Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Mike the Dog

Guest Cast:

Brian......................Kris Kamm
Jimmy......................John Dennis Johnston



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Bud, Al and Peggy come into the living room wearing New Market Mallers baseball uniforms. Peggy
 is dragging a bag of equipment.

AL       Nice game, Peg.

PEGGY    Oh, you're talking to me again, huh? It was fun, Al. It's only a game.

AL       No, it's only a game if you win. But if you lose, it's a stinking waste of time.
         Especially if you lose to the "Kiss Me" cosmetics company.

PEGGY    Well, they sure smelled good, didn't they? And you know, Al, I may have struck out four
         times, but at least I found out I was using the wrong eyeliner.

AL       Peg, we lost to six women and three men with visible panty lines.

 Al sits on the couch. Peggy walks over to Bud.

PEGGY    Bud, you had fun, didn't you?

BUD      You stink, Mom.

 Bud sits down next to Al and hands him a beer.

BUD      We lost to women, Dad.

AL       You'll get used to it, Son. 

BUD      We haven't won a game all season.

PEGGY    Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower. Al, would you like me to prepare your
         shower? You know, spray deodorant on the underarms of a clean shirt?

AL       Peg, I don't have any clean shirts.

PEGGY    Well, you guys can be miserable if you want to, but I got out in the sunshine and I had
         a good time. I love being on this team.

AL       Ah, Peg, you're right. That's what it's all about. 

 Al waits for Peggy to go upstairs, then addresses Bud.

AL       We gotta get rid of your mother, Bud.

BUD      I know, Dad. But how? We've gotta have three women on the team. 

AL       Well, we gotta do something. We're 0 and 7! If we lose our next two games we're out of
         the league. And then you know where we'll be spending our Sundays...

BUD      [dejectedly] Grandma's.

AL       Yeah. Well, it may not come to that, Son. Next week we're playing the "Shaky Acres"
         retirement home, and their best player has bladder problems. We'll take him out on the
         first play at second. Ah, but your mother'd lose a grounder in the sun. It's just too
         risky, Bud. We need another woman.

BUD      Well, this may be stretching the word 'woman', but Kelly's pretty good. She's got a
         great arm. I once saw her hit a police car with a rock at 200 yards.

AL       [proudly] I taught her how to throw. Let's sign her.

BUD      I don't know. Mom loves those games. How're we gonna get her not to play?

AL       Well, that's where you come in, Bud. I leave it up to you. Nothing permanent, I just
         want her out for two weeks.

BUD      You can depend on me. Hey, I -

 Al silences Bud in midsentence.

AL       I don't wanna know about it. Just do what you have to do.

BUD      Right, Dad.

 Bud goes upstairs.

AL       Ah, three women rule. If God had wanted women to play ball he'd have made them men.

 Al gets up and walks over to the kitchen. Kelly comes in.

KELLY    I just met the most wonderful guy. He's nice, he's courteous, he's never thrown a 
         teacher through a window... But still, there's something I like about him.

AL       That's good, uh... [suddenly] Think fast!

 Al throws an orange to Kelly and she catches it. Al laughs smugly and walks over to her.

AL       You know, Kelly, it's been a long time since we've had a father-daughter talk.

KELLY    We've never had a father-daughter talk. 

AL       Well, that's because up until now I've never had anything to say to you. But, uh -

 Al leads Kelly to the couch.

AL       Sit down.

 Al and Kelly sit down on the couch.

AL       Ah, you grew up so fast. Just seem like yesterday we were out in the backyard playing
         'catch'.

KELLY    You mean before Bud was born and you figured I was your last chance?

AL       Bud means nothing to me. You were always my favorite, you know that.

KELLY    [emotionally] Oh, Daddy.

 Kelly rests her head on Al's shoulder, but he quickly pushes her away.

AL       Yeah, come on, come on. Eh, Honey, I was just thinking, you know your old Dad might not
         be around forever...

KELLY    That's what Mom says.

AL       Your Mom is the reason that I might not be around forever. But now, Honey, I was
         thinking, you know, maybe you might like to play a little ball on our team this Sunday.

KELLY    I thought Mom was playing.

PEGGY    [o.s.] Ow! Al, I almost broke my toe on your weights. I told you not to leave them
         laying around.

AL       Mom might be a little busy.

KELLY    You know, Dad, I'd love to, but I can't. This new guy and I are gonna go watch them
         unload the '88 Harleys down at the bike shop on Sunday. Think I'm in love!

