL     No!

 Al gets hit by a snowball. He turns and goes back inside.

AL     I'm rolling him out, right now!

PEGGY  Al, they're children!

AL     Well, this'll grow 'em up!

CORON  Sorry Bundy, can't let you do that. For the sake of their mental health, that body is not
       going anywhere until those kids have left. [The coroner notices the Bundy's Christmas
       pizza] Heh, pizza. Always reminds me of my first day on the job.

PEGGY  Al, you know what you have to do.



ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

KIDS   We want Santa, come on Santa!

 Al is dressed as a Santa, and goes outside to speak to the children.

AL     Ho, ho, ho! Hi, everybody!

KIDS   Yeah, Santa!

AL     Thank you, thank you! I'm fine, I landed on my belly. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, each
       and every one. And remember, I know when you've been sleeping, I know when you're awake.
       And you, Joey, I know it was you who lit that bag of doodie and put it on the Bundy's
       porch. You're out of luck this Christmas. But the rest of you will get plenty. And
       remember, Santa's not at The Lakeside Mall, Santa hates the Lakeside Mall. So go on home
       now and torture your parents. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

CARL   But what did you bring us?

AL     Noth... [removes the fake beard from his mouth] Nothing yet. That's why I gotta get back
       to the North Pole with Dancer and Prancer and uh... Donald and Goofy.

CARL   But we haven't told you what we want.

AL     Santa knows!

CARL   Then, what do I want?

AL     I don't know. What do you want?

CARL   I wanna sit on your lap.

AL     All right, but make it fast. Santa has haemorrhoids. [Carl sits on Al's knee] What do you
       want?

CARL   I wanna know why you came to old man Bundy's house?

AL     Well, I came to bring him special presents, 'cause he sells women's shoes, and he's cursed
       with a foul wife and has ungrateful kids. But he still goes on.

CARL   But he's a butthead.

AL     No! No he's not. He's the nicest man on the block.

CARL   Wow, you must be Santa!

AL     I told you I was. What do you want?

CARL   I want a real live horse.

AL     Hmm... Your mom's the one who makes pies for everyone in the neighborhood but those nice
       Bundys, isn't she? [Carl nods] All right, Santa will leave you a horse tonight under your
       tree, but if it's not there in the morning it's because your mommy chased it away and
       killed it! [Al kicks Carl off of his knee] Next! [A girl jumps onto Al's lap] Don't jump
       on Santa's lap to hard, little girl, Mrs. Claus won't like that.

 Time lapses, and Al is still pacifying the kids. A child named Nestor is sitting on Al's knee.

AL     No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mother says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at
       midnight. Now, here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy; tell him to come home for lunch
       some day around when Mr. Mailman's there with his special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a
       real Yuletide treat for old dad.

NESTR  What do I get?

AL     A new home and a fresh new mommy! Well, old Santa's gonna hit the road, but I'm gonna go
       in and say goodbye to my favorite family, the Bundys. Be nice to 'em, or you won't get any
       Christmas gifts next year.

CARL   Santa smells like beer!

AL     Catch me in five minutes and I'll smell like hard liquor. Ho, ho, ho! On Dondy, on Dumbo!
       High ho, Silver, away!

KIDS   Yeah Santa!

 As Al turns to go back into his house, he is hit on the back by a snowball.

AL     Well, they're gone. All dead guys and non-relatives out!

BUD    So long, Kel!

KELLY  Yeah, like they really intended to have you.

PEGGY  Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on.

 Steve brings Marcy downstairs.

MARCY  I'm feeling a little better now. [sees Al dressed as Santa] Oh no, he was better off dead!

 Marcy runs back upstairs.

AL     Ho, ho, ho. [The doorbell rings, Al goes to open the door] Oh great, it's probably an elf
       with a knife in his back.

Al opens the door to a man from the Lakeside Mall.

MrMAL  Hi, is this the house where the Yuletide incident occurred?

AL     What's it to you?

MrMAL  Well, I'm from the Lakeside Mall, and I just wanted to offer our apologies for any
       inconvenience this may have caused.

AL     Hey, no problem, no inconvenience. You just took all my business, cost me my bonus, made
       my family hate me...