AL       Kelly, hey, let me tell you something. Guys will come and guys will go, but your Dad 
         will always be your Dad. Until he can't take it anymore and hops on a freight train.
         [laughs] Come on, Honey. It'll be like old times in the back yard.

KELLY    I can't, Daddy. I've got a date.

AL       You're playing third, Kelly.

 Al gets up.

KELLY    Oh, Daddy.

 Kelly also gets up. Peggy comes down the stairs.

KELLY    Mom! Guess what? I'm in love. And wait till you meet him, he's perfect. He does the
         cutest things. We went down to this great new restaurant in new town. We ate everything
         on the menu, I mean, the most expensive stuff. Do you know what he did? He put a roach
         in the food and we didn't have to pay for anything. 

 Peggy laughs.

PEGGY    You're kidding! You know, that's amazing. I used to date a guy who did that. Yeah, now
         your father just takes me to restaurants where they have their own bugs. 

 Bud sneaks downstairs behind Peggy's back, goes to the counter and picks up a banana. He peels
 it and shows it to Al, who holds up his hand as if to say "I don't wanna know about it". Bud
 sneaks back upstairs with the banana.
 Kelly and Peggy sit on the couch.

PEGGY    So, what's his name?

KELLY    Brian. Oh Mom, I love everything about him. His hair, his lips, his breath... 

PEGGY    His breath? Really? [glances at Al] Well, there goes the old myth of a girl wanting a
         guy just like her father. 

AL       Peg, I wonder why you never went after a guy like your father. Or weren't there any
         chronically unemployed social parasites the month you were in your prime?

KELLY    Mom, how did you know you were in love with Dad?

PEGGY    Well, he was kind of an athlete in school, and no one really thought much about the
         future back then.

 We hear Bud calling from upstairs.

BUD      [o.s.] Mom, can you come up here right away?

PEGGY    Al, I'm talking to Kelly. Could you go see what Bud wants?

 Al heads upstairs, muttering to himself on the way.

AL       Ah, clean up after the dog, talk to your son... it never ends.

PEGGY    You know, Honey, you ought to bring Brian down to watch us play softball. I was so good
         today. [chuckles] Well, I thought I was good. Daddy was a little upset, but you know, he
         takes these games much too seriously.

 Kelly nods. Upstairs, we hear Al scream, followed by a thud. 

BUD      [o.s.] Dad, you ruined everything!


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The living room.
 Kelly and Brian are on the couch. Brian's head is in Kelly's lap and she is feeding him grapes.

BRIAN    You don't love me.

KELLY    Yes I do. Do you think that I would do this for everyone?

BRIAN    I've seen you do this for everyone.

 Kelly shrugs. Then she takes a potato chip, puts it in her mouth and feeds it to Brian. We hear
 Al from outside.

AL       [o.s.] You stink!

KELLY    [alarmed] My parents are home. 

 Brian sits up.

BRIAN    I thought they'd be playing softball all day.

KELLY    I thought I'd leave home by the time I was fifteen. You know, sometimes things don't
         work out the way you think. But look, don't worry about meeting my parents. Except for
         my father. I mean, he's okay and all, but if he finds you sitting in his spot he'll
         punch you in the face.

BRIAN    Where is his spot?

KELLY    I forget.

 Kelly takes some bowls and boxes of food to the kitchen. 

KELLY    Anyhow, only talk to him about sports and bodily functions. That's what he knows, that's
         what he likes. 

 Kelly sits next to Brian. He puts his hand on her shoulder.

KELLY    Oh, one more thing. If you touch me while he's here, he'll break your back.

 Brian holds his hands up in the air.

KELLY    Ready?

 Peggy, Bud and Al come in wearing their New Market Mallers baseball uniforms. Al is leaning on
 Bud to help him walk.

PEGGY    It was very brave of you to play with that foot, Al. 

AL       Yeah, freak accident slipping on a banana peel.

KELLY    How'd you do, Dad?

AL       I went four-for-four, Bud went four-for-four, and your Mom... Well, we lost 17-8.

PEGGY    At least I hit the ball, Al.

AL       Oh, great. You finally make a bunt, and an 80-year-old man beats you to first base.
         'Course, he wasn't wearing high heels. Bud, you wanna get me some juice, huh?

 Al approaches the couch. Brian quickly gets up.

BRIAN    [pointing to where he just sat] Is this your spot?

AL       This is my house. Every spot is my spot.

KELLY    Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet Brian.

 Brian holds out his hand. Al ignores him and turns back to Peggy.

AL       Next week we play the Christian T-shirt Shop. Now they've never won a game because they
         refuse to steal... But they've never played us. 

 Bud is standing next to the open refrigerator, which is empty save for three bottles of beer.

BUD      Dad, the refrigerator's been sucked dry.

 Al turns back to Brian.

AL       [pointing at Brian] Who's this?

KELLY    It's Brian.

PEGGY    Nice to meet you, Brian.

AL       Yeah, nice to meet you, Brian.

BRIAN    [nervously] Hi.

AL       Your breath smells of juice.

 Al pushes past Brian and walks over to the kitchen. Kelly, Brian and Peggy sit on the couch.

PEGGY    [to Brian] Oh, don't pay any attention to Al. No one ever does. You know, you look kinda
         familiar. Do I know you from anywhere?

BRIAN    I don't think so. But I do work at the grocery store.

AL       Then there's no way she ever saw you there. Drink all my juice, huh?

BUD      Wait a second, Dad. Juice gives him the essential vitamins he needs to fight [indicating
         Kelly] infections.

 Kelly gets up and puts her arm around Bud's shoulder.

KELLY    [sweetly] Brian, I'd like you to meet my brother, Bug.

BUD      That's 'Bud'. I was named after a beer, wasn't I, Dad?

 Al puts his arm around Kelly's shoulder.

AL       So Brian, outside of drinking all our juice, what are your intentions with, uh, Kelly
         here?

 Peggy gets up.

PEGGY    Come on, everybody. Let's give them a little privacy.

 Bud sits down next to Brian and kneels close to him. Al sits in the armchair and looks at Brian
 warily.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 The veranda.
 Kelly and Brian come out of the house. Brian puts on his jacket.

KELLY    You know, I think my Dad really liked you. 

BRIAN    Gee, I really liked him. By the way, thanks for saying "have some more juice, we have
         plenty".

KELLY    You're more important than my father.

BRIAN    Am I?

KELLY    Sure.

 They sit down, holding hands.

KELLY    You know how I feel about you.

BRIAN    You know, it takes more than words. There is a way you could prove it to me, but, uh,
         you'd never do it.

KELLY    Yes I would. What? You've known me for two days. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do.

BRIAN    I know. But I'm talking about a tattoo. One with my name on it. I'm getting one with
         your name on it...

KELLY    You are?

BRIAN    Yeah. You see, that's the way I feel about you, Kelly. 

KELLY    Well, where do you want me to put it?

BRIAN    Anywhere. As long as it shows.

KELLY    So, like, anywhere.

BRIAN    Yeah.

KELLY    I don't know. My parents would kill me.

 Brian gives Kelly a long kiss.

KELLY    [smiling giddily] I'll do it.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Kelly is pacing back and forth in the living room. We can hear Al and Peggy from the patio.

AL       [o.s.] Come on, Peg. You're not leaving till you catch a fly ball.

PEGGY    [o.s.] It's dark!

AL       [o.s.] Catch!

PEGGY    [o.s.] Ow!

AL       [o.s.] You stink.

 Peggy comes in from the patio holding a baseball glove, with Al on her heels.

PEGGY    That's it, Al. I am not practicing any more. I'm good enough, and it's just a game.

AL       It's not just a game. We'd better not lose to the Christians, Peg, I'm warning you!

 Peggy disappears up the stairs.

AL       I hate that three women rule. I hate women.

KELLY    Dad, can I talk to you?

AL       [impatiently] Oh, why?

KELLY    It's important, Daddy.

AL       Okay. But listen, this is not about sex, is it? 'Cause I don't know anything about that. 

KELLY    I know. Mom told me. No, it's - it's not about sex, Dad.

AL       Good, good.

 Al and Kelly sit on the couch.

KELLY    Okay. Now I'm gonna be totally straight with you. There's this girl. Let's call her
         Betty. She has this guy who wants her to look a certain way for him, but see, this girl
         isn't sure that she wants to look this certain way.

AL       Kelly, let me tell you something. Society somehow, someway separated the sexes. Now they
         made girls weak. Now I'm not saying it's bad to be a girl - I'd rather be dead myself -
         but it's always the girl's place to do something for the guy. Never the guy's place to
         do anything for the girl. Until you marry 'em, then the law steps in and makes you. But
         back to this friend of yours... Betty. See, she has to understand that you don't always
         have to do what the guy says. Especially if Betty is my little girl.