PEGGY  That's right.

AL     ...And on top of all of that you slam dunk Santa into my backyard and almost ruined
       Christmas for every kid in the neighborhood!

MrMAL  Almost??

PEGGY  Well, you see, my husband dressed up as Santa, so the kids would know he was okay. By the
       way, love your mall!

MrMAL  We've got it all. So no one around here knows what really happened, huh?

AL     Nope! Thanks to me. [thinks for a moment] Hey! That ought to be worth something, huh?

MrMAL  Not anymore. If the kids think Santa's okay, then Santa's okay. [he takes a check from his
       coat pocket] So why should I bribe you to say something you've already said? It'd be
       stupid. Kinda like paying that dead guy for disappointing a whole parking lot full of 
       kids. [tears up the check] I'm saving money right and left here. It's the best Christmas
       I've ever had.

CORON  Well, that about wraps it up here. Roll him out, boys! You know, Mr. Bundy, you're a
       decent guy, so here is a little tip from me to you. Don't die with your jewelry on. Hah!

 The Coroner tosses a ring in the air and catches it while laughing. The Coroner and his
 assistants leave.

PEGGY  Well Al, look at it this way; you did a nice thing, cost us a nice bribe and a shot at a
       happy Christmas. [turns to Kelly and Bud] Thank your father, kids.

BUD    Thanks, Dad!
KELLY  Thanks, Dad!

AL     Yeah, I know I let everybody down.

BUD    It's okay, Dad. It's not like this never happened before.

KELLY  Yeah! I mean, the Santa corpse was a new twist, but heck, it's something to tell a
       psychiatrist later on in life.

PEGGY  Yes, it's a Bundy Christmas... and unfortunately we're Bundys.

 Something falls to the ground in the backyard.

KELLY  What's that?

AL     I don't know, but if it's dead and has a red nose, we'll throw it in Steve and Marcy's
       yard.

 They all go to investigate. Al comes back in carrying a sack.

PEGGY  What is it, Al?

AL     I don't know. It looks like it fell off the roof. Hey look, it's 10 dollar certificates to
       the Lakeside Mall!

BUD    Hundreds of them!

KELLY  It must have been in the bag Santa had when he jumped.

PEGGY  We're rich, we're rich!

AL     ...And I found it!

PEGGY  Thank your father, kids.

BUD    Thanks, Dad!
KELLY  Thanks, Dad!

AL     Let's go bust the mall! But first a moment of silence, 'cause we owe a lot to that Jolly
       Flat Man.

 They bow their heads for a second of silence.

PEGGY  [screaming] Okay, let's go!

 They all leave, bound for The Lakeside Mall. Buck is happily playing with Santa's shoe in the
 snow covered backyard. "The Christmas Song" is heard.


THE END



Directed by  Linda Day
Written by  Katherine Green & Richard Gurman
Created by  Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye.
Associate Producer - Barbara Blachut Cramer
Story Editor - Ellen L. Fogle, Ralph Farquhar
Casting - Tammara Billik
Executive In Charge of Casting - Tim Flack
'Love and Marriage' music and lyrics by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen
Production Designer - Don Roberts
Art Director - Bernard Vyzga
Associate Director - Gerry Cohen
Stage Managers - Richard Draney and Stephanie Scott
Production Associate - Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator - Susan Jang
Unit Manager - Bob Piatak
Technical Manager - Horace Scott
Production Services Co-ordinator - Tony Neely
Technical Director - Jim Ralston
Lighting Director - Thomas W. Markle, Debbie Baird
Audio - Nick Kleissas
Videotape Editor - Larry Harris
Re-Recording - Tamara Johnson and Carroll Pratt
Costumes - Marti Masamitsu
Property Master - Michael Semon
Make-up - Sue Forrest-Chambers
Hair Stylist - Dottie McQuown
Production Supervised by Fran McConnell
Production Consultants  Deborah Curtan, Eduardo Cervantes
Videotaped at ABC Television Center in Hollywood
Copyright (c) 1987 Embassy Communications
All Rights Reserved.
In Charge of Production - Ken Stump
Columbia Pictures Television - A Sony Pictures Entertainment Company.