 Kelly smiles and rests her head on Al's shoulder. He quickly pushes her away.

AL       Yeah. Come on, come on. 

 Al gets up, walks over to the stairway and calls out to Peggy.

AL       Okay, Peg. Get out in the hall. We're gonna do some grounders.

PEGGY    [o.s] I don't want to, Al.

AL       Well, I didn't want to talk to Kelly either, but I did.

 Al disappears upstairs.
 Kelly rolls her eyes. She thinks for a moment, then walks over to the counter, takes a note out
 of her pocket and dials the number that's written on it.

KELLY    [on the phone] Yeah. Is this "Melvin's Tattoo"? [listens, glancing towards the stairs]
         Yes. Can I make an appointment for next Sunday?


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The living room.
 Al and Peggy come in wearing their New Market Mallers uniforms. Al looks glum.

PEGGY    I know, I know. I stink. But it was close!

AL       We lost to nuns.

PEGGY    I have never been so humiliated. In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice:
         "bless this, honey".

AL       Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognized the one she gave to
         me!

 The doorbell rings.

PEGGY    Gee, I wonder who that could be.

AL       If there's any justice it's the baseball police.

 Peggy opens the door. A middle-aged man named Jimmy is standing outside.

PEGGY    Yes?

JIMMY    Hi, Peggy. 

 Peggy looks at him blankly.

JIMMY    You don't remember me, do you?

PEGGY    No.

JIMMY    All right, I'll give you a little hint. That night behind the aquarium in high school...?

PEGGY    Oh, Craig!

JIMMY    No...

PEGGY    Ted.

JIMMY    No.

PEGGY    Rodrigo!

JIMMY    No.

PEGGY    Well you're just gonna have to be a little more specific.

JIMMY    Jimmy?

PEGGY    Ohhh, that aquarium! Well, come on in.

 Jimmy comes into the living room.

PEGGY    Al, uh, this is Jimmy. From the aquarium.

 Peggy walks over to Al.

PEGGY    [to Jimmy] This is my husband, Al.

 Jimmy shakes Al's hand.

JIMMY    You're a lucky man, Al.

AL       Yeah, right.

PEGGY    So sit down, Jimmy.

 Al, Peggy and Jimmy sit on the couch.

PEGGY    [to Jimmy] You want a beer?

JIMMY    Sure.

 Peggy takes the beer bottle Al is about to drink from from his hand and gives it to Jimmy. Al
 looks irritated and goes to get himself another beer.

KELLY    So, uh, what brings you around here after all this time?

JIMMY    Well, I always wondered what became of you, so I looked you up.

 Jimmy gets up and looks around.

JIMMY    Whoever thought that you'd be living in a nice big place like this. I've never even been
         in a house like this.

AL       How'd you let this one get away, Peg?

JIMMY    Actually, Al, she dumped me.

AL       Yeah? What'd you do?

 Al sits down next to Peggy and Jimmy sits in the armchair.

JIMMY    Well, nothing, really. It was just before the sophomore dance. I'd rented a tux, a car,
         bought flowers... I got to her house just in time to see her cute little bottom pull off
         on the back of a Harley.

AL       Let me get this straight. You think this house is big, but her bottom -

PEGGY    Al! Jimmy is speaking. [to Jimmy] And I didn't dump you. I just went out the back door
         with a cuter guy. You know how kids are.

JIMMY    Yeah, yeah. I - I can laugh about it now. [forces a weird laugh; to Al:] She didn't
         realize it then, but she was the love of my life. 

 Al laughs.

PEGGY    See how lucky you are, Al?

AL       See how lucky you are?

 Jimmy gets up.

JIMMY    You know, that night I was coming to take you to the dance, I had something special to
         show you.

 Jimmy takes off his jacket and rolls up his sleeve, to reveal a heart-shaped tattoo with Peggy's 
 name on it. 

JIMMY    Look at this.

 Peggy gets up and walks ove to Jimmy.

PEGGY    Oh, Jimmy! I'm so flattered! [to Al] Well, look at that, Al. He has my name tattooed on
         his arm. You never did that.

AL       Well, maybe that's because I'm not insane like old Jimbo over there... [gets up; to
         Jimmy:] Well, buddy, thanks for stopping by. Uh, listen, next time you want to mutilate
         some part of your body, just swing on by and show it to us.

JIMMY    I'm going. I - I just wondered if you knew what it was like to go through your whole
         life with a tattoo of 'Peggy' on your arm. I - I had to marry a girl named Peggy. A fat
         horse of a Peggy. You know, the kind of woman that looks like she inhaled another woman.
         But I guess we should all be grateful for what we have. I mean, you got a Peggy that's
         beautiful and fun... I got one that sleeps standing up. I can laugh about that now,
         though.

 Jimmy forces another laugh.

JIMMY    [to Peggy] Ah, but we had fun in high school, didn't we? Hey, like the time I took you
         to that fancy restaurant and I put the roach in the food, we got our meal for free...

PEGGY    That's funny. My daughter is dating a guy who did that.

JIMMY    I know. It's my son. I can laugh about that now, too.

 Jimmy leaves.

AL       Where is Kelly?

PEGGY    I don't know, but I think she might be out with Brian.

AL       Well, that's great. My daughter is out with the spawn of Norman Bates and Sea Biscuit.
         I should've killed him when he drank my juice.

PEGGY    Maybe we better go find her.

 Bud comes in.

BUD      Dad! I got a good one. This one is so good I won't even charge you. Guess where I saw
         Kelly? Eliminate the obvious, like the back seat, the bushes, jail... Now guess. [waits
         a little] Okay, time's up. She's getting a tattoo.

 Peggy glances at Al worriedly.

BUD      Yep, I saw her and Brian go into the tattoo parlour. They were testing her arm. Should
         I bring down your belt?

PEGGY    Al, you gotta do something.

 Al gets his baseball bat.

BUD      Ooh, much better than a belt, Dad!

AL       I'm gonna go stop Kelly, then I'm gonna find Jimbo and hit one out of the park. [to Bud]
         Now where's this tattoo parlour?

BUD      Okay, it's the one next to the night club that says "Girls, Girls, Girls". You go down -

AL       I know where it is.

 Al leaves. Bud runs towards the stairs.

PEGGY    Bud, where are you going?

BUD      I'm moving my stuff into my dead sister's room.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Peggy is sitting on the couch, twitching her leg and glancing impatiently at her watch. She 
 sighs, gets up and walks to the door. Kelly opens the door and comes in.

PEGGY    Freeze.

 Kelly halts.

PEGGY    Show me your arm.

KELLY    Who spotted me?

 We hear Bud singing to himself upstairs. He throws some of Kelly's clothes over the stairway
 railing. 

KELLY    Hey, that's my stuff!

PEGGY    Never mind that, Kelly. Show me your arm.

KELLY    Oh, Mom, I didn't get the tattoo. I mean, I was going to, but on the way over Brian told
         me the whole story and a funny thing happened: we really did fall in love and we both
         decided to get tattooed. 

PEGGY    But then you realized how upset your father and I would be.

KELLY    No. You see, when Brian was getting his tattoo, I saw the cutest guy, and we fell in
         love. So I went outside, and we rode off into the sunset in his Domino's Pizza truck. I
         mean, this is it, Mom. This is the real thing.

PEGGY    You're really turning into a fine young woman.

 Peggy and Kelly sit on the couch and twitch their legs.

KELLY    You know, Mom, I feel closer to you than ever. Now that both of these geeks have
         tattoos. [laughs]

PEGGY    Yeah. You know, I feel kind of sorry for Brian, though. He's gonna have to go through
         his whole life with 'Kelly' tattooed on his arm.

KELLY    That's no problem, I'll just introduce him to this other girl at school named Kelly. 
         She's kind of fat, though...

PEGGY    Well, as long as we're happy. [laughs]

 Kelly smiles and rests her head on Peggy's shoulder.

PEGGY    Kelly, my hair.

 Kelly lifts her head from Peggy's shoulder. Bud, still singing to himself, starts to drag a
 chest down the stairs.

KELLY    [to Peggy] Excuse me...

 Kelly runs upstairs. Al comes in.

AL       I went to the tattoo parlour. Good news: she didn't get the tattoo. 

PEGGY    I know. She's upstairs. Did you find Jim?

AL       Yep. I followed Brian to his house, broke the door down, and I was gonna break Jimmy's
         head when... she came out of the kitchen. Peg, her face was in a jello mold, and she was
         wearing a muumuu, but it had to be slit so she could fit into it. And she - Peg, she had
         no knees! So I let him live. I figured that's the worst thing I could do to him.

PEGGY    That's my Al.

AL       She was horrible, Peg. Horrible! [smiles] You look good, Peg.

 Al puts his arm around Peggy's shoulder.

PEGGY     Thanks, Al.

AL        God, she was fat